All I do is mess things up

[matt1981]

I told a friend of mine last night hat I was not attracted to her. She really likes me and shes really upset. I feel I have messed everything up because of my anxiety. I have worried to the point of being ill these last couple of months trying to keep her happy and trying to explain to her that I care about her but just want her as a friend. I feel my anxiety is ruining my life. I had a long talk with my mum last night and she said my stress and anxiety is bringing her and the rest of the family down whenever I come over. This makes me feel terrible. I feel all I ever do is upset people stress people out and bring them down

I feel I need to speak to my friend whos called Emma and try to sort it out because I cant stand the thought of her being angry with me or upset because what I said to her. I tried really hard to be nice and got myself into such a state at times but in the end I still upset her :(

[Magpie]

Poor Matt, this situation really sucks and I'm sure you could have done without the revelation from your Mum right now as well!

I've had to try and let people down gently in the past myself, it's not easy but all you can do is be clear about how much you value them but what the boundaries are. I've found that writing a letter after 'the chat' is often the best way, it gets so tense and flustering when you're trying to say it all out loud but you can really get it all down in a letter (and I think the other person takes the words more seriously that way - because you're not in a confrontation, what you're saying rings true more).

Sadly, there's always a chance you might lose her friendship because she can't handle staying 'just friends' - I've been on both sides of that equation - but she'll understand it's not your fault. You can't force yourself to fancy someone and nor should you have to pretend to feel what you don't, that would be even more hurtful (been there too!).

As for your Mum, I'm sure she didn't mean to disturb you with her comment. I think some folk think that if they can give us a good enough reason to do so, we'll just 'snap out of it'. They sometimes don't realise that we're well aware of the effect our condition has on others, and we wouldn't put them through it if we could help it.

Please, don't retreat from your family and friends because of this trying time you're having - there are always bad patches and good patches for people like us, and keeping in touch through the bad patches is hard but essential.

Hope everything resolves itself for the better, in time I'm sure it will.

[Lindalou64]

Im Sorry To Hear Ya Feeling Crap Matt,ya Need To Tell This Girl Up Front On What You Have,and For Ya Mom Well That Wasnt Really Called For Hun You Cant Help How You Feel But You Will Get Better One Day Have To Remember That Matt Keep Ya Head Up..........linda Xx

[matt1981]

We and three of our friends went to bournemouth for the weekend three weeks back and during this time I was really anxious. I wrote a letter to her afterwards explaining my condition (I also have mild aspergers) and apologised for the way i acted at times around her. She was pleased I wrote the letter and it seemed to bring somekind of understanding but although I explained how I felt the message didnt seem to sink in. She texted me last night saying she wanted to know where she stood so I told her. I was blunt with her which made me feel terrible because I know I upset her. But I have been told by a friend at college, the college counsellor and my psychologist that I have no reason to feel guilty.. thats what I am holding on to at the moment and as for mother I am just not thinking about it!

[sarah1984]

Hi Matt,
Please don't beat yourself up about this girl. It sounds as if you're a really caring guy who goes out of his way to put the feelings of others first. Sometimes the only way is to be completely honest with people-it's far better than pretending or leading them up the garden path with a false impression. The fact is the news that you don't feel the same as the girl would have hurt her regardless of how you put it. It's a real shame that the two of you can't be "just friends" but at the end of the day it's down to her. Time's a great healer and I think the best thing is to leave things for a while to allow her to get over it.

I can understand why you're hurt about your mum's comment. My mum said some very similar things to me last year and I think they just come from frustration. Not with you personally but because they feel helpless in the face of their loved one's problems! I'm sure she loves you and cares for you deeply. It is tough for the families of anxiety sufferers but please try not to feel guilty about your condition. I think Magpie made a very valid comment about hoping that a sharp comment will make ppl snap out of their problems.

Take Care.

[matt1981]

Thanks for all your helpful comments they really have helped! Im feeling better but feeling weird Im thinking do I even want the friendship now? But I think its because I was struggling to be around her before because of the way she felt because I didnt feel the same. I felt I couldnt get away from her and she was suffocating me.

This would be bad enough without anxiety! ARRGGHH

[sarah1984]

Give it time Matt-you don't have to make any snap decisions. If she accepts you don't feel the same way and can put that behind her, then you can see whether the two of you are able to move on to a new and far less complex friendship.

[lucy0927]

Matt, I have a lot of the same issues as you by the sound of it. It's hard isn't it when you tell someone something and you explain the situation to them and they still don't get it. You feel awful because you don't want to hurt them but you can't make yourself feel something that isn't there. In the long run you're better being up front about things now and letting her get on with her life and find someone else.

With me i always run away from these kind of situations, I've always taken the cowards way out until recently where I send an email saying sorry I'm not interested and then I tend to hide away until it all blows over and it ends up with me losing a friend.

Whatever happens you should not feel guilty about how you feel, you've done the right thing in telling her you don't like her as anything more than a friend. Whether she can just be friends is down to her, don't push her, just give her time to realise the situation and see what she wants to do.

If you want to chat to someone please PM me.

[matt1981]

Thanks for your help.. she texted me and she wants to be my friend. She said this after I texted her and said we need a bit of space from each other for a few weeks. After that she said that I am one of her best friends and she doesnt want me to go away.

Two days ago I wouldve been so happy with this but now I am thinking do I even want her friendship?? This is a mess!

These feelings did come about because she was very much in my face and I wanted her to back off so maybe I am reading too much into my thoughts.. Im guessing a lot of us on here do this!