self harm OCD?

[Broseph]

Hello all, relatively new here.. I've posted a few years ago regarding my health anxiety, but I'm mostly over that now.. At least I hope.

Slight backstory, I've always had obsessive fears growing, started off with a constant fear of throwing up, before worrying about cancer, to sexual orientation, to harming others, to obsessions about my last girlfriend.
I've not been diagnosed so I don't know entirely what's going on, but I have a hunch a lot of these could be OCD related, due to immense obsessing, anxiety, checking and reassurance seeking.

My current obsession (at least I hope that's all this is) is the fear that I might commit suicide.
I had a brief battle with this a couple of years ago after watching 'Unfriended' (awful movie I know) but I suddenly got an image in my head of myself doing something harmful along with an urge, this freaked me out and sent me in a spiral of wondering if I would actually do it, if I was depressed etc. and I was perfectly fine before it.

Like I said it went away, but it has come back now, but I feel like it's stronger than it was.
Basically the last time I worried about this resulted in my getting a massive fear of becoming depressed, and since then I've had that fear in the back of my mind.
Things were ok until recently, within the same week I got dumped by a girl I was madly in love with, and then also found out that my dad had terminal cancer.
Obviously I'm massively upset by this, but the thoughts of myself becoming depressed and offing myself came back.

The thing is, I'm upset by all of these events (which didn't do any good for my anxiety) but I still don't think I actually am depressed.
I read all the symptoms and they don't really seem to fit me, I sleep just fine, my appetite hasn't changed, I still have a lot of energy, I still go to the gym, I can still enjoy all of my hobbies (though not as much as I used to) I don't feel worthless.
Admittedly I don't have the greatest self esteem, but I've never really had that anyway.
If I'm doing something that takes my mind off of things, I feel good.
I can go on dates, go out with my friends, play my guitar, play video games and I feel good. I'm not the happiest right now, but I am going through a tough time anyway, what with my anxiety and my dad. Which feeds the fear that I'm depressed.

But the thoughts still come back, and I don't want them there, I want to live a full life and achieve my dreams, but because of these thoughts, I've almost convinced myself that I'm suicidal.. Like I was booking gig tickets the other day, but I got really anxious and it was like my brain was saying "you won't make it til then".
Waiting for train gives me a lot of anxiety, because I get images and urges.
Going to the bathroom scares me as that's where the bleach and razors are kept.

It doesn't seem like depression causing the thoughts, it feels more like thoughts causing the depression. I'm not looking for an escape or anything, it's literally just the thoughts. But it feels like I can't look forward to the future or anything. I also feel like I'm not feeling as anxious as I should be.
It makes me think I'm calm about the whole thing, which is not what I want to be.

So do I sound like I'm in danger, or could this be text book harm OCD?
Or could the thoughts just be manifesting as a result of the news about my dad?
I'm looking into counselling, but I just don't know what to get one for, depression? OCD? the thoughts? self esteem? Grief? Just general sadness?
I just don't know what's going on in my head, it feels so busy right now.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. I hope he receives all the care they can provide and that you & your family have as much support as is available to help you come to terms with this awful time. It's not wonder this will be creating emotional upheaval that your anxiety will feed off.

Intrusive thoughts can come with depression or OCD but really anyone can have them too as they are just part of how the human brain works. When it become a problem, a diagnosis between depression or OCD is likely.

From what you say this does seem more anxiety based to me. Anxiety can certainly lead to low mood and because you are still able to at least enjoy activities in your life and have healthy behaviours perhaps it's more that it gets you down so much that at some point and you go through a period of low mood? Mine has done that to me loads.

Obviously, only someone qualified can say about whether you are in danger however in my opinion this sounds like OCD or intrusive thoughts in some form of anxiety disorder.

Getting counselling is well worth it. Your dad's sad diagnosis only makes this more important as having someone to guide you through all this is important.

I would also suggest reading about OCD. The ways in which you react to these thoughts are usually geared towards feeding them and breaking free means tackling these negative behaviours. But anxiety in general is a good read too because just having a good balance in your life and enjoying healthy activities is also very important in managing stress levels, and these do impact on thoughts like this as many of us on here have found.