How to support depressed partner

[Suziewuzie]

Hello guys it's been a long time since I posted here, the lovely people on this forum were a great source of support for me when I was struggling with anxiety & helped me to come through the other side (hurrah!)
I'm posting today because my boyfriend is suffering with depression. I will try to keep it brief. It seems to have been triggered by several significant things in his life all toppling over at once. Initially he was "typically depressed" spending most of his time on the sofa, sleeping all day, not eating / washing etc. He has never been a talker and refuses to talk to me so I have never pushed him to open up to me. Initially he insisted I leave him alone, so I reluctantly moved out of our house & nipped back during the week to bring food, tidy up & generally check on him. Sometimes he would seem OK, others he would swear at me and tell me to get out. This carried on for a month until Tuesday when he asked me to accompany him to his GP where he was prescribed antidepressants. He has refused to take them - again, that's his choice and I wouldn't push him, and insists that he just wants to be left alone in the house. He is becoming more & more verbally aggressive towards me & calls me names, tells me he hates me. I finally spoke to his family after his father turned up at 10am one day and found him off his face on drink and possibly drugs. An examination of the bin showed he has been drinking A LOT. I suppose I'm asking if anyone here has been on either side if this before, what did you do? My life is on hold whilst I'm in the spare room at my mums house & we are at risk of losing our house because I'm fairly sure he's going to lose his job - I do speak to them on his behalf and they're very understanding but he's refusing to see his GP to get sicknotes & isn't keeping in touch with his boss. Sorry for the essay! Any words would really help me right now guys.

[GiantMogwai]

This is very tough indeed.

What happened to kick this off?

A few opinions to be taken or left. Completely up to you.

Get his dad or a sibling to talk to him about the drinking/drugs and find out how serious it is.

Tell him that you support him and you'll be ok but he needs to find a way back from this. Tell him it isn't his fault.

Ask him to consider counselling if he doesn't want medicine.

Tell him you're going to talk to his doctor just to get a sick note for work and send that in for him.

Tell him you need to move back in with him in next couple of weeks and ask if there is anything that will make this easier.

If the drinking/drugs is serious this needs to be addressed.

I wish you luck and I hope this starts getting better.

Look after yourself and hope some others have advice too.

[Suziewuzie]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a helpful reply. I think he's been depressed for quite a while, he's changed jobs quite a lot & always expressed frustration that he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. He lost his grandad in December which was incredibly difficult for him as his grandparents raised him. After this he avoided seeing his grandma & also stopped seeing his young son - I imagine it was easier for him to avoid his feelings of grief if he didn't have to see those closest to his grandad. I think most likely he's avoided those feelings as long as he could & he's woke up one morning & it's all hit him, he most likely feels he's distanced himself from them too much to fix it, which of course isn't true.
He's very much a closed book anyway but now even more so, he puts his hands over his ears if I try to talk to him to offer any reassurance about his situation.
I am happy to take care of the practical side of things & it's a good point that will probably be helpful to him in the long run.
It's certainly helpful to have his dad on side and you're right that he may open up more to him about the drinking than me.
Thank you again!

[GiantMogwai]

Another thing to think about is bereavement counselling.

It is really hard on someone when somebody this close dies.

My preconception when my dad died was that bereavement counselling was going to be quite narrow and I'd only be allowed to talk about my dad in the sessions.

In reality it was quite wide and I could talk about any feelings or thoughts I had really.

When a loved one dies it can change relationships with other members of the family. This is a huge part of bereavement.

My dad was the strongest person in my life so when he died I lost that strength to call on in some ways.

I also distanced myself a bit more from those closest to me. It felt like it would hurt less that way if I ever lost them.

Bereavement counselling is where he can talk about this sort of thing freely.

---------- Post added at 23:21 ---------- Previous post was at 22:58 ----------

If he is reluctant to listen to you at times then maybe try talking more quietly or slowly or just keeping him company or holding his hand.

With the depression and drinking taking stuff in might literally be like listening to noise with a really bad hangover.

Alternately he doesn't believe it isn't too late when you say it. I think your reassurance is good and it is never too late in many ways, but he might be thinking mainly about his grandad.

He can't fix the loss of his grandad, and this is what he might be focusing on, but he can move forward again.

This might be all about his grandad, maybe if you tell him his grandad would have wanted him to move forward he should recognise the truth in that.

---------- Post added at 23:31 ---------- Previous post was at 23:21 ----------

I lost my dad in December many years ago. Crap time of year to lose someone. I remember having an argument with my other half about keeping all the Christmas decorations up until the end of January. She couldn't understand how this was related to my dad. Grief works in strange ways.

[Tyke]

I suffer from depression and most people don't like the idea of taking anti-depressants first time round. All I can say is they really helped me and do give you space to sort your head out once they've kicked in (it's not an instant improvement. for me it takes around a month on SSRIs (Sertraline) and can have side effects early on). I've now been on them three times and they've always helped a lot with the low mood which can be very overwhelming. If he can be persuaded to take the meds and ditch or at least lower the alcohol intake he could be in a much better place in a month or so and maybe in a better state to consider grief counselling or something similar.

[Suziewuzie]

Thank you all for taking the time to write such thoughtful replies. I'm a little late in reading them as it's been a very turbulent week in which I sadly had to walk away from the relationship. It was the last thing I wanted to do & I'm feeling tremendous guilt but unfortunately it took too much of a toll on my mental health and I found myself in a black hole where I really couldn't help anybody.
I tried it all, he refused to take the antidepressants, he refused to even give me the address to send his sicknotes to, he refused to talk to me about anything other than saying "I want to be left alone" but leaving him alone made no difference & I had to get police to force entry into the house after he locked himself inside and nobody had heard from him in 24 hours. His response to this was "I'm moving out, I can't deal with you" and while I understood his frustration I just couldn't keep living like this. He is in a safe place with his family now, he's eating and sleeping and we are in regular contact. Still nothing has changed, he says taking antidepressants would be pointless, he says he isn't going to attend his GP appt next week as that's also pointless & he won't let me send his sicknote to work as it's pointless. I've responded to all of this with understanding of how big the tasks must seem & offered advice and support but he just simply doesn't want to hear it. I really don't know how else to help him as "just being there" never worked out as he just wanted to be on his own.

[Fishmanpa]

I'm sorry to hear this but I totally understand. My ex was severely depressed and it manifested into hoarding. When, despite your very best efforts and support, a person doesn't take the help they've been handed, there's not much choice

Positive thoughts

[Tyke]

Sorry to hear how it all turned out Suziewuzie, but you did your best, probably a lot more than most people would in similar circumstances, so don't beat yourself up about it! There comes a point when anyone suffering mental illness has to take some steps to help themselves, you can't do it all for them. There are many people out there depressed with no one looking out for them, he was lucky to have you trying to help him. Maybe his family can help him now, at least you know he's not entirely on his own like a lot of people would be.

[Suziewuzie]

Thank you guys, it's a real comfort reading the replies. I'm blessed that he has his family to 'carry the burden' now as I'm not sure I could handle it if I'd left him with nobody. It's just so frustrating - I know everyones experience is different but I also relate to a lot of the things he's feeling because I've been there and I KNOW that if he took my advice it would at least help a little in the short term. Our brains sure are funny things :(

[EmmerLooeez]

I'm really sorry to be reading this Suzie, it sounds hellish for you. Unfortunately someone can only be helped if they want to and this man is flat out refusing any help. There's nothing you can do if he isn't receptive of it. It isn't fair if you're having to leave your home. Hopefully he can get the help he needs.
Xx