Fed up

[Dee62]

I don't know if I'm posting in the right place or not.
I recently had a 7 day holter monitor for palpitations, ectopics, etc. Saw Dr for results and although it was a bit abnormal, she said it was fine, nothing to worry about. She was going to scan it to the cardiologist just as a formality and said an echo wasn't necessary. She said to engage with the cbt as she's sure it's anxiety related. This should all reassure me but it doesn't. I'm still having the skipped/extra beats, etc and scares me so much. I have 10mg propranolol to take as and when needed and also 2mg diazepam also to take as and when.
I had a reasonable day yesterday and actually felt calm most of the day, no meds. However, at bedtime I couldn't sleep, despite being tired. Pulse all over the place. Kept dozing then jumping awake.
This morning I woke feeling much the same as many mornings, hyped up, on edge, nervous tummy. I hate it. But I also felt very low mood wise, like I can't shake it off. It's frightening. Is it depression? I didn't feel depressed and don't really have a reason to be, other than the anxiety surrounding my test results. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going crazy. All I want to do is cry, lie on the bed and read. I'm worrying about work. I work from home but am expected to go into the office one day a week, which I feel unable to do. I feel under pressure.
Please, can anyone help or give me advice. I started cbt last Friday.
The only time I feel even remotely relaxed is when I'm watching Call the Midwife and knitting. Sounds silly, but that's the truth.

Thanks for reading, Dee.

[pulisa]

I can completely empathise with how you are feeling, Dee..Having a sort of escapism..anything..is such a comfort when you feel under the cosh constantly.

I think you should believe what your doctor tells you and not what your thoughts are telling you. Benign ectopics and palpitations are extremely common with chronic anxiety and the Holter monitor doesn't lie. It will expose true cardiac abnormalities.. particularly over a 7 day period. The cardiologist screen will just confirm this and I doubt whether your GP would have scanned it for the second opinion if you had been reassured by her assessment? I had a 24 hour holter done once and had a laughable amount of ectopics but was reassured that they were completely harmless. Uncomfortable but benign. I just ignore them now or tell them to do their worst. It's the only way for me.

Enjoy what treats you can..We all need them. What are you knitting at the moment? Nora loves Call the Midwife and knitting too..Wonderful stress busters!

[Dee62]

Thank you so much for replying.
I just feel so crappy, nearly all day, every day. This constant feeling of being on edge is so horrible, it makes me feel shaky and my legs weak. And I feel scared but don't know why.

I knit tiny dolls clothes and prem baby things mostly. I'll probably donate to the local maternity unit.

I love Call the Midwife. I'm part way through watching all the series for the 11th time since lockdown began. Sad, I know!

Dee

[Catkins]

Not sad Dee, when I go through a patch of struggling to sleep I have a number of books I re-read which helps take mind off things. If I worked out how many times I've read the Harry Potter series of books I'd probably shock myself

[pulisa]

No it's not sad at all..It's comforting and an escape from what you are experiencing in terms of anxiety symptoms. I'm sure you feel like a hamster on a treadmill..and it's exhausting and makes you feel incredibly low.

I find that taking a small amount of diazepam (2mg) actually helps to regulate my brain and gives a knock on effect of feeling calmer. I use them extremely selectively but they help. Whether it's a placebo effect or not is irrelevant for me. Maybe it's something you could consider as you have been prescribed them for use at times like these?

[pulisa]

Not sad Dee, when I go through a patch of struggling to sleep I have a number of books I re-read which helps take mind off things. If I worked out how many times I've read the Harry Potter series of books I'd probably shock myself

Concentrating on and reading the "right" book is such a relief for me too

[Catkins]

Concentrating on and reading the "right" book is such a relief for me too

Books really help me, but yes definitely has to be the right one.

[Scass]

Dee, many of us are so familiar with what you write. I think it sometimes just gets you down and is more low mood than depression. Some mornings I’m exactly the same, it’s like I have to put on a face to everyone else.
Knitting and watching tv are great ways to relieve your anxiety, and it’s great that you’ve found something that helps. Your little dolls sound lovely, and it’s so nice that you will donate them. I wish I could knit.
I have never watched Call the midwife, but like Catkins and Pulisa, I love to read, and re as Lily find it helps my mental health. I also love to re read a series for comfort.
I find getting out in the fresh air helps too.

[NoraB]

Nora loves Call the Midwife and knitting too.

She does indeed!

You can't beat clicking away while some poor sod is having a hard time heaving out a ten pounder.

I'm knitting myself a jumper at the mo. Front and back are done, just the sleeves to go. Had a brain blip the other day where I forgot how to increase on the sleeves (only knitted this jumper twice before)

[Dee62]

I'm currently lying on my bed. I've taken 10mg propranolol because heart was doing stupid things. Beating out of synch, skipping, going fast, bouncing about all over the place. I was (am) so frightened. I hate this 😢😥