hiya
hmm it's been a weird night and day for me, i thought maybe i should let it all out somewhere.
I have felt so SO down at times, and the only reason i have been feeling better for the past few hours is i was chatting to a couple of girls on the net and there were hints of them liking me and stuff, which sounds silly but obviously that always makes your feeling of loneliness or panic about feeling abandoned fade a bit, as there is someone who doesn't mind being close to you. You know what I mean?
hmm :( and i feel weird again. My mood is so up and down. i guess i feel alone now as there is no-one around at the moment, the person i was chatting to is gone.
but yeah i noticed something super weird earlier. I was playing furcadia and i was in this bar in the game, and i noticed that even in GAMES i tend to sit away from people, or distance myself from groups. Like there were a load of them sitting on these rugs and seats in the middle of the virtual bar, and i went over in the corner and plonked myself in the middle of cold floor away from everyone, which is precisely where i would be if i had the option in reality. So I encouraged myself to go over and sit with them, and i sat on the little virtual rug with the virtual furry people, and even that felt so weird! i felt way to close to people, and way too... like i was in a situation where i should feel comfortable around others and close like that.
I think I just have major issues with feeling accepted or comfortable around people, i am used to being picked on and pushed away and hurt and stuff.
Why can't this all stop? These lonely horrible feeling inside of me? This frustration? This confusion, this feeling of being left out and cold and alone?
I want to have a LIFE again so, so much. Like I did a few years ago. even my character in furcadia is now just sitting on a two person seat all by himself!! lol *slaps forehead!*
He's a squirrel and is also called Hoppi
but it's not necessarily just wanting a girlfriend, it's just wanting PEOPLE and close friends and a real LIFE again.
Everyone seems to have people they really click with and feel so close and connected to apart from me. That girl i was chatting to before was like "yeah we can try being together more but the person i am with has to know there is someone else and they will always come first" (the other person was a close friend). And I don't want to be second best or an "ok friend" or just "someone". *cries* i want to feel SPECIAL. i want to feel special to someone and to people so, so much. I want to feel like i'm valued and like people really enjoy being with me. You know?
i'm tired of being hurt and pushed away and having someone else chosen over me. I'm tired of being a silly, single guy who has to get the attention of girls because there seem to be so many of us around - you know what i mean? It's like because there are so many of us compared to relatively few single girls looking for guys, i don't feel like i'm worth much as a person, at least not to girls.
and i want my stall idea to succeed (my fair trade hippy-ish stall idea). I want to have my own lil fun business and travel and help people and do good things, i want to have fun and i want to live my life and learn and experience things.
and i guess i should end this waffly post now! lol
thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read it, i really appreciate it, and hopefully my life will pick up again soon or someday
Hoppi