Fear of swallowing/Endoscopy this week

[SarahNM76]

Oh that's good about the blood test results. That's one worry off your mind. At least they've mentioned the hydration so if you can work on that then the next ones will be normal I'd imagine. Shall you choose sedation for the endo?
My reflux has been a lot better since this swallowing thing started. It was bad over Christmas when I was eating rubbish so I wonder if that bought this on.
I have the same thoughts about if I'll ever be able to eat normally again or go out for a meal etc. I remember when I was recovering from it before and I'd sit in a restaurant but would sit where I wasn't facing anyone then I'd end up putting quite a but of my food on my partners plate. The waiter would be hovering round to take my plate and I was still chewing away.
I snapped at my partner last week because he said well you've eaten your dinner so see it as an achievement. I'd only had 1 round of beans on toast and it took ages. I said yes I've eaten it but i didn't enjoy it then started asking how he'd like it if he was going through this and how tiring and frustrating it is..I suppose I should see it as an achievement but I just want to be able to eat and think 'oh that wasn't too bad, I feel like things are improving'.
I just had a banana and it took me half an hour. I looked at myself on the mirror while I was eating it and I actually looked tense like my lips were pushed together tightly. Now my jaw aches. I don't think bananas are the best texture though are they. It's like chocolate I keep trying to eat that but it seems to make my saliva thick and then I'm sat there thinking I don't feel like I can swallow this but I don't want to get into the habit of spitting things out. Sweets like Skittles do the same
We definitely keep trying don't we so we'll get there!! Xx

[SarahNM76]

Bananas aren't the best texture I mean

[SarahNM76]

Thats exactly what it is. We're focusing on it way too much but how do we stop 🤔 Sometimes I'm just sat there like a cow chewing on grass as if I'm chewing just for the sake of it because there's barely anything left on my mouth but at the same time it's as if my throat won't work to let me swallow naturally. Sometimes if I feel food go to the back of my throat before I'm ready I kind of blow it away with my throat and make a kind of quuuu noise..If that makes sense.

Oh bloody hell I don't know what you can have for your meal tonight. It's foods that you can pick at really isn't it rather than a bigger meal where you might feel overwhelmed. How about taking a little tupperware box out with you so you can (hide how much you've left) bring some of the food home.
I've got it in my head that I'll have the sedation. I'm very medication phobic though, that's why I'm not on any anxiety meds but I'm starting to think that I might need to have some soon xx

[SarahNM76]

Just got back from the blood test. My partner took me and I felt so lightheaded when I got out of the car but plodded on with my jelly legs. I told the woman about the swallowing 🙄 and the first thing she said was is it stress?? I mentioned about the endo and she said her mum had one and they give the results there and then which I had heard anyway. She also said that she's almost always got acid reflux and has done for years because I'm worrying about my years of reflux.

I know what you mean about wanting something substantial. I feel so hungry and thirsty but even that doesn't make me able to wolf anything down. I drove past a man jogging the other day while drinking out of a bottle and I just thought how the hell does he do that..The answer probably is that he wasn''t thinking about it.

I was taking propranolol last year for a few weeks but it made me become obsessed with checking my heart rate and blood pressure which I still do now which doesn't help the anxiety either...We're our own worst enemies at times aren't we. I'm thinking about going on antidepressants when I can swallow them ffs. The doctor prescribed me some sertraline but I read online reviews and saw some saying about side effects so they're still in the pharmacy bag. Surely the side effects can't be as bad as this though.

You're not the only one who feels like they look a funny colour. I feel like my eyes look heavy and my face looks pale. I look stressed, tired and sad. I feel like I've aged 10 years in a few weeks.

Hopefully your meal out won't be as bad as you think it will be. All you can do is try and at least it's only you and your boyfriend and he understands what it's like for you xx

[SarahNM76]

Your therapist sounds very energetic 😂 I can see how doing all that would help because it's making us focus on doing something, burning off excess energy and making us feel powerful rather than us just looking at our food and dreading it. Was the bread easy to eat? How was your meal out? X

[SarahNM76]

That's really good that you managed to eat most of the meal. Did you find that you ate quicker when you were out? I chew soup too. I actually really struggle with soup but I do the same and shoot it to the back of my mouth but then sometimes I can feel it hovering in the back of my throat so have a bit of a panic. Being tense and anxious doesn't help at all though does it but its hard not to be when you know how much of a struggle eating a meal can be.

Yes the endo is at 13.50 today so I'm nil by mouth now apart from sips of water. I'm so nervous and I know a lot of people would be but when you suffer with anxiety anyway its just like stress on top of stress isn't it

[SarahNM76]

Maybe being in an environment where other people were eating helped....Plus the cocktail!🍹You did really well though considering how hard its been lately.
We just need to build our confidence up don't we instead of feeling full of dread and being over cautious. Easier said than done I know.

I get where my teeth, jaws and temples ache sometimes and I've also had a couple of days where I had those tiny ulcer things on the tip of my tongue. I bought some vitamin spray after you suggested it but I haven't used it yet. Going to wait until after this endo.
I'm on pins honestly and have that feeling where your whole body seems to be tingling with nerves. I feel so hungry as well. I had a bowl of cheerios and half a round of toast this morning. I could only eat until 7.50 but there I was at 7.58 still chewing the frigging toast. I can have clear liquids now until 11.50 so I'm sipping on black coffee or water.

Thank you ♥️ xx

[jojo2316]

How did yours improve Jojo? X

I cant tell you because i am currently in the middle of a new swallowing obsession. I feel like it hurts a bit when i swallow food and this is frightening me. I had a clear endoscopy about a month ago so i am trying to convince myself they would have spotted throat cancer at that but im still managing to worry. Swallowing obsessions are terrible because you avoid eating and then you lose weight and then that feeds the silly dragon!!!

[SarahNM76]

Well I've had it done, kind of! I was here for 2 hours before they did it and I had the sedation. But not the throat spray. They couldn't complete the whole thing because I was heaving quite a lot. I'm not sure if they're going to get me to have another one at a later date. I haven't had the report back yet but they have mentioned a hiatus hernia.
I feel a bit woozy now but wanted to let you know how it went x

[jojo2316]

Maybe a hiatus hernia explains your symptoms??