Stuck....
I haven't been on the site for a bit...I really don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice.
I've had panic attacks on and off for nearly 20 years. They've always been about being in an enclosed space... trains, busses, traffic, lifts.... I've been determined and positive for such a long time. Always trying, always reading, keeping fit, eating well, cutting out caffiene... doing all the things you're supposed to do.
At Easter I faced one of my biggest fears on my own and flew to Thailand and back home. It was vile but I did it. On the journey home I slept for 9 hours and the flight was OK BUT we landed and then the plane stopped. It didn't move for a few minutes while we were waiting for a landing bay and I had THE most enormous adrenaline surge. I sat in my seat and cried, and counted down, and breathed and NOTHING made it go away untill I literally ran off the plane.
That was over 5 months ago and since then it's got worse... I was on a bus the other day, something I usually find pretty easy, and I had to ask the driver to let me off as the bus was 'stuck' at traffic lights and I just had to get off.
I've had enough. I have no idea what to do now. I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING and all that happens is I try things, it doesn't work out and I go back 2 steps. I don't have the strength, energy or motivation to keep trying. My life is getting more and more limited again which is REALLY depressing but I just don't have faith in 'getting better'.
Sorry, I know I sound very negative but I feel so downhearted about it. I really try, I don't hide away, I get out there but it still feels so dreadful. I just can't sit with my fear.... never have been able to. I wish I could. That would be a dream.
I met someone recently and he asked me if I ski. I do and I love it but the thought of having to get on a plane, then a coach and a week of ski lifts feels WAY too much.
I hate panic attacks. They have ruined part of my life and I feel sad, angry, frustrated and broken hearted that ultimately they are my responsibility but I feel I have no way of dealing with them.
s.x
Reply With Quote
