That's the title of a reddit post about health anxiety by reddit user "chronicallyterminal", which I recently stumbled upon and wanted to share with you all (I can't actually link it here, but if you want to see the original post, you can just type the title into Google and it should show up).
I cried and laughed while reading it, because I could just relate to it so much. I think it's very well written and inspiring in a way.
I hope it's okay to post this here
(I'm not sure if it was necessary, but I censored some swear words just in case)
"How I survived lymphoma, 3 brain tumors, HIV, AIDS, countless blood clots, and heart failure.
About six years ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I battled it for several weeks before I was finally cured. This was my first encounter with a terminal illness, at the age of 15.
I was healthy for a long time. Everything was great, until I discovered I had a brain tumor. I didn't have headaches often, but this one could only have one explanation. I knew I only had a few months left to live. Miraculously, my tumor atrophied over the course of a week and completely disappeared. I felt normal again.
Things were great. I was a new person. Until I contracted HIV. I knew it the second it happened. I won't go into details about the event that led to this, but what else could explain the enlarged lymph nodes about a week later? And then the fever and night sweats. Every symptom of a new HIV infection listed on Wikipedia fit perfectly, except for the ones that didn't.
This was the first major disease I had that lasted more than a month. In fact, it lasted over half a year.
I purchased my first HIV test kit 16 days after the initial infection. I knew that the detection window was usually 4-6 weeks after the initial exposure, but I religiously adhere to the mantra of "Better safe than sorry". Of course, this test came back negative, but I already expected that.
I was able to wait another 2 weeks, at which time I immediately purchased a test kit two-pack. $58 for two tests was a better deal than $37 for one, and hey, I need to start buying in bulk if I want to test myself as often as my brain tells me I should.
Test 2 came back negative, but let's be honest, only 75% of people infected will test positive 4 weeks after exposure. I figure that since my immune system was naturally already so weak (I get a cold maybe once every year or two), I would probably take a bit longer to test positive.
I used the second test at 6 weeks, which is around the 90% accuracy mark. Negative. I've always been unique.
Eight weeks and 4 tests in, and it finally happened. As I sat and waited the 20 minutes for the test results, I broke into a cold sweat. I already knew the answer, and by the time I flipped over the test swab, I had already accepted my fate. Negative. F**k, JUST BE POSITIVE ALREADY SO I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!
Alright, alright. Not to worry. I'm still only in the 96% accuracy window. That's 4 people out of 100 that get a false negative. 2 out of 50. 1 out of 25. I'm way more unique than 1 out of 25. I'm like 1 in a billion. 1 billion times 1 out of 25 is like 40,000,000, which means I must have HIV, right??
I accepted my diagnosis, even though the damned test kits kept lying to me. I didn't really need their confirmation to live like a sick dying person. Heck, I was really good at living like a sick dying person all on my own. I had plenty of experience with it, having already survived 2 terminal illnesses to this point.
I wallowed in self pity for another two months before the panic started to come back. I was beginning to feel a bit sick. Sore throat, runny nose... uh oh. I knew what that meant. AIDS was setting in, and I had just developed an opportunistic infection. My immune system was probably already compromised even before I got HIV, which is why the tests kept coming back negative. I mean, I don't have a scientific source for this, but if you have no immune system in the first place, then you're not going to develop any antibodies to HIV when you contract it. And since the HIV test I had used detected the presence of antibodies and not the virus itself, that's why the tests weren't coming back positive.
As I lay on my deathbed, I gave in and dropped another $60 on two more test kits, bringing my total up to 6. I wasn't going to need the money when I was dead, after all. I took the first one 4 months after the initial infection, and it came back negative, not to my surprise. This was more of an addiction than anything now, I didn't really care about the result so much as the process.
2 months later, my AIDS had subsided a bit. I took the second test for sh*ts and giggles, and it came back... negative.
I felt like I had been trapped on a roller coaster for the past 6 months. I had developed severe generalized anxiety alongside my HIV/AIDS infection, to the point where I couldn't even drive to the grocery store without having an all-out panic attack.
Then things got better. I told myself that I could beat this disease, I just needed to take care of myself. I started eating healthier, forcing myself onto a better sleep schedule, and even moderately exercising. Then, something amazing happened. My AIDS started to rapidly subside. Within a week I had regressed from terminal AIDS patient to a run-of-the-mill HIV patient. But I was able to cure myself of the HIV, too. All in all, two weeks after I set my mind to it, I had beaten this debilitating disease to a pulp.
I felt amazing, for the first time in over a year. I had a new life, new possibilities, new energy and drive. I was going to conquer my dreams now, no longer my illnesses. And I did pretty damned good, until I discovered that I had a congenital heart defect.
You know the story from there. I sunk down, down, down. Then I saw a doctor, had a battery of tests, was told I was healthy as an ox, and began to rebound.
Here I am today, 3 months after surviving the heart disease.
This week, I learned I have MS. I am not looking forward to this fight, but I have confidence that I can beat this disease's ass too.
Today, I was diagnosed with another disorder as well. It's called health anxiety, and this is the one I'm not going to f**ck around with. Overall, it is one of the most debilitating diseases imaginable. It can turn a person with boundless potential into a sickly shell of their former selves.
And the worst part?
This one is not imaginary."
Reply With Quote
