Hi everybody,
Apologies in advance for the long post!
I posted a while back that my thoughts started off as POCD ones which was really frightening. I still get the odd couple but they seem to pass. So for me now, the battle is constantly being in my head all the time. At first I was just getting a general thought regarding the individual that my POCD thoughts had centred around (e.g. the name) but now I'm not even sure my brain is doing this. It is hard to explain. I am so hyper-aware of what I'm thinking. Even as I write this now my brain is telling me "you're thinking about ...... again". Even though I am not directly thinking of that thing. It just feels like a negativity clouding my brain without sometimes ever materialising into an anything. Then on the other hand my brain can make the thought clear and loud. This happens constantly even when I am trying to relax/distract myself by reading a book, watching TV or even talking to people. Last night for example, I had booked to go and see a show ages ago and I was super exited but it seemed like the whole time I was watching I was constantly in my own head!
Or, I'll begin to look at this in terms of time. So if I've actually managed to be out of my own head (very rare) which only ever seems to be for a very short period of time, my brain will go "you didn't think about that for a minute, but now you are back in your head again!".It's so frustrating and even complicated to explain! I also set time limits for myself such as 'by .......... I want to be thinking normally again' or 'what if by ....... you are still thinking like this'.
My OCD thinking or whatever the hell this is seemed to be at it's worse when I had 2 weeks off for the Easter holidays. Even though I was trying to fill my time, this certain feeling and thinking pattern was still in the back of my head. Since being back at work I feel like I have really been in control of my head (well, until this week). I work in education and it can be hectic so I have found it a positive way to distract myself even though I still have bouts of being in my own head, I find myself being able to go longer periods of time without doing so. It's almost like I will be reminded that I haven't thought of it but it will soon be replaced with something else. However, this week I have just taken a turn and I feel like I am back at square 1 which I am struggling to understand seeing as I was doing so well. I now wonder if I will ever feel like that again.. I had my first CBT appointment and as much as I feel happy for seeking help, part of me is like "what if you can't do this?" and I have just booked an appointment with my GP regarding medication options.
I keep seeing replies to people's posts saying "just block them out" or "just push them away" but when I attempt to do this they just come right back within minutes it seems. Or like today, I've been up since 6:30 and this has been what has consumed my mind since the moment I woke up. I have also seen posts with similar content that explore the theme of hyper-awareness. I am wondering if this falls into that category.
I also find myself comparing and dwelling on times when I felt good and felt bad, but reminding myself that even though I was doing well the thoughts were still present and associating things to the negativity (I have always done this). I would expand but I fear that the post will be far too long!
Thank you for taking the time to read and any advice is greatly appreciated!
---------- Post added at 18:08 ---------- Previous post was at 17:32 ----------
I’ve also just seen a post by Terry on another post regarding anxiety causing blips to happen during recovery.
Could it be possible that because I was subconsciously nervous about my first therapy session or even travelling away from home to see this show contributed to this?