loneliness and confusion and... i don't know really

[hoppipolla]

hiya

hmm it's been a weird night and day for me, i thought maybe i should let it all out somewhere.

I have felt so SO down at times, and the only reason i have been feeling better for the past few hours is i was chatting to a couple of girls on the net and there were hints of them liking me and stuff, which sounds silly but obviously that always makes your feeling of loneliness or panic about feeling abandoned fade a bit, as there is someone who doesn't mind being close to you. You know what I mean?

hmm :( and i feel weird again. My mood is so up and down. i guess i feel alone now as there is no-one around at the moment, the person i was chatting to is gone.

but yeah i noticed something super weird earlier. I was playing furcadia and i was in this bar in the game, and i noticed that even in GAMES i tend to sit away from people, or distance myself from groups. Like there were a load of them sitting on these rugs and seats in the middle of the virtual bar, and i went over in the corner and plonked myself in the middle of cold floor away from everyone, which is precisely where i would be if i had the option in reality. So I encouraged myself to go over and sit with them, and i sat on the little virtual rug with the virtual furry people, and even that felt so weird! i felt way to close to people, and way too... like i was in a situation where i should feel comfortable around others and close like that.

I think I just have major issues with feeling accepted or comfortable around people, i am used to being picked on and pushed away and hurt and stuff.

Why can't this all stop? These lonely horrible feeling inside of me? This frustration? This confusion, this feeling of being left out and cold and alone?

I want to have a LIFE again so, so much. Like I did a few years ago. even my character in furcadia is now just sitting on a two person seat all by himself!! lol *slaps forehead!*

He's a squirrel and is also called Hoppi

but it's not necessarily just wanting a girlfriend, it's just wanting PEOPLE and close friends and a real LIFE again.
Everyone seems to have people they really click with and feel so close and connected to apart from me. That girl i was chatting to before was like "yeah we can try being together more but the person i am with has to know there is someone else and they will always come first" (the other person was a close friend). And I don't want to be second best or an "ok friend" or just "someone". *cries* i want to feel SPECIAL. i want to feel special to someone and to people so, so much. I want to feel like i'm valued and like people really enjoy being with me. You know?

i'm tired of being hurt and pushed away and having someone else chosen over me. I'm tired of being a silly, single guy who has to get the attention of girls because there seem to be so many of us around - you know what i mean? It's like because there are so many of us compared to relatively few single girls looking for guys, i don't feel like i'm worth much as a person, at least not to girls.

and i want my stall idea to succeed (my fair trade hippy-ish stall idea). I want to have my own lil fun business and travel and help people and do good things, i want to have fun and i want to live my life and learn and experience things.

and i guess i should end this waffly post now! lol

thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read it, i really appreciate it, and hopefully my life will pick up again soon or someday

Hoppi

[hoppipolla]

i feel unwell and hollow inside =(

that girl i was chatting to is off chatting to some other guy now, and even though i know it probably wasn't something i wanted, i still feel weird.


Maybe I should just get some sleep.

[hoppipolla]

oh please someone talk to me :(

what is so wrong with me?

[nomorepanic]

Hoppi

Sounds like you are lacking in self-confidence and have low self-esteem.

You could ask the GP if they run any classes that you could go to.

Also I am wondering if the "living in a virtual world" is doing you any good? These obviously aren't real people that you are interacting with and it seems to me that you need real life friends and not just ones on the net.

Can you not join a club where you can get out and meet people?

[hoppipolla]

I know, you're right, i only really go on the more social rpgs and things like that when i dunno, i am stuck at home with nothing to do and i just want to chat to new people.

i guess i could go to something, but i wouldn't know where to go... maybe it's an idea though if i find something i would like. I wanted to go to a local anxiety group as i thought it might help me to find people who feel similar, but apparently there aren't any anymore, or at least not NHS ones.

i know i probably need something more to do with interests or whatever anyway. I think going to more festivals and gatherings and stuff is a good way to meet people, i just need the calmness inside myself and to feel ok enough to go.

hmm

[nomorepanic]

i guess i could go to something, but i wouldn't know where to go... maybe it's an idea though if i find something i would like. I wanted to go to a local anxiety group as i thought it might help me to find people who feel similar, but apparently there aren't any anymore, or at least not NHS ones.

No Panic have a list of local support groups so you could call them and find out if there is one near you.

[hoppipolla]

oo *clicks*


EDIT -- owh! i just realized i dunno where i'm clicking! lol

[nomorepanic]

Their website is:

www.nopanic.org.uk

I think you have to call and ask for a list of support groups in your area.

[hoppipolla]

i tried chatting to that girl again a second ago just saying hi and stuff and she asked if i had a crush on her so i said a lil maybe, then she asked what it is about her i like, and i said something like that she is just my cool lil friend that i bump into sometimes and she makes me feel nice inside. and said that it made me feel strange thinking of her and someone else. you know? i was just honest. and then she went all quiet. and i asked why she wasn't saying anything and she said there wasn't much room for a response, and so i said i was just speaking my mind and stuff, and then when she went quiet again i said maybe it's best that we just see each other around and told her to take care and stuff, like cutting it a bit.

it's just so weird ._. i just want someone to be nice to me. why couldn't she just say something like "aww hoppi" and given me a little e-hug or something? just ANYTHING, just be nice :( *cries to self*

i don't get it, what am i supposed to do? I don't ask for the world, i really don't, i just want people to be nice to me and treat me like a real person. I just want little hugs and nice things and smiling faces. but all i get is coldness and i close up and listen to less than jake and sing every lyric and then think about it and cry. :(

and i know that was just a silly little thing with someone i barely know, but it just happens to me ALL the time and i don't even do anything wrong :(

hmm, i hope i work out things out one day. like i hope one day i'm sitting there and i go "oh!!!!" and i work out how i'm supposed to have been living my life all these years. Work out what is so terribly wrong with me that everything comes down so hard on me all the time.

sorry, long moan, but man i'm feeling hurt inside at the moment ._.

[hoppipolla]

:( i'm tired of feeling so weak too

my mum is in the other room watching this programme about this poor 9 year old boy who has a terrible disease and is dying and stuff (but i'm guessing they save him) but I just felt unwell whenever i heard the over the top music and commentary and everything about how damn scary everything is. I'm just tired of emergencies and things being a big deal. You know? I just want to hear about nice things for a while, stability and niceness and happy people.

I don't mind action and horror films as that's funny fiction and you can all have a laugh but i don't want real emergencies, I get them ALL the time from my parents and I am so so tired of them. I just want to lie in the sun and climb trees and play with my rabbit and enjoy simple things. If an emergency happens, so be it, but it shouldn't be a daily or even hourly event like it is around my parents.

Help =(