Really disturbing intrusive thoughts about cannibalism?

[JooneBug37]

Hi, lately, I’ve been having disturbing intrusive thoughts about cannibalizing my loved ones. This has scared me a lot. The thing is, I’ve always been curious about cannibalism. I’ve had morbid curiosity about how human flesh tastes like, but I never thought I’d actually have thoughts of eating someone, least of all my loved ones.
I feel like I might actually want to act on the thought. OCD seems to be trying to do this to me. When I suffer from anxiety, my stomach feels weird, and this seems to trick me into thinking I’m hungry. I also have urges about cannibalism. This is really scaring me. It feels like I actually want to eat someone. What if this isn’t an intrusive thought, but an actual desire to eat someone, because of curiosity or hunger?

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's not the first time I've come across cannibalism in OCD! It's less common than other forms of violent themes though.

Many people have morbid curiosities. How many of us read about serial killers, watch very violent horror films or read about death, torture, killing, rape, etc. That's a far cry from someone who becomes such a monster otherwise we would be living in a very scary world indeed.

It's scaring you, so that's one thing to consider when we think about what intrusive thoughts are. They scare us, they are ego dystonic. You aren't loving them, you aren't planning ways to explore them in real life.

You don't get a hunger pang to indicate you want to commit an act like this, you would need to be very open to committing such an act to find it so normal as to indicate basic hunger. That's just your anxiety tricking you into a "what if". Anxiety brings stomach issues with it and this just allows your subconscious to attempt to latch onto it to show you there is some association with your current theme. But there isn't, it's just you being confused about what these sensations mean.

Think of how many people watch violent films. Some of them may have harm based OCD and find themselves twisting their thoughts to meet what their subconscious is trying to show in their intrusive thoughts. I've certainly seen threads like this and had these thoughts myself when I went through this theme (I've always enjoyed action films, I'm not really into horror though).

Urges are difficult in OCD as we worry they mean we "want to" but a lot of the time it's actually some physical response in the body that can be triggered by want e.g. sexual urges in sexual themes are well explained as being upstream from belief checking.

[JooneBug37]

Ya, the urges are freaking me out because they seem so realistic, more than any other intrusive thought I had to deal with. My anxiety usually bring stomach and throat issues with it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I used to get urges that made me feel like my body was being pulled although from the outside it wouldn't look this way.

The building tension often came with them.

But intrusive thoughts aren't just considered thought alone, they can come as imagery or urges too, so the same issue applies it's just it can be scary at first as it's like you can "feel it" as opposed to it being a scary thought that doesn't seem to go anywhere other than to cause anxiety/panic.

I struggle with agitation as a symptom. And I have a repeated pattern of increased adrenaline (which started with a med, it was never part of anxiety before). The latter especially can make me feel like I'm screaming inside.

It can help to burn that tension, agitation, adrenaline, etc off. Get out for some exercise, it can help. Do physical things even if it's cleaning as it will encourage your body to metabolise excess adrenaline into other chemicals it needs and quicker than if you are sedentary.

[JooneBug37]

Ya, thanks for the advice. I don't feel as anxious anymore. However, there is still something that's bothering me. Lately, I feel like I'm getting "pleasure" from the thought. I think it's my OCD. but it feels like actual pleasure, which scares me, partly because I'm getting pleasure out of this thought, and partly because if you experience pleasure from a thought, it's not intrusive. But OCD is pretty skilled at tricking me, and this pleasure feeling could've come from anywhere else other than my thought.
Also, now whenever I see people, I 'test" myself to see if I actually want to eat them. This backfired on me, though, because now I can't see someone without thinking of the thought. My loved ones get this the hardest, and I try to avoid them. Is there any way to get this thought ot of my head?

[Catherine S]

I would hazard a guess that this would be better treated by a professional therapist. No disrespect to the OP intended.

[MyNameIsTerry]

This might be of some use in understanding this new twist but it's nothing new on here, I went through that myself with harm based intrusive thoughts:

https://www.ocdonline.com/i-think-it-moved-2

The old backdoor spike
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A common phenomena associated with therapeutic success is an experience I refer to as the "backdoor spike." A backdoor spike is the threat which emanates out of no longer experiencing anxiety in association with the ambiguous question. For most OCD sufferers, getting anxious is a bit of a reassurance that something is amiss. "How do I know that I have OCD and I'm not really gay? Because the mere question makes me so anxious." Therefore, when someone reaches their therapeutic goals and no longer experiences anxiety in association with the spike, the threat that the question might be real, without producing anxiety, becomes a whole new spike. In other words, patients then become anxious because they are no longer anxious. "I saw my roommate in his/her underwear the other day… Oh My God… since I didn't experience any anxiety does that mean I looked because I was really interested?!?"

We tend to expect a very formulaic experience in OCD where intrusive thought triggers fear/disgust/shame and more panic/anxiety within the obsessive-compulsive cycle. But it doesn't always work this way and then we panic again because of the "what ifs" i.e. does this mean I really am turning into that monster I fear? But sometimes it's just about chemistry, our bodies can be so worn out that it's hard to respond with anything other than the low mood end of symptoms.

But something OCDers often don't realise is that at some point you recover and that means no longer being afraid of these thoughts. So, does that mean everyone who has ever recovered become those monsters? Of course not, they have simply learned the thoughts aren't real and the subconscious has learned to stop sending all this extra "data" which constitutes symptoms.

So, at some point in recovery you cross over to not being bothered by the thoughts. Then comes this challenge of accepting this is ok and doesn't mean the opposite or you just pull yourself back down the rabbit hole.

Things like the Backdoor Spike are well known in OCD. Aside from that doctor you will find psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists, etc that talk about them as well as the major charities.

I had the "liking" parts to me at some points. And when I started recovering I found myself laughing at the daft thoughts or even saying "go on, do your worst" and shrugging them off as nonsense.

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Also, now whenever I see people, I 'test" myself to see if I actually want to eat them. This backfired on me, though, because now I can't see someone without thinking of the thought. My loved ones get this the hardest, and I try to avoid them. Is there any way to get this thought ot of my head?

Testing is a classic compulsion in OCD. You will see the sexual themes, ROCD, etc doing this a lot.

It's about trying to evoke the same response. As that doctor mentions it can bring a sort of reassurance. And like I said above when you get a different response the conscious mind panics something has changed or this means something X.

Avoiding loved ones will feed the cycle, it's a compulsion. I know this is hard because it feels more natural to want to protect them but like hiding all the knives in the house it's creating importance to the fear.

Getting professional help is a good way to go. It's not just about this thought but all your others because OCD just jumps to a new theme or scenario for some. It's the underlying OCD that's the real issue to treat. But what I've found is it's important to read about OCD so you know your enemy and it's various disguises, to follow what I've learnt from CBT and learn to react with positive/neutral reactions to these thoughts as opposed to the negatives that reinforce it's cycle.

Mindfulness was a great help to me in understanding acceptance.