Would love a virtual hug or words of wisdom

[Catkins]

Hug from me too

[WorryRaptor]

Thank you for your hugs everyone, it's truly appreciated.

@Nora and @Pulisa
Thank you so, so much for your advice and support. Unfortunately, the trip over is set in stone as I've avoided it for 3 years already. Mostly because interacting too much with my mum can set me so far back mentally. However, there are other people in my family who are looking forward to seeing me, and one of them has been too ill to travel to see me. So I'll have to weather the storm this time round, and then when I'm home and safe, maybe put everything down in a letter or email. My therapist told me I need to establish my boundaries without feeling guilty about doing it, so maybe this would be a step towards doing that.

[pulisa]

It's very sad that you have to protect yourself mentally from your mum's behaviours. I would absolutely hate causing my children mental pain and go all out to make sure that my own flaws don't impinge on their lives. I think it's an excellent idea to fix your boundaries and let your mum know what these are and what they will mean for you and for her in the future.

[Magic]

SENDING YOU W R XXX

[WorryRaptor]

Thank you for the hugs and support everyone

[pulisa]

How did it go? Are you ok? I do hope so.

[fishman65]

A belated hug from me WorryRaptor

[WorryRaptor]

How did it go? Are you ok? I do hope so.

Hi Pulisa

I'm ok-ish!

I ended up being pretty open and honest while I was over there, and at first, it really seemed like she listened. She seemed to be on her best behaviour at first, but it sort of descended into old habits after a while. I had firmly said that I didn't want certain plans to made for our time over there (it's a bit complicated, but it involves having to see somebody I'm very uncomfortable being around) she still tried to make those plans "accidentally" happen. It seems like the moment an external social pressure comes into play, her families wishes are brushed aside. I put my foot down and got stubborn about it, and she wasn't as chirpy for the rest of my stay there. Which is fair enough, I changed her plans after all. But those plans were something I blatantly said no to before, and ones she knew the reasons for.

All in all, it was ok. It could have been a lot worse, and I guess she's mellowed out a little. I am struggling with that old familiar weight of "Am I just oversensitive? Is she really THAT bad? Why do I feel so exhausted just asking myself these questions? I wish I hadn't confided in her because that will come back to bite me in the arse". It can be a constant push and pull of emotions with her, and I always come away from it feeling worse about myself, without being able to fully express why.

I'm home now though, and I'm still glad I got to see everyone. I still care a lot about them all, even if one or two of them can be difficult to be around. So I'm sort of holding onto the thought that I did the right thing, I stood my ground, and maybe there's a little more understanding, albeit small.

[pulisa]

It took a lot of courage to open up to her...and I'm sorry you feel that she'll use it against you. Maybe she won't though. Maybe she'll reflect on what you've said in her own time and think about her own behaviours? At least you can put some distance between you now as your obligations are over and you did your bit and more, I'm sure. Standing your ground will have annoyed her but maybe proved a point? You are not a pushover and have your own needs which need to be respected.

[WorryRaptor]

It took a lot of courage to open up to her...and I'm sorry you feel that she'll use it against you. Maybe she won't though. Maybe she'll reflect on what you've said in her own time and think about her own behaviours? At least you can put some distance between you now as your obligations are over and you did your bit and more, I'm sure. Standing your ground will have annoyed her but maybe proved a point? You are not a pushover and have your own needs which need to be respected.

Thanks Pulisa
I do feel better having stood my ground this time around. I'm hoping she does take time to reflect on things a bit more.