So, the obsession that has been bothering me a lot over the past year (and, I realize in smaller amounts over many years) is worrying that things I am doing (for instance, this post and hence my NMP account) will get contaminated by my intrusive thoughts. And of course I realize that makes no sense.


It is more about the "groinal responses" I get to my intrusive thoughts. I'm sure some of you with OCD know what this is, and it can come with sexual obsessions. But I'll give you an example of something that happened. I saw a picture of a girl on Facebook, thought she was pretty, but then realized she was like 15/16 in that picture (even though she's 21 or 22 now). My compulsion would be to start at that picture until I didn't feel any attraction or groinal responses, and then that would undo the groinal response. However, I didn't do that to my satisfaction, and then sent someone a message on this account I have on a writing site. So that meant the account was contaminated, so I had to delete it.


Really annoying and totally stupid, especially since I was making decent money (at least for me) from that writing site. I've been working on another account, but yeah...it could just as easily get "contaminated." Anyway, my intrusive thoughts have gotten worse, for example thoughts of sexual assault and then worrying I'm aroused by the thoughts.


So I'm going to a specialist, and he's telling me to agree with the thoughts. However, to tell myself that I'm aroused by a thought of sexually assaulting a relative, and actually WANT TO DO THAT (he's having me listen to a recording talking about how people who get these thoughts are likely to carry out those actions - not that he believes that, it's just exposure, even though I always knew I would never do anything like that and it was just the fear of being aroused that was bothering me) is wayy too much for me.


I also don't believe it's the only way to get over intrusive thoughts. A person could tell themselves, "Maybe I was aroused, maybe I wasn't" or even "that's just a nonsense OCD thought; I can tell the groinal response apart from actual arousal" (although I know some people would say that that is reassurance, but I feel like if it makes the thoughts unimportant it still makes them go away...).


I'm really considering leaving therapy because of this. It's way too terrible to tell myself that I want to sexually assault my relative. What the heck? Anyway, this guy is an expert so he certainly knows what he's talking about, but I just don't think this is the only way to get over bad thoughts...maybe it's the fastest and most efficient, but geez...I don't think I'm willing to go that far!


I did ask if we could slow it down, and he said I could tell myself "maybe I was" for now but I will eventually have to agree with the thoughts fully. But wouldn't "maybe" work just as well at the end of the day since it's still embracing uncertainty?