I better warn you that the following is long and it may upset some because I talk about what we went through when I lost my father.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset people in part 1! After I lost my father, my mother told me he told her not to worry because I’d look after her. I guess I felt responsible anyway as I’m the only one left living locally. I rang her the first night she was alone and it became a habit so now if I don’t ring I worry she’ll wonder why even though she says she doesn’t expect me to. She always tells me not to worry because she always rings if she needs me but I do worry about her. I also see her as often as possible. I tell her I only have one mum so I’ve got to make the most of her!
A friend told me one day how she’d visited an elderly woman to help her. The poor woman was in tears because she hardly ever heard from or saw her daughter who only lived a short distance away. I realise we lead busy lives but I really felt for this woman.
I’ve often seen my mother in tears even though she’s what I’d call strong. Once I asked her what I could do to help but she said “I know you would but you can’t bring back (my father)”. I didn’t know what to say or do to that so I just held her. It’s amazing to think that when I was young she always used to push me away but simply because she didn’t want to mother me too much. We’ve always loved each other very much but it’s only since I lost my father that I started to show her more affection and now I feel we’re closer than ever. I involve her in everything we do when she feels up to it because I hate the thought of her being alone.
It was heartbreaking to watch my father deteriorate and see my mother cope with his illness. She’d sometimes call me for help and I’d dash round to help lift him etc. One of the hardest parts when we he kept offering me things saying he’d not be needing them any longer. My mother and I often tried to keep back the tears because we didn’t want him to see us upset. It was the hardest emotional time I’ve ever experienced, even worse than the previous times I used to self harm and take od’s because of pressures at work and home. Maybe I was meant to survive to be here for my mother.
After I’d lost my father, and my brother and I took my mother to see him in the chapel, my brother took her in to see him. I couldn’t face it but as I was about to follow them out I felt I just couldn’t leave as it felt wrong so I went in, touched my father on the shoulder and all I could think of was to say “I’m sorry” before my legs gave way with the worst panic attack I’ve ever felt. My chest hurt as if my heart had broken and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I had to sit while the young assistant stood in front of me consoling me. All I could think of was how Did she get her feet into those pointed shoes!!! It helped to ease my pain. When I got home my wife asked if I was ok and I replied yes before going out to walk the dog. When I got back she treated me like any other day but I can’t blame her because that’s how her illness affects her.
Later at the service I was fine. I even consoled others and I actually felt at ease standing next to my fathers coffin as I laid a white rose on it. I didn’t want to leave. It was only afterwards when I saw a friend who had recently lost her husband that things welled up again. I think my poor mother had everyone choked up including the lady undertaker who could barely speak! She later told me it was one of the hardest services she’d ever had to attend because my parents had been together so long and shared so many memories.
Later on another day I went alone to watch his ashes being scattered in the shape of a cross under a tree and although my mother can’t face going back, she’s asked me to put hers with his so they can be together again. They were That close.
I’m sorry. I don’t feel I should have written all of this because I don’t want to upset others but I guess it’s been therapeutic for me.
Nicola very kindly put the following in the poetry section but I think it’s worth copying here. It’s my philosophy in life especially after losing my father and now supporting my mother. “When we feel so afraid and alone, a simple hug can comfort us and dry our tears”.
Being there – by Bill
To be there in your highs and lows,
When you feel so ill that time goes slow,
To love and comfort, to dry your tears,
When all around fills you with fear,
To tend and care when you feel so alone,
Providing a listening ear to all your moans,
To be there when needed, to catch you when you fall,
Providing support each time you call,
To be your loyal friend for life,
When just living means daily strife,
To hold your hand, to lend a shoulder to cry on,
When the future appears bleak and all hope feels gone,
To always be there to help you live,
This much I promise I’ll always give,
To be that light when all seems black,
When you feel so lost, I’ll shine the way back.
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xx
