uhm hi, this is text heavy, so i apologize in advance

im 16 years old, my name is jeremy (i am a transboy so please keep that in mind when reading the second part)
i've been in therapy once, but had to stop when my stepdad lost his job
i dont have a good memory of my childhood, and have always had extremely abusive parents
my mom is a nice lady, but she is/was addicted to meth and was having an affair which caused her to neglect her children (i raised all 3 of my siblings since i was about 8 years old), the man she married, by stepdad is the most abusive person i've ever met
over the past 7 years, i have a lot of memory gaps where pieces of time have just completely been blocked out
just recently, i've been getting intrusive thoughts and even daydreams about geting raped by people that i love and trust while they film it and laugh at me
or like by weird men (including my stepdad, who as far as i know has never sexually abused me) who threaten to kill my sisters and my mom if i dont do what they want
every time this happens i feel so dirty and so sick even though i know they're just intrusive stuff

is this normal? do you think i should try and talk to a therapist about it?? i'm really worried im going to hurt myself or something on accident when i have a panic attack

again so sorry for this being so text heavy,,