Withdrawal diary

[anxiousjomo]

Day 17

Another rough morning. Woke around 6am, very anxious - mainly about work (I have a big two week trial starting on Monday, so things are very stressful at the moment) - painful, upset stomach, sweats, shaking, thoughts going a mile a minute.

It is just so draining waking up every day and having to fight through these horrible sensations. It would be nice to wake up one day feeling relatively normal and rested. I have forgotten what that feels like...

Had a DR appointment today - she is getting my cortisol levels tested, as she thinks it is interesting I have this massive anxiety/need to go to the loo etc always at the same time every morning, and then get much better during the day. She also agreed I should just fight my way through the next two weeks and then assess how I am feeling once the stress has calmed down. She also agrees I should try CBT and meditation and continuing with exercise etc for a while before thinking about whether or not to go back on medication.

Feeling a little dizzy and things today, but I may have overdone it a bit at the gym which could be the reason.

[Dobster]

Hi anxiousjomo
I'm in a very similar place as you are right now. I'm 45 and been on/ off Citalopram for years due to general anxiety issues. I started reducing citalopram 3 months ago from 20mg and now on 5 mg every 3rd day!! Doesn't seem like much though. I'm planning on doing this for a fortnight then I'll hopefully just stop and wait a few months before deciding my next step. I'm doing this with the supervision of my GP and keep in monthly contact with him.
I had been taking Citalopram for 18 months or so and felt it wasn't really doing much except increase my anxiety so I thought I'd try without and adopt a more active,healthy and organised lifestyle. I've found a good Psychologist and we recently started a new style of therapy called CRM (comprehensive Resource Model) so I'm hoping this will help. I'll maybe start a new thread as I progress through the process.
Since reducing the SSRI's, every section of the day is different and I feel I'm not sure how my mood will be so it makes it difficult to make decisions. One minute I'll be really confident, alert, chatty, assertive, observant, happy and normal!!! The next I'll be anxious, nervous, sad, weepy, flushed, tingling, sweaty, unable to make decisions or show any interest in anything!! I feel particularly bad first thing in the morning but late afternoon and evenings are better. I fall asleep easily but don't get past 5am. I'm sure this is all caused by the reduction process and I just have to go with it. People say I'm maybe reducing too fast or too slow but I think you have to just do it and hope for the best. I'm just fed up with the uncertainty of it all. I work as an engineer away from home for periods of time so that maybe doesn't help. I think it's all trial and error.
I rekon you should go with the 2 week plan or even longer before going on another SSRI!! Try fish oils, turmeric teas, try walking without headphones in and take in what's around you. Try anything natural before you give in. I hope this helps. Your definitely not alone.
NEVER MAKE PERMANENT DECISIONS BASED ON TEMPORARY FEELINGS?

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks Dobster. The uncertainty is, as you say, one of the real difficulties - it is impossible to know if you are taking it too slow, or too fast, until you get through. It sounds to me like you are going at a good pace though. It is particularly the last phase which i think it the hardest, so if you have been spending some time slowly getting towards 0 then hopefully you will be ok. And regular exercise, walking (I now get off the tube a stop early every morning before work so I can walk that last bit too), cutting out coffee etc all seems to have helped.

Days 18 and 19.

Well I took a nytol on the night of the 18th as was a bit wired. The next day I felt awful. Depressed and groggy. Lots of anxiety in the morning, shaking and trembling etc. This, or similar, seems to happen whenever I take nytol, so I guess I should give it the big swerve from now on. The day was not too bad, just some low level anxiety and tiredness.

Day 19 began ok - though I had a very restless night, and my son woke up early, so I am pretty exhausted. Anxiety levels are not that bad, just a little antsy.

[anxiousjomo]

Day 20,

Woke not feeling too bad, despite the fact I have a brutal two weeks of work coming up. Managed to take some time yesterday to rest and meditate and think a bit about everything that is good in my life, and why I should stop being such a silly sausage about it all.

Annoyingly getting anxious about the fact that I wont be able to go to the gym for these two weeks, which I am concerned will lead to my anxiety levels going up again. And, of course, like the stupidly self-fulfilling prophecy it is, I can feel myself getting jittery.

I feel like I am no longer really dealing with "withdrawal", so will probably stop this diary tomorrow (as it will then be three weeks on no drugs). Now I am just starting to get to the base line of my anxiety issues themselves, which I need to get better at managing. At the moment the sensations are unpleasant, but not unbearable, and I can function well enough. I just wish I could feel calm for once.

[epitaxial]

Thank you for posting this diary. It looks like you managed to keep the brain zaps down to a minimum [which I think is attributed to the supplements] - that's my biggest fear if I ever decide to stop taking the med [10mg mainly for anxiety].

[anxiousjomo]

Day 21

Last day of the diary, as it has been three weeks now. My IBS seems to have been made permanently worse by going on the drugs - it was not too bad before I went on cit, which made it go crazy, and it does not seem to have calmed down. I react much more to certain foods, and have bad diarrhea every single morning. My stomach is not too bad after that during the day, but then it starts to act up again in the evening. I guess I will need to start doing something about it.

My anxiety is manageable. Unpleasant, but not incapacitating. I find deep breathing, meditation, exercise etc all helps enough so that hopefully I can keep off the drugs.

My advice for anyone coming off cit would be go slow (do not alternate days or anything like that - just go down in 2.5 or 5mg steps (the higher your dose and the longer you have been on, the slower you should get off). Omega 3.6.9 supplements probably helped. Isitol and Choline may have helped too. Calcium and Magnesium before bed seemed to help a bit with sleep.

Nytol made me feel depressed and groggy and awful the next day. Tea with valerian in also made me super depressed the next day, so keep an eye on that if you are taking supplements with it in.

The hardest part seems to be getting back to not obsessing ever second over how I am feeling. This whole process has got me way too self-involved in my body and its feelings and over-monitoring my anxiety levels. I need to get better at just chilling out and not caring so much about all that.

A long road ahead, but at least I seem to have been able to get cit-free.
Good luck to anyone reading this.

[cathy s]

Thank you for sharing your journey. Good luck to you.

[anxiousjomo]

Thanks.

And just a note to show how bumpy the road can be - I was doing well until last night when I woke at 2am full of anxious energy and could not get back to sleep. I think it may be because I have been in a trial all week and have not been able to go to the gym for 7 days now. That is my best guess anyway...But my chest is tight, I am trembling and I feel like I need to run run run...

Hopefully either I can get some exercise this weekend, or this sensation will pass...

[anxiousjomo]

One last note - I managed to get to the gym and pretty much immediately felt better. It seems that if I go for 3-4 days without any exercise the stress and anxiety builds up in my system to the point it becomes unbearable. Then running and doing some weights seems to help burn it off so it is back to a normal level. I am someone who hated (and still hates) gyms and exercise etc, but it really does seem to make a massive difference. That and headspace or similar first thing in the morning for 10-15min to give myself a little breathing space..

[anxiousjomo]

Just another update - I guess it has been nearly 5 weeks since I stopped. I am having a rough day today - woke at about 5.30am with bad anxiety and have been groggy and foggy and jittery and depressed all day. Nothing seems to have triggered it as far as I can see, as work and money and everything else are actually not bad at the moment. I feel very dizzy and cant sit still. Hopefully this is a "blip" and just part of the process. Will see how I feel tomorrow...