Current Situation - Rock Bottom

[Fishmanpa]

This message has been deleted by Fishmanpa.
Reason: I don’t have anxiety, but enjoy going on anxiety forums to belittle people and tell them all how easy it is.

Let's see..... 1st heart attack due to a blockage in the 'widow maker'. Triple bypass. Veins taken from my leg and put into my chest. Heart surgeon pointing to the sky when asked how I survived. 2nd heart attack and triple stents. Then immediately after, diagnosed with Stage IVa H&N cancer. Lingual and palatine tonsils removed along with 23 additional nodes taken from my neck. 6 weeks of radiation and chemo. 50% chance of survival and reoccurrence. Depression and physical side effects to this day. A daughter that suffers with extreme depression and anxiety and has attempted suicide. So yeah, I don't know about handling mental challenges


Top that off with living paycheck to paycheck, bankruptcy, living off Raman and 'you guess what's in it' frankfurters and battling back from being nearly homeless to where I'm at now. I surely don't know what it's like to struggle and worry. There's a big difference between ridiculing someone and pointing out reality. There's also a big difference between those that fight back and those that sit back and bitch about life challenges on an internet forum.

Thank you for affirming the point I made in your other thread. I truly and sincerely hope you find a way to enjoy your life.

FMP

[LittleLionMan]

I know you’ve had plenty of real life troubles, and like I had said before, I applaud you for how you’ve come through them.

Your replies to me, however, aren’t helpful, they are just intended to ridicule me, and normally when I’m at my lowest. I do fight back, with everything I’ve got, but at the moment it isn’t proving enough, and I’m losing the battle, badly, which is why I just don’t need any more mocking or belittling.

[Fishmanpa]

That's your perception and mindset and it's skewed at best. The point I'm making that you can't see is that reassurance seeking isn't helpful and hasn't helped you in the least. Even this thread, which is just a continuation of your other thread, is just more of the same. One need only read a page or so of the other thread to see the pattern. And now, being that the participation on the forum is down to a handful of members, that little bit of reassurance you are getting will soon dry up as well. As was said on another thread by a long time member, the people who are trying to help are getting burned out and have their own issues to deal with. It truly comes down to you.

Anyway

FMP

[LittleLionMan]

I absolutely get that. I really do. It’s also me desperately trying figure a way out of this which is actually the problem, I think.

The reason I’m being so needy is because I feel like I’m in a race against the clock now. As much as I’m trying to force food down me, I can’t eat enough food to gain weight, but I’ve already lost 3 stone and am just skin and bone now, so I can’t afford to lose any more (which I am doing). I’m a big 6’ tall bloke and am down to 9 stone 13lbs.
I’ve also never been lower mood wise, and am struggling to find the strength to keep doing this day after day. In my head, one of these things is going to kill me unless I turn this around quickly, so I’m panicking about it all.

You’re right that in an ideal world, I would just shrug my shoulders, lighten up, get some food down me, stop mentioning it, and all this would just slowly blow over, but it isn’t as simple as that. I have my hour a week with my psychologist, then apart from that, it’s just me, left wrestling with myself in my own (evil) head.

I get exactly what you are saying, I really do, but it’s not as easy as you seem to think it is when you are anxious all day every day, and have to fight to do anything that I think might help me.

I know you don’t think so, but I do try mate, ridiculously hard, harder than you will ever know or appreciate. I wouldn’t still be alive if I didn’t.

* I know you will see that as just more moaning, but I was just explaining why I am being so needy, and am feeling so lost at the moment.

[Catkins]

I've had a thought PHR, I get the impression that money isn't an issue for you (I don't know if I'm right in that assumption) but have you considered paying to go into a private facility as an inpatient? NHS mental health wards can be tough, but a private one might be quite different? They could support you find a medication that is right for you, provide therapy and get you to a place where you could be on an even keel and start living a more satisfying life. I'm not saying you need to be 'put away' but I know when I was at my worst if I'd had the money I would have tried anything and even considered going into a private clinic.

As it was, I didn't have the money to do a lot of things but I did pay for private counselling (and still do), I did the NHS CBT that was offered, I took the pills that were suggested (paroxetine, promethazine and propanolol), I forced myself to get showered and dressed by a certain time in the morning, I did the guided meditation, I took up yoga, I set myself small tasks to do throughout the day. The hardest thing is trying not to think your way out of it, for me it was more doing the combination of things rather than just thinking - my brain was my worst enemy at that point.

FMP can be quite blunt at times and in all honesty at one point he basically told me to get my head out of my arse, but I did need to hear it. This site is incredibly supportive and I've found it invaluable, but you really need to put in the work at getting well and staying well yourself.

I don't know if any of what I've said is useful, I hope it is, there's no quick fix, but little steps each day,

[LittleLionMan]

I have looked before, but I’m agoraphobic, I don’t even know how an inpatient treatment would work really. The Priory is 40 miles away from me. I’m going to spend some time tomorrow trying to find the right help for myself.

‘The hardest thing is trying not to think your way out of it’ - this is my biggest issue, by far!

Haha, I’m fine with blunt, blunt I can handle.

No, it’s helpful, I’ve just got to come up with a bit of a plan, somehow.

[LittleLionMan]

I like the idea of creating a list of tasks for the day, I’m going to start with the basics and try and grow it a bit. See if I can.

[LittleLionMan]

Quick question, anyone know why my anxiety would get even worse after I’ve eaten?

I’m forcing plenty of food down me now, and I’m not scared of eating for any reason that I’m aware of, but my anxiety always goes through the roof 20 minutes to half an hour after I’ve eaten and stays like it for ages?

[BlueIris]

Blood sugar spike, happens to me sometimes.

[LittleLionMan]

Reckon that’s enough?

It’s really bloody annoying.