Lately I’ve been scared that I didn’t have HOCD that I was just sexually repressed my whole life and I’m actually a lesbian. To check I went and watched lesbian porn. I didn’t feel anything when I was actually watching it, but then I decided to masturbate after to see if I was gay. I started to imagine the woman doing things to me and eventually achieved orgasm. I didn’t feel any connection to her but I still was able to climax. I wasn’t thinking about her really just her tongue doing things and now I’m scared I’ll have to break up with my boyfriend because I’m actually gay.
In the middle I started to think about my boyfriend and that could have done something too. The thing is that I actively like my boyfriend and just seemed to like the one thing this woman did. I’m so confused and scared, what if all this time I was actually just repressing shame from childhood that I was gay?
I’m going to therapy next week and I’m scared she’s gonna say I’m gay and have to date women! I’ve never wanted to date a woman in my life. My brain is just so confused. I’m scared I actually wanted to have sex with this woman. But also I didn’t feel aroused until I started touching myself.