Blood...had this for ages ..I'm so scared

[Panic-stricken]

I have a history of piles from my 20's I'm now 62 and have not had a colonoscopy since I was 25.
I bleed on a regular basis, several times a month on the paper and sometimes on the side of a poo or even dripping into the bowl.
I have a crippling hospital/health anxiety and I'm absolutely terrified to have a colonoscopy mainly in case it reveals something bad or if I need further treatment.
I've been upping my fibre intake and eating two kiwi every day (sick of them!) for the last two weeks, sometimes it helps but I'm still mostly constipated, I also have an autoimmune issue that doesn't help with constipation.
I know I should get checked out but I'm petrified.
I've had the bleeding and and off for years now, because I'm older I suppose that's worrying me too. I am in such a state!!
Thanks for reading if you are still with me!!

[jojo2316]

So what would make you feel better? The bleeding probably won’t stop because you have such a long history with piles. So i guess your options are making peace with it or having a colonoscopy. The fear of it will certainly be worse than the reality. I had one last month. It was not so bad!

[Panic-stricken]

Thanks for you reply.
I need peace of mind and I know there's only one way to get that but the thought terrifies me, I think both the procedure and the fear of what they may find as I'm sure my insides will be such a state.
My fear is a polyp that's developed into something else.

[jojo2316]

Do you have any reason to suspect anything sinister? The overwhelming likelihood is you are perfectly healthy. You might have a polyp…. They are so common…. But i think a colonoscopy will give you some much needed peace of mind and also help you address your phobia of hospitals….

[Panic-stricken]

No other symptoms, on the days when the Bristol scale is normal, (which is very rare for me) however it's mostly 1 on the scale and that's when it happens, I dread going to the loo and fear checking the paper after.
I just want it you stop..I hate living in fear yet to get to that place of safety I've got to get over a massive barrier.