Long question about partners panic attacks and cannabis

[Rinkidink]

Hello all.

I’d like to use this nice forum and you understanding people to be, effectively, sponges for my rant. It’s very hard to find understanding people to talk to.

First of all, some background. I’m the boyfriend mention here: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=20532

I have been smoking cannabis for about seven years now. Sometimes infrequently, sometimes regularly. It's been a fun social thing with old friends and a pleasant mild intoxication.

One day in early March my girlfriend and I decided to eat some hashish milk. As she doesn't like smoking it we thought it would be a pleasant experience for us both... Unfortunately the dosage was too high and she had a severe panic attack, convinced her heart was going to stop and other terrible things. She calmed down eventually but since that night she has been prone to panic attacks, having one every few days and when she's not having an attack she is feeling generally low and ill, often spending most of her day in bed curled up.

She was never really happy about me smoking, and since the overdose "trigger" she has been even more against it. She thinks that me smoking triggers her attacks, so I have cut down slightly. Not enough, something I feel guilty about. She has attacks whether I smoke or not but she is convinced me smoking is a trigger, which is enough.

I had cut down on my smoking when my brother came back from university in May, bringing a quantity of cannabis with him. This is the last quantity, him having finished university and no longer being in contact with suppliers. We had arranged for an old friend to come and stay with us in June for a week, and had put aside some pot for one last session of smoking and childish videogames while he was here. I regret but I have been partaking of the herb quite frequently before my friends visit, enjoying quality time with my brother after his absence at University and his stress of his final exams.

So, on one hand: My poor girlfriend who doesn't want me smoking. On the other hand: one of my oldest friends who I haven't seen for nearly a year and wanting to be stoned with him and my brother one last holiday before it's all gone and that mood and atmosphere never to be felt again.

I thought that telling her about this planned visit some months in advance would be sufficient. I thought that one selfish week spent mildly intoxicated with an old friend and my brother, one last time before we stop smoking, would be fine. I thought that the knowledge that this week is the last time I smoke would be sufficient. I thought that her panic attacks would not flare up so badly.
But it didn't work like that.
My parents were away the first two days my friend was here and she was terrified at the thought of being alone in the house with only "dopeheads"- not responsible people who could rush her to hospital if she had anything go wrong. She asked me not to smoke but I could only meet her halfway, having a little smoke with my friend but not getting intoxicated or "trashed". I didn't realise how much that would upset her.


I think part of the problem comes down to a certain woolliness on my part in regards to the amount of cannabis left. I was under the impression we had only a day or two smoking left but due to careful consumption (and me not smoking very much because it upsets her) the weed has lasted most of the week. She feels that I have lied to and betrayed her because I haven't had an accurate weighing measure in my head. :/

To reiterate; My girlfriend is anti-cannabis, especially after a very unpleasant experience that may have been the trigger for her panic attacks. I had planned a week with a friend visiting for some months. I thought a week out of the 8+months I have spent with 100% attention on my girlfriend would not be too selfish a thing. She thinks that me smoking is a trigger for her attacks. I have been unable to completely quit because I had geared myself up for this final week of smoking and seeing an old friend. Me smoking this week has caused immense friction between us and seen her hysterical on a few occasions.

What I want to ask is am I such a cruel, selfish, wretch in not giving her what she asked of me… but instead trying to find middle ground between old friends, my brother (a good friend), one final holiday of smoking and my poor girlfriend?
I smoked before this week which did nothing to improve her paranoia.
I know I should put her first but I have put her first for months, I will spend the rest of my life putting her first… One final week didn’t seem like such a big deal, but it is.

Too Long; Didn't Read Version:

My girlfriend has panic attacks. I smoke pot sometimes. Are the two connected?

[spiral]

This all sounds so familar.
I am pro-cannabis i think it should be completely legal but it gives me major panic attacks. I think really it just affects me if i eat it but as i don't like smoking i've never been mildly stoned just really stoned. The first time i was drunk as well and i was convinced i was falling at of my body i was hystericaly screaming. Lol i freaked out my ex and his mates so much. Anyway so rationally i think that passively smoking a bit a pot won't effect me but it still really freaks me out people smoking around me. Luckily it's difficult to get hold of cannabis so i only have this problem like once a year and i just sit by an open window (which i like to do when people are smoking normal cigarettes anyway)
I don't really know what is the right answer. Personally i don't think she has a right to tell you not to smoke but has she has every right to be not smoked around if you wanted to be stoned on a regular basis you can't expect to spend much time with her which would probably not be good for your realationship...

[Jaco45er]

On reading it my 1st thought was do yourself a favour mate, give it up. Anyone I ever knew who smoked that junk (and a few of my mates do)seemed to drop their IQ overnight.

But it's horses for courses, people are free to make their own choices.

Tell you what though, cannabis and mental health problems in the media? no smoke without fire imho.

As for legalising it? I think we have enough problems.

Jaco

[nic77]

i can understand where your coming from its not getting stoned but its whether your girlfriend has control over you and what else would you have to give up but it does sound like she needs some help and i dont no what kind but get her to see the doctor again. but the drugs can make people paronoid
if smoked over a long period of time


i used to smoke the stuff as well and im sure its not helped with my mental illness

[Lindalou64]

i use to smoke pot alot and hash ect,and even today just to be around it i get anxiety big time .........Linda

[EebyJeeby]

My parents were away the first two days my friend was here and she was terrified at the thought of being alone in the house with only "dopeheads"- not responsible people who could rush her to hospital if she had anything go wrong. She asked me not to smoke but I could only meet her halfway, having a little smoke with my friend but not getting intoxicated or "trashed". I didn't realise how much that would upset her.

It's because your girlfriend is terrified. She is acutely anxious and insecure. She doesn't want to be like that, but she is at the moment. It's not personal - many people here can vouch for that. It's a truly frightening state to be in and it is, by nature, very introspective and may seem selfish to onlookers.

In my own experience of this, I was frightened of anyone who wasn't "straight". It was hard enough trying to get some traction on reality without being surrounded by people who are deliberately out of it. It makes you feel very, very unsafe indeed.

What I want to ask is am I such a cruel, selfish, wretch in not giving her what she asked of me… but instead trying to find middle ground between old friends, my brother (a good friend), one final holiday of smoking and my poor girlfriend?

It's a timing issue more than anything, I'm afraid and you had to make a decision under pressure from both her and the expectations of your mates and brother. To you, it's just a smoke with mates - to her, it's everything; her security and sanity are threatened. She's relying on you heavily at the moment and it's the worst thing in the world to think that her support might not be there (i.e. too trashed). However, it's not the norm and she will recover from this quicker with treatment and your full support. Maybe the thing you should be asking is why was the dope so important to you?

Too Long; Didn't Read Version:

Your girlfriend is terrified of what's happening to her because she is unwell. You do something which adds to the fear (not necessarily logically, but fact still stands). They are clearly connected, but you've given up now anyway, right?

Eeb x

[Rinkidink]

Thanks very much for the thoughts everyone. Especially the helpful and perceptive words from EebyJeeby

[louwilliams]

i smoked weed for years but stopped about 4/5 years ago

long and short of it is-and not being the femenist is-you need to make a choice

its your girlfriend or the weed

i know your girlfriend gives you everything you need but the theres your mates and your bro............where are their girlfriends? do they smoke weed? are they with they like with YOUR girlfriend?

i understand that you want "one last weekend" but be honest with youself.......is this REALLY gonna be the last weekend?

she needs re-assurance and understanding and just to know your there-if your not she will go off on one-if you read this you will say to yourself "yes she will" and if she reads it she will say "yes i will" so its down to you bud---is one night with your bro and mate (who lets be honest will ALWAYS be their
) or is it staying in with your mrs to make sure she doesnt get ill?

up to you

xxxx

[louwilliams]

also I lived with a dealer (and not weed) for 4 years so i have experience with what drugs can do to someone

i watched a gorgeous, loving, faithful man turn into an ugly, hateful, unfaithful and most importantly RESENTFUL man and i would hate for any man or woman to go through that

xx

[poppet]

Hi there
I have been smoking weed/self medicating for 10 yrs now.
I have only had long term ''successful'' (i use the term loosely) relationships with smokers.
I have 2 friends who have suffered from drug phycosis after smoking weed and are ok(ish) when not around it...It's a totally different story if they were to smell it/be around smokers...windows open or not!
Could she not go to a friends she trust to keep her safe when you have a catch up with your mates (if you must smoke)?
My current relationship is about 7 yrs and we have smoked together from the start. Before him i had dated a couple of guys (really nice caring guys) who either hated balzing but knew I did it, or did not know i smoked at all!
I would often say i had a headache and go home where I would hapily skin up a joint, freely with no hastle in the comfort of my home.
I'm guessing you like this freedom of choice and the comfort it brings and having someone you love object to this is quite trying...But what are your actual concerns?
Her being panicky....any guilt you may feel being a contribution to that?
You being TOLD to stop?
What ur bro and mates think/feel?
i think you have done the right thing coming on here to seek advice/support/info on how to deal with your situation, I WISH my boyfriend cared enough to even THINK to do it....but I hope you're not looking for some kind of majority vote on ''your'e righ..she is unreasonable...spark up mate!''
I choose weed twice over two successful relationships and always went back to smoke with the now boyfriend...lets just say possibly in hindsight, not the best choice....(see profile).
My boyfriend has no intention of quitting whereas im desperate too as i know it has done us NO FAVOURS. and not helping me get better no AT ALL!
Over the years the smoking has changed the man I fell in love with and left just a shell of his formr self.
He is now possesive, controlling, violent, problamatic,sometimes cruel and has done me no favours in our time together.A once promising sports tipster , he is now just a compulsive gambler, stealing from me to feed both his habbits.he has ruined the best part of my life and although I kinda hate him...I too have a dependancy and do still love him.
( IAM IN NO WAY SUGGESTING YOU ARE BECOMING/LIKE HIM!!!!!)
He has no idea what im going through at the moment and had shown no compassion or understanding...HE IS THE ONLY PERSON I FEEL I NEED TO BE THERE FOR ME!
I am SOO fragile at the moment and I'm guessing your girlfriend is the same.(especially in a new country!)
Surely if you love someone, seeing them so upset and distressed must kill you and you would do anything to reassure them and try to stop them feeling that way....+ quitting is not that much of a bad idea for your health anyway..
Remember someone can say something to you and it make no difference to how you feel...but it can be crushing and hurt the most when from someone you love.
So i am in a bitter relationship now based on dependancy, a habitual routine, and a memory of who we were when we fell in love.
I get to see on facebook my lovely Ex's happy in their smoke free relationships without me, whilst I lie in bed wondering where it all went wrong (as i light up with my broken hand).
Don't make the mistake I made...Choose love and logic....be there for each other....if you're gonna have the odd smoke...don't do it arround her...but on't lie about it.
Be there for her for however long it takes...she needs you more than your mates/bro AT THE MOMENT....
Remember she is HUGELY sensitive, so what may be minor to you...can be huge and multidimensional to her.
I CHOOSE WEED AND MATE...MY LIFE IS F***ED...
Be understanding and try not too argue about how long a bag lasts...bigger picture!
Good luck to you both...just don't make my mistake. xx