I feel like my depression is never going to go. I have been off work for 6 months now and still not ready to go back. Every day, all day, I feel like all I want to do is cry. I hate it. It is like I have a dark cloud over my head that is pushing me down. Some days I feel like everything is too much and I just don't want to do anything. I force myself to get out of bed and do something each day but it feels like it is sucking all my energy away. Like when you are walking into a strong wind an even though it is possible to walk, it feel so much harder if that makes any sense.

I also keep having suicidal thoughts, more or less every day but sometimes it is worse than others. Everyone knows about this and they don't seem too concerned because they keep telling me that they are intrusive thoughts and the fact that I am so scared of them means that I don't want to do anything. I don't wan't to die, I want to get better and be happy but sometimes I just feel like that's never going to happen and I will have to live feeling this way for ever. Before anyone says anything, I have crisis numbers to call if I feel really bad so I am safe. I just don't like feeling this way.

I have been on Sertraline since 9th September and am currently on 150mg. I know the doctor will probably increase it again the next time I see them to 200mg. I just feel like it's not going to help though. Citalopram stopped working for me and now Sertraline isn't so I feel really hopeless if I have to try something else. I just don't want to go through the withdrawal and then the start up effects of a new med if it's not really going to make me feel any better.

I have also had 12 sessions of cbt which hasn't helped either. I feel like none of the techniques that I have been trying are helping. I have also had another week of another type of therapy, where you plan a diary of what you are going to do in the week (I've forgotten what its called, sorry). I have 2 more sessions of that, one tomorrow and one next week and then I am not allowed any more therapy.

My sick note runs out this week on Wednesday and the doctor only gave me one for 3 weeks instead of 4 like he usually does and I don't know why. My SSP runs out on 30th November so I am wondering if it is something to do with that. It has been playing on my mind though because I don't have an appointment until Friday and I am not seeing my usual doctor because I couldn't get an appointment with him. He wasn't in on my last appointment so I saw a different doctor who said that I can renew my sick note on the phone. I just hope that he didn't give me a 3 week sick note because he was expecting me to go back to work because I really don't feel ready for that. I have had 2 ok days in the past couple of months, every other day has been a bad day, some worse than others.

So basically I feel really lost right now. Meds aren't helping, therapy isn't helping, I will have no money coming in, I will probably loose my job for being off so long and if I don't get better then I might not be able to get another one. I feel like I have let everyone down because i'm trying so hard to beat this but I am still where I first started back at square one. I feel useless and keep thinking that maybe it is just me and I can never be happy again. I just want to feel better.

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to get this off my chest.