I'm back... Things not good at all.

[barbie]

I havent really posted since the site moved, as I had got much better really. I had a laparoscopy which showed nothing whatsoever, so I got on with my life and managed to do a nail course and landed a place in a brilliant salon where I now work self employed.

Things were really starting to look up, although I still had some anxiety I was coping better.

Then, on June 4th, my Mum died suddenly from a huge brain hemorrage. She went to work in the morning, happy as anything, but collapsed. By the time I was made aware and got to the hospital, she was being kept alive on a machine and we were told there was no chance of her ever coming out. So we had to let her go. The shock was just immense. I cant even explain how we got through it, I just cant.

My family flew over from Ireland, my friends and OH rallied round, I went back to work after a couple of weeks, still wobbly but ok considering. Bit panicky, but I was coping.

But now, panic has struck again. I have been ill with a tummy bug for a week, and I so missed my Mum during this, it was awful. I was hysterical most days.

Then, I went to the opticians on Saturday, as I needed my routine eye test but also one of my eyes has been feeling a bit swollen and achey.

The optician checked my eyes, my sight hasnt changed in 6 years which is fab, but she couldnt see what was wrong with my achey eye, so she got another optician in to have a look.

The second optician said that the optic nerve in my achey eye is slightly different to my other eye, and that I needed to be referred urgently. She didnt say why, but I just burst into tears and told them about my Mum. They said not to worry, the difference was so slight that it could be nothing or I could have always been like that, but I am now terrified I have a tumour!

To make matters worse, as I left the opticians, the first optician said "if your symptoms (headaches and acheyness around the eye) get any worse, just go straight to A&E".

Well that just put the fear of God into me.

Every little twinge in my head is freaking me out now. I have to wait until my GP gets the letter, then go see them, then wait to get referred. It could take weeks, even months, and I'll be going round thinking I am a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

I know that if it was really bad they would have just sent me to hospital straight away, but I cant stop thinking about it, I am so frightened.

I just dont think I can take any more bad news right now.

[neptuno]

So sorry to hear about your Mum - grief is hard enough to deal with without feeling poorly. Surely your GP will understand why you need to get a quick referral, could you pay for a private consultation ? this would happen even quicker !
Its understandable that you feel so frightened right now, keep logging on for support - we're all here to help you through this.
Be kind to yourself

[barbie]

So sorry to hear about your Mum - grief is hard enough to deal with without feeling poorly. Surely your GP will understand why you need to get a quick referral, could you pay for a private consultation ? this would happen even quicker !
Its understandable that you feel so frightened right now, keep logging on for support - we're all here to help you through this.
Be kind to yourself

I guess I could find out how much it is to go private. I am going to see my GP tomorrow or Weds, even if they havent recieved the letter by then I will explain whats happened and ask them to just refer me when they get the letter.

Thank you for the support

[Jaco45er]

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Other people just don't realise that "matter of fact" comments can send us to panic. I have had a couple of "if it gets any worse, go straight to A&E, which just leaves you dwelling on the negative thoughts.

I am sure you will look back and realise you worried over nothing once you have seen the GP. If they had found anything concrete, they would have told you to go to A&E right away regardless.

Hope you feel better soon

TC

Jaco

[kazzie]

So sorry to hear about your Mum

You have had a hell of a lot to deal with lately so please be kind to yourself!!!

What you have been thru is enough to make anyone feel anxious

Sorry I cant be more help

Luv Kaz x x x

[barbie]

Thank you everyone so much. Jaco45er I think you've hit the nail on the head, "matter of fact comments" really arent helpful to an anxiety sufferer!

Lolly, so sorry that you lost your Mum too. I think now the shock is subsiding and I am starting to grieve a little.

I did some tapping (EFT) earlier to make me feel better, just as a finished a bright white feather floated past my window. I like to think it was an angel feather from my Mum telling me everything's going to be ok.

[beauty]

Carlabarbie,
My stepmum died last October of a brain hemorage. One minute she was bouncing on the bed excited to see her grandkids, then she just colapsed and died. It was so sudden cos she too was very healthy and only 43.
Anyway i coped well at the time of the death, but recently my panic has returned (which i last had a couple of years ago). I understand how much it can alter your way of thinking when something lilke this happens..and i too have contemplated on 'what if i die suddenly like she did?' etc
Do not try and fight these thoughts, let youre mind create them as this is natural but then remember logical thought. Imagine it isnt you thinking these things but youre friend..what would you tell them?
I can assure that no matter how hard it feels now you will gain strength, the panicky thoughts have returned simply cos youre dealing with bad news and feel out of control, exactly the same has happened to me. But if you keep trying to think positively and try and think of the loss as a reason to live your life to the full, you will get better. Please believe : )

Love Beauty xxx

[honeybee3939]

Carla

So sorry to hear of your sad news, just want you to know i am thinking of you hun. i do hope you can get your eye sorted out quickly, then you have less to worry about.

lots of Hugs to you Carla
Andrea
xxxxxx

[LockedShut]

Oh, love, I'm so sorry Thinking of you, dear, and I hope everything turns around for you...
xo

[anxious]

So sorry to hear about your mum I hope you get some reassuring answers about your eye soon,

love anx xx