10 months off - now back on day 2

[panic_down_under]

Now having panic about panic about panic.. you all know the drill. My thoughts aren't really my own at the moment. I'm waking up with my heart racing again & can't even think about planning for the future (aka wedding).

Talk to your GP if it becomes overwhelming as there are ways of easing the heightened anxiety/panic triggered by dose increases.

Just taking things very slowly & quietly until this episode (hopefully) passes. I hate anxiety.

That's a very good idea. There are very few things in life that can't be put off for a while when the fickle finger of fate decides to make our lives 'interesting'.

[Overwhelmed]

I've had a little time to think (ha, as if I don't think ALL the time) over weekend. I've been having lots of rest & quiet time, which I know isn't necessarily best long term but is best for me in my current state.

I like to make up stories. Or my brain likes to make up stories, I should say. That along with Negativity Bias & Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (both very common symptoms of ADHD) leads me to interpreting one comment from my fiancé as "he doesn't care about me" which leads to a whooooooole lot of anxiety about our relationship in general, lots of "what ifs" & rumination, which then sparks sheer panic. Then panic about panic.

He doesn't know the anxiety is about us (who wants to hear that?) but he does know I'm going through a tough time & he's been brilliant.. lots of cups of teas, cuddles, movie nights, telling me I'm beautiful etc.

I'm starting to realise my negativity bias is probably one of the reasons I don't have many good memories from my past, I only seem to remember the bad stuff.

Just need to figure out a way of stopping myself creating these stories in the first place so that I can stop the panic cycle.

Still waiting on the doctor to call me back about upping my meds.

[Overwhelmed]

Thankfully the heart racing in the mornings has stopped and my panic has subsided.

Still getting these stupid constant thoughts about my relationship though. My brain has latched onto them because it knows it's what causes me the most panic. I even had a dream about us splitting up last night. 🤯 I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole with the thoughts but they are starting to get me down. I just want to go back to normal happy me planning the wedding again but I can't focus on that right now.

Thankfully I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday.

[panic_down_under]

Thankfully the heart racing in the mornings has stopped and my panic has subsided.

That's great!

Still getting these stupid constant thoughts about my relationship though.

...I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole with the thoughts but they are starting to get me down.

Divert, deflect and stop giving your mind the luxury of time to brood. As soon as the thoughts pop up go and do something else, preferably something which requires your full attention. Ruminating is one of the Achilles heals anxious minds rely on to bring us undone.

[Overwhelmed]

Thanks Panic down under.

To be honest, this relationship anxiety is kicking me in the butt. How can I go from excitedly planning a wedding with my fiancé of 9 years one minute to questioning everything the next? It's so distressing.

Doctor has agreed i should be on 20mg & I'm starting it slow - 12.5mg for a couple of nights, then 15mg then 20mg.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[panic_down_under]

To be honest, this relationship anxiety is kicking me in the butt. How can I go from excitedly planning a wedding with my fiancé of 9 years one minute to questioning everything the next? It's so distressing.

I wouldn't put much stock into what your mind tosses up when starting a new AD. They can trigger all sorts of nonsense in the beginning. It's nearly as bad as making life decisions while drunk.

Doctor has agreed i should be on 20mg & I'm starting it slow - 12.5mg for a couple of nights, then 15mg then 20mg.

That might be a little too fast so slow it down to 7 days between dose increases if the side-effects become too severe.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Done!

[Overwhelmed]

Thanks panic down under. That makes me feel better. I'll take your advice about not making any rash decisions & also taking it slow.

I have an appointment with my counsellor on Saturday too so I'm hoping we can come up with some coping mechanisms.

I also told my Mum I was struggling & she's been sending me little messages. I don't really like talking to people about my anxiety as I sometimes find it triggers me more (I'm a keep busy & get on with it kind of person, I don't like people seeing me as weak or not "normal" I guess??). At least she understands now if I'm a bit quieter than usual.

[panic_down_under]

I have an appointment with my counsellor on Saturday too so I'm hoping we can come up with some coping mechanisms.

Good! Learning ways of coping and reframing what is happening are important tools for getting on top of these disorders

I don't really like talking to people about my anxiety as I sometimes find it triggers me more (I'm a keep busy & get on with it kind of person, I don't like people seeing me as weak or not "normal" I guess??).

I'm the same way. Though it isn't always a good thing. Sometimes talking helps, even if only by helping to organise one's thoughts. Plus those who know us may see things we've missed.

[Overwhelmed]

I met with my counsellor yesterday & I felt like it was really productive. I think talking to somebody outside of the situation helps me to rationalise things.

We talked about how me growing up with an autistic brother & a family who always praised me for being "good" & "brainy" led to me making a lot of my own decisions in life and also completely fearing making mistakes.

I've landed myself in a few situations in the past where I haven't necessarily made the right decisions for me (i.e. moving to uni, taking on a job I really didn't enjoy) but rather than saying its not for me & I've made a mistake, I've felt stuck in the situation & only left after getting to the point of breakdown (quite literally).

Now this has ingrained an innate fear of making wrong decisions & feeling trapped, so any negative feedback from my fiancé immediately triggers this fear & my brain tells me "Quick! You must escape this situation before you get trapped & have another breakdown!". Hence ROCD kicking in.

We also talked about my black & white thinking and catastrophising. She's given me some strategies for when I get triggered, such as take myself off to another room, naming 5 things I can see in front of me and play relaxing music until my brain comes down to it's rational self again.

I'll be moving up to 15mg of my medication this evening.

[panic_down_under]

We also talked about my black & white thinking and catastrophising. She's given me some strategies for when I get triggered, such as take myself off to another room, naming 5 things I can see in front of me and play relaxing music until my brain comes down to it's rational self again.

Sounds like a good strategy.

I'll be moving up to 15mg of my medication this evening.

Cool. From what you've posted you seem to be reasonably comfortable on 12.5mg in which case I wouldn't expect much change in side-effects after the increase.