Preoccupation with Cancer, and always thinking I have it.

[generallyUneasy]

Hi all

I've been struggling with health anxiety for a long time and think it's time to do something about it. So I chose to talk about it on here rather than collapsing into a Dr Google search rabbit-hole like I usually do.

For years, and I don't know why, I constantly have the worry that I have some rare disease. This ranges from ALS to Mad Cow Disease to Rabies, but most frequently my worry is that I have cancer. I just seem to get over one fear when another pops up. For reference, I'm in my late twenties with no underlying health conditions, I don't smoke and I drink socially - one or two drinks 1-3 times a week depending on the time of year, work etc. I don't take any drugs or medications, legal or illegal.

My most recent fear relates to oral cancer. I have these faint white marks on the front of my gums, and despite the dentist and oral surgeon having a look and giving me the okay for a separate oral issue a year ago, I now worry that they might have missed these marks since I didn't point them out at the time. I get dental check ups twice a year and at my last appointment was told my gums and teeth are fine, but am now worried since my next appointment isn't until mid-June. I know from Googling this last year that this could be leukoplakia, a pre-cancerous condition of the gums.

I seem to get stuck in a kind of loop of scaring myself: look for or notice a symptom, Google it to dispel anxious obsession over it, Google inevitably says it could be/is cancer, go to see the doctor/dentist/other health professional, health professional says it's fine or sends me for tests that say its fine, temporary relief, notice another symptom (repeat).

Does anyone else have any advice for this or struggle with it? I have been to so many doctor's appointments for so many different issues, always afraid that I will miss something that could be a deadly disease and feeling guilty for wasting the doctor's time. I imagine that by now the doctors know I am a hypochondriac.

I have this fear that I will leave something too long or not get it checked out, and that it will turn out to be cancer that goes untreated, spreads, becomes terminal and then kills me. I have these unwanted repeated images of being diagnosed with cancer, of being told by the doctor that I am going to die, of dying young in a hostel having not lived my life, in pain and unable to console my loved ones, wishing I had only gotten it checked out by the doctor sooner.

I am so stuck and this is stopping me from living my life.

Can anyone help?

thank you

[Fishmanpa]

Does anyone else have any advice for this or struggle with it?

First off, welcome. I've been a member since 2013. While I don't suffer from anxiety or mental illness in the way many here do, I have suffered from depression and 'scanxiety' due to real physical issues and i have a daughter that suffers from depression and anxiety. I joined the site because I followed a couple of posters on a cancer site I was part of during my battle to give them a piece of my mind as they were posting on the cancer forum I was part of during my battle with the beast and stayed to offer some reality to the skewed mindsets that so many suffer with due to their HA.

I had Stage IVa H&N cancer. I'm close to nine years cancer free. I will say to you what I've said to hundreds of members here through the years.... "Cancer is an uncontrolled growth of abnormal cells. It doesn't come and go nor does it stop once it starts." If indeed this were sinister in any way, it would progress and it would be quite obvious something is amiss. Trust the doctors and the dentists and seek professional help for your HA. And as many here advise, STOP GOOGLING!

FMP

[generallyUneasy]

Hi there

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply to me. I really appreciate it.

I am extremely glad to hear that you are now cancer free; that is terrific.

I will definitely take your advice. I am arranging to go and get some help for this problem with a counsellor.

Once again, a genuine thank you for taking the trouble to reply.

All the best!

P.S. And you're so right, Dr Google is the worst!

[Fishmanpa]

No 'trouble' at all... that is, if you heed the advice If you peruse the threads here, you'll see many that are 'serial posters'. Those that post thread after thread after thread and post after post after post and post about the same and/or various issues and worries, an anxiety/HA diary so to speak, of their worries and daily struggles, defeats and victories of their journey with mental illness. They get great advice and reassurance but sadly much of it goes unheeded and the posts continue, seeking advice and reassurance. The point is to get to the place where you don't need to do so and move on with your life in a positive way. There are many members that I've communicated through the years that have done just that and many of which I've stayed in touch with through social media and they're doing great.

FMP

[generallyUneasy]

I get you, I think it can become a cycle of reassurance seeking. i.e. I’m really worried, I really want some reassurance. I’ll seek some reassurance on a forum, I got some and I feel better now, repeat.

So no worries I will head the advice. Thanks again.

[NoraB]

For years, and I don't know why, I constantly have the worry that I have some rare disease. This ranges from ALS to Mad Cow Disease to Rabies, but most frequently my worry is that I have cancer. I just seem to get over one fear when another pops up. For reference, I'm in my late twenties with no underlying health conditions, I don't smoke and I drink socially - one or two drinks 1-3 times a week depending on the time of year, work etc. I don't take any drugs or medications, legal or illegal.

How are you with the subject of death? Do you fear getting ill and dying or is it death itself, or a combination?

My most recent fear relates to oral cancer. I have these faint white marks on the front of my gums, and despite the dentist and oral surgeon having a look and giving me the okay for a separate oral issue a year ago, I now worry that they might have missed these marks since I didn't point them out at the time. I get dental check ups twice a year and at my last appointment was told my gums and teeth are fine, but am now worried since my next appointment isn't until mid-June. I know from Googling this last year that this could be leukoplakia, a pre-cancerous condition of the gums.

You will have noticed that epically bright light the dentist shines into the mouth? That's so they can see everything. If there was a problem in your gums, they'd see it. Dentists check gum health as well as your teeth, jaw, tongue etc

So why this particular cancer? Do you know someone with this cancer? Have you read a story about it recently? A storyline on TV?

I seem to get stuck in a kind of loop of scaring myself: look for or notice a symptom, Google it to dispel anxious obsession over it,

Doesn't work...

Google inevitably says it could be/is cancer

And this ^^^^^^ is why.

I bet that I could literally type in any symptom and Google will come up with cancer..

Does anyone else have any advice for this or struggle with it?

Most people on here have (or have had) health anxiety. You're in good company.

I have this fear that I will leave something too long or not get it checked out, and that it will turn out to be cancer that goes untreated, spreads, becomes terminal and then kills me.

My imagined cancer was always terminal too. My mind bypassed the fact that not everybody who develops cancer dies (such as our very own Fishmanpa) Or that cancer generally presents itself in a way that's not at all vague. My mother had cancer and she died cancer free. It didn't occur to me that the advances we are making in cancer research means that people with cancer are surviving for a lot longer. People who have cancer can still have full and happy lives, and for some people a cancer diagnosis is when they start living. My dad had cancer and some of the happiest memories I have of him are from that time. Cancer invades the body, not the soul. Cancer? He didn't have a say in that but he did have a say in his response. And when my dad left this world, it was peaceful and not at all 'scary'.

I have these unwanted repeated images of being diagnosed with cancer, of being told by the doctor that I am going to die, of dying young in a hostel having not lived my life, in pain and unable to console my loved ones, wishing I had only gotten it checked out by the doctor sooner.

Well, you're not exactly living your best life now are you? Your mind is constantly in a fearfully imagined future. So was mine. I was so convinced by my imaginary cancer that I planned my own funeral but that was also the time that I faced my fear and accepted whatever my fate was to be. As it was, there was no bowel cancer, just as there had never been any other cancer. Just as there had been no MS. No heart failure. No brain tumour. No melanoma. No horrors that I have ever imagined for myself have ever come to be..

I am so stuck and this is stopping me from living my life.

You need to address the HA at core level. You developed this MH condition for a reason. There is a cause. Maybe you lost someone you loved? A relative or friend? Mine started with my grandad's ill health. Later, it would be the thought of dying and leaving my autistic son that would bring me to my knees again and that was the biggy. It broke me for a bit and it was a long way back up. And all the time I was in that hell hole of my own mind, I had it in me to get myself out.

All I had to do was..

Accept my own mortality.
Understand that I cannot control when I die, only how I choose to live.
And that this moment is all I really have..

Have you had any therapy for this condition (HA) yet?

[kyllikki]

You've gotten some excellent advice above, none of which I'll repeat because it's all been said already.

I won't tell you about my issues and solutions, but I *will* strongly encourage you to find yours, as Nora did, above. It can take many tries, and a long while, to find the right person and right set of techniques (including for some, meds) that will help you. And yes, finding that help is up to you...

That said, you'll find a lot of "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" type advice around here lately, too, and to be perfectly honest -- not everyone is capable of that 100% of the time. So the most important thing I can add, I think, is this: It is utterly ok to be beaten by your HA at times. It is utterly ok to post on here sounding like a completely self-involved loon. It is utterly ok not to have a linear journey toward what other people who DON'T suffer from this mindset would call "normal." Do NOT beat yourself up for your bad days, your weird self testing, your googling, your reassurance seeking, whatever it is you do; do not let anyone else beat you up about it, either. I say this because it is so easy, so seductive, to view these things as "bad / stupid things to do" and hence to view yourself as some sort of failure if, despite working on your HA, you still do them, and post about them.

I mention this *especially* because you say you fear "not catching something in time." That's a personal responsibility anxiety; the sort that might also say "if I don't catch something early enough, it's all my fault" and "if other suffer because I die from something I didn't catch early enough, that's my fault to." This is, of course, utterly mad -- medical pathologies don't work that way. You are not responsible for every single possible malfunction your body might toss your way! Not everything is preventable! Aging, for example, happens to everyone, no matter how hard we might try to escape it!

Similarly, there is no black-and-white distinction between who gets to worry about their health and who doesn't. You can be extremely ill and still suffer from HA, or you can be young a fit and suffer from HA. The key word is "suffer." It's not about illness, it's about your ability to manage your reaction to illness -- perceived or actual.

I haven't conquered my HA. I doubt I will ever be able to say I have; I think my HA will likely still be there, in the background, at all times. But that doesn't matter -- I will never climb Everest either, and it'll go right on being part of the Himalayas, too. What matters is how much time and attention I'm willing to give to it. How often did you think about Everest today, before I brought it up? Probably not at all, right? ....that's my goal for my HA. I can go on having it, but I am not going to spend my time on it. It's there, and I'm here, and that's that. And when Everest suddenly pops into my thoughts, I have to learn to say "Yes, there's still a really big mountain over there. So what?" Instead of "oh my GOSH do I need to climb Everest because it's there?!??!"

At least, that's how I view it.
I hope this helps.

[sheena1946]

Hi General
like Fishmanpa,i am also hopefully now free of cancer,the male type prostate.
A HUGE callout to men at this point,GET CHECKED OUT,it is a simple procedure and it could save your life.I nearly left it too late,so even if you have no symptoms get it done.
However i digress here,please forgive that little rant.I suffer greatly from health anxiety.My Mother got cancer 50 years ago,she acted quickly and praise be lived another 37 years,to the age of 87.
In her wisdom she sat me down and told me to be wary of cancer.She must have thought she was doing me a favour,but it had the opposite effect on me and left me scared stiff from that day on.I agree with Kyllikki,i believe i will always have h/a and it does scare me.Be careful yes,like you say do not smoke,drink within limlits and eat good foods that will keep you healthy.Apart from this there is not much else you can do,but it gives you hope that you are doing your best according to medical opinion.There are plenty of sites to choose about good foods to eat for a long healthy life.I do this myself,no it is not a cure for h/a but hopefully it will put you in a better frame of mind.All best wishes to you.