Hi all,

I'm not sure what I am expecting from this post, I just need to vent somewhere right now.

Right now I am finding things that have happened in my past are coming back and haunting me. I went through a very violent relationship with my eldest father, I was 13 when we got together, I fell pregnant and had my eldest at fifteen. I was so naive when all this happened, it very quickly turned violent and controlling. By the end of it, I was getting hurt just for simple things like not replying to texts correctly, or being too friendly with others.

Forward on 6/7 years, I have a wonderful partner, three beautiful and healthy children. I should be very happy, we have a very stable home and my partner is absolutely amazing and tries to do the very best for me and the children. Yet I'm still struggling, I've never spoken about the abuse I encountered, I just dealt with it and moved on but now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm angry and hurt how someone would ruin all of my confidence and my happiness.

My anxiety is sky high, I can't leave the house and I'm having daily panic attacks, most of the time I don't even know why or what has triggered them.

Recently I just feel like ending it all, it isn't worth feeling like this all the time. it's too much and I will never be happy, I make everyone around me suffer too much but then I am left with this awful guilt of feeling like this when I have everything I ever dreamt of. I don't deserve any of this happiness or my partner and kids.

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk about this but I normally find they are useless. So I don't know where to go from here :(