Jealousy/Intruding thoughts

[Lilith1980]

Hi everyone, I just joined and would really appreciate some feedback.

I guess I feel quite ashamed posting about jealousy because it’s such an unpleasant emotion and I never really thought of myself as a jealous person but I guess I have been for most of my life. It’s just not been as bad as it is now.

I met a wonderful guy 11 months ago and moved in with him 4 months ago. I moved from London to the Midlands so left behind the job I enjoyed, the area I knew, and my friends. It was a huge step for me and I didn’t really appreciate how over-wealming it was. But I don’t regret it, I am so glad I am with my boyfriend as we did the long distance relationship thing for nearly 8 months and it was so hard and I love him to bits.

It’s been hard not having any friends of my own up here and I go out a lot with my boyfriend and his mates. They are all really nice but my boyfriend and I need our own space so I am making efforts to try and find my own friends.

I get very anxious if he goes out on his own (he doesn’t go out very often on his own to be fair). I worry that he will meet someone else whilst he is out. I play out scenarios in my head of how he might start chatting to a girl and then they end up kissing and all the rest. I work myself up so much that I cry. I can't sleep when he goes out, I am so stressed and anxious that it’s only really when he comes in that I can drop off to sleep.

My jealousy has gotten so much worse since I moved in with my boyfriend. I don’t know why.
In some ways I don't think I can attribute all my worrying/jealousy as being totally in my head. The reason being that when he is drunk, my boyfriend gets touchy-feely with girls. One particular time which has stuck in my mind and made we wary ever since was when he got very drunk and was putting his arm round a girl (who is a friend of ours), putting his hand on her knee and at one point his hand brushed her behind. I know its still stupid of me to worry because he was drunk and didn’t remember doing any of it. But even friends who were with us at the time noticed it and understood why I was upset.

But since then, I have been very wary of this girl. Every time we go out and she might turn up at the same place, my guard goes up and immediately I think that something is going to happen between them. I don't think I should be getting as anxious as this, but that past incident has stayed with me.

My boyfriend is a jealous person too so going out can sometimes be a bit hit and miss in terms of whether we have a row or not. But I guess this is about me and my anxiety/jealousy, although I do think we both need to sort it out.

I know it’s based on trust. I said to my boyfriend yesterday that one of the reasons I get anxious about him going out alone is because I know he gets touchy-feely and I don’t like the thought of him doing that. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t like it if I was the same with guys and he said he wouldn’t do it anymore.

But then later on we got into a row because this girl was out last night, we left the bar and went to hug people goodbye and he hugged her once, then talked a bit more, then hugged again, talked more and then hugged a couple more times. Because I was a bit tipsy I didn’t really broach it the right way. I asked him in the taxi why he hugged her so many times and he said he didn’t, he'd only hugged her twice, and when I looked down and upset he got annoyed (he was drunk too) and we had a row. I kept apologising and told him I was sorry but it took a while for him to calm down. He said “this is all in your head” which made me feel so ashamed because I know it to be true. I know I am the worse out of the two of us for my jealousy and my boyfriend doesn’t suffer with anxiety. But he has been quite jealous recently which has caused rows and it all seems a bit of a mess.

Maybe I should have said that I felt a bit insecure about him hugging her that much and could he just give me some reassurance? I don’t know.

Sorry for the long post and for waffling, I don’t know if I have talked jibberish! Can anyone relate or can anyone offer me some hints/tips to calm me down if I am out and I start feeling anxious. Or more if my boyfriend is out and I am in on my own as I feel worse in those situations.

Thanks for reading this xxx

[groovygranny]

Hello Lilith! to you!

You haven't waffled, or talked jibberish - these issues are very real to you.

It sounds to me as though your bf may also have some difficulties with jealousy.

Ideally the starting point would be to sit down together and talk about how you both feel about this. Agree to be completely honest with one another, and try not to get worked up in the process. No matter how trivial or ridiculous it seems you must mention everything - honestly.

Some people are generally more tactile than others - and they show their friendshhip by being touchy-feely. Nothing wrong with that, but what worries me is that you mention this happens usually when you are both drunk.

Excess alcohol blurs ones judgement and intensifies our sensitivity - so we find ourselves responding uncharacteristically to people and situations. Which is why your bf still does it even though you have told him it upsets you.

This isn't in your head Lilith - it's a very real fear for you.

I do think communication is the key here - and perhaps reduction of alcohol intake so neither of you lose your 'sharpness' ? Don't get me wrong I'm no killjoy, I like a glass or six of vino myself, but I know how alcohol can impair your ability to reason and deal with things.

Anyway, I hope this has been a bit of help to you - keep posting

[Lilith1980]

Hi Groovy Granny, thank you so much for your reply. I do sometimes think I am going mad!

I chatted to my boyfriend yesterday and said that I didn't want to carry on like this with the rows. I said that drink was a big culprit and wasn't helping. I said I was going to cut down but he didnt say anything. Maybe I should have asked him to cut down but I dont want to be laying down the law. He said he thought I was making too big a thing of it - not in terms of my anxiety, but my worries over our rows. I do need to talk to him again but I am worried that I will annoy him.

I am going out this Saturday with a girl who I met through my boyfriend. It will be my first proper "girls night out" since moving up here so I am looking forward to it to a certain extent. However, in the back of my mind, I know my boyfriend will be meeting his mates down the pub as well and I am worried about how drunk he will get and whether this girl will be there. It doesn't have to be this girl, I'd be worried about any random girl but I think this girl sticks in my mind because of what happened.

He never remembers doing these "touchy feely" things when he gets really drunk. I am concerned that one day he could end up doing more than just touching and wouldnt remember it anyway. And to be honest I dont see that as an excuse for being disloyal to me. But if he did go out and do something, he wouldnt remember so I'd never know but he would have betrayed me in any case. He has said there has never been anything between him and this girl but friendship. He has known her a bit longer than I have. I've spent all of this morning since waking up worrying about it. I feel so anxious and have a sick feeling in my stomach, my head is all over the place.

I know communication is the key. I am just worried because I talked to him yesterday but I talked more about being fed up of arguing. I am worried he is going to grow tired of me talking about my worries. He says he understands where I am coming from and wouldnt want me to be doing the same with other guys. But he keeps doing it, so I do think I have a right to talk about this.

I dont know what to do. I love him but every time we go out or he goes out on his own, I get a fear of dread and it shouldnt be like this. But sometimes its hard to distinguish between what is rational for me to be feeling about the situation and what I am blowing out of proportion.

I know he loves me. He wants to marry me - he wants to propose when we go on holiday next month.

This was never an issue when we lived apart. Maybe because I never saw it and just assumed it didnt happen. But I cant carry on like this, my anxiety is worse now than it has been for a long time and I need my boyfriend to help me on this.

Thank you for replying

[groovygranny]

Hello Lilith!

Believe me - you're not going mad!

But, if you do need to talk to your bf again then you must. Worrying about annoying him will only make you keep it all inside. Then one day, like a volcano, it will erupt. And that will achieve only more frustration and words that will be said in the heat of the moment and maybe regretted later.

You really must find some common ground here, and come to either agreement or compromise - on both sides, then you can both help one another.

It'll take courage to talk to him again, but I think it's important that he knows just how this affects you. After all, he's sort of admitted he feels similarly hasn't he? So, maybe that's a starting point to work from?

Seems you both need to feel secure in your relationship - so maybe it's not jealousy but security that is the main issue here?

That's a good point you made about it not being like this when you lived apart - yes, you didn't see it and so you assumed it didn't happen, but equally it just as feasible that it didn't happen!

Try and go out on Saturday with just the thought of relaxing and enjoying yourself with your friend - if you can talk to your bf before that then great, but if not then there will be another time, ok?

Keep in touch

[Lilith1980]

Hi Groovy Granny, well not one to waste time I spoke to him yesterday.

I said what I felt anxious about, me going out and something happening with him etc and he didnt really respond very well.

The basic outcome is that he doesnt mind me talking about being anxious about things like work, my health etc but me bringing up thing like this girl upset him because he said he knows he did wrong and is ahamed and doesnt want to be reminded of them. I understand that, I wouldnt want to be reminded of them but I pointed out I'm not trying to make him feel bad. Its just me trying to talk things through about how I feel at the present time.

He said I need to go out with my friend on Saturday and just enjoy myself and stop coming up with things in my head to worry about. I know that's true but I dont do it on purpose.

As for the drink, he said he used to get like that whenI wasnt living there and nothing ever happened. He just got drunk, and went home alone at the end of the night. I said I worry when he gets like that but he felt like I was making him out to have some drink problem.

I guess I have to play it by ear. We went out again last night and it was all fine. No rows and we were very "cuddly" with each other. I was careful with my drink and he didnt get too drunk either but I'm not sure if that was a conscious thing on his part.

I'm sure things will improve when I get therapy, I do need to let go and chill out but it will take time.

He said he will make a conscious effort not to be toucy feely and to his credit he has been making the effort. He said he wouldnt like it if I was the same with guys so he can see where I am coming from.

[groovygranny]

Hey Lilith, that seems like progress then eh?!! Good news!

Yep, you'll probably feel a lot easier in your mind when you get therapy, but try not to rush things and don't expect too much from yourself. Slowly and surely is better than quickly and shakey lol !!

Seems like you're both wanting the same thing - and that can only be for the good!

Just realise that although the road may be full of potholes and a bit bumpy in places, if you're both travelling in the same direction and supporting one another - you'll get where you want to go!!

You go on Saturday, think only of what a great time you're going to have - and then tell us all about it! Or PM me if you'd rather!

Thinking of you