My marriage is crumbling.

[swgrl09]

Hi everybody,

I'm back. It's been a while since I have been a regular but I might need some support soon. Over the past 6+ years, I had a baby, excelled in my career, got promoted a few times, and it all sounds so good, right? Earlier this year I made the leap and left my full-time gig to develop my own private psychotherapy practice. It's going really well and I am proud of myself. I am doing work that makes me feel good and I feel like I have control over my schedule much more than I used to. So my career is actually going great, which was a big stressor in the past.

My personal life is a mess - mostly my marriage. I did intense EMDR treatment over the past year that forced me to wake up to some bad things that were happening in my marriage. I'll spare all the dirty laundry details but it's been really hard. I have asked my spouse to get therapy for a long time and he never did. He finally went kicking and screaming (not literally but more or less) about a month ago but it might be too little too late sadly. His moods are awful. It's so tense in the house. He takes out his moods on everybody. Yesterday things escalated more. My poor daughter, who is 6, last night said "Daddy why don't you like me?" Because he was being so controlling and rude to her while they were doing an art project. My heart was broken. Last night I kept asking for space and he kept finding ways to suck me back in and it felt very manipulative. Today I'm just feeling hopeless about this getting better. I'm sad and hurt. We've been together 16 years. I feel stupid that I didn't see this sooner. I think I was checked out throughout a lot of the marriage.

I guess I'm just a ball of nerves over how things will be, how tense the home is. He is away for a few days now which is good. I am more convinced though that I need to do something so my daughter isn't constantly in this environment. I worry if we are separated though she will have several days with him without me there and I feel scared about that He would never physically harm her but the moodiness is off the charts. He takes everything personally and takes it out on everybody. Please give me some hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I'd be in this position.

Thank you

[Carnation]

Big hug swgrl

It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out and reveal such intimate details.
Does your hubby drink alcohol by any chance?
And does he have past trauma?
I know your priority is the calm your daughter needs and obviously for you too, but when you say 16 years, there's obviously something a miss here with your hubby's behaviour otherwise you wouldn't have stayed together so long and had a child together.
It's great what you have achieved personally but obviously your marriage needs to dealt with and that's not going to be easy.
Although we won't be able to sway you in any direction, we can listen and give you support.
But I'm inclined to think there's something more going on with hubby and it's not necessarily anything to do with you or your daughter but something is making him this way.

[swgrl09]

Thank you so much, Carnation. He doesn’t drink really. He did dry January (only drank once a week before that) and just didn’t really go back to it. I think this has been building since our daughter was born. Before he never handled emotions well but our life wasn’t very stressful. I also just shut down a lot and pushed things under the surface. Over the past year I have learned to speak up and set boundaries and he seems to be reacting poorly to that … and now our daughter is opinionated and he is surprisingly more controlling than I expected before she was born. It’s like having a kid flipped a switch and while she got older he was not working on himself. We tried couples therapy but he stopped engaging in it so I just did my own therapy for the past year.

[Carnation]

The fact that he tried couples therapy is a good sign. If he will give any therapy a go it shows he knows there are issues and that's a good start. It's obvious he needs some kind of help but what to do in the meantime.
I don't know your life and daily routine but changes need to made.
Is there a family member, friend that can be of any support to you?
Of course you can have support here but I'm thinking of more hands on support to be around.

I asked about the drinking because as a child I had some issues with my father (similar).
I learnt later that the drink was a crutch and the real issue was a weight of heavy responsibility and some grief between another family member. I just happened to be there.

The controlling is probably a sign of insecurity. Maybe he's always been this way and it's grown.
Maybe you haven't seen it so clearly as you do now but it's something that needs to be addressed and dealt with.
I'm assuming you don't want to split but at the same time you don't want this situation ongoing or to worsen so your hubby has to be prepared to deal with any demons he has before love turns to hatred.
I'm not saying you need this but it would be wise to have a place you could go to if the situation became too uncomfortable. Maybe a friend's place.
This is all assumptions as I don't know your full situation or how difficult it is for you.

[swgrl09]

I think he does have a lot of shame. He takes things extremely personally and can get defensive. Before our daughter, it wasn't as much of an issue because we didn't really argue too much. But he does things like get frustrated with how she does a little art project if she doesn't follow the directions - she's 6! Let her have fun. But he feels like he is not being "listened to." I think this has been with him a lot but definitely has grown and he does not know how to handle his emotions at all.

I am glad he started therapy. I feel guilty though because at the same time I'm like ... I've been in therapy for most of my adult life and I suggested it to him so many times. Our couples therapist suggested it to him. I am tired of walking on eggshells and feeling like I'm doing so much of the emotional work for us. It just doesn't feel very fair. But I am really trying to stick it out and see how it goes now that he is actually meeting with somebody.

For my support ... I have family who are within a 30 minute drive. My aunt helps with meeting our daughter at the bus stop a lot when we are both tied up with work. She is here almost every week after school until I finish work. Nobody within our town though. So we'd have to drive a bit to get her to school if need be but it wouldn't be the end of the world necessarily. Just not ideal. I have a good friend who lives about 40 minutes away and my best friends live out of state.

Thank you for your support, just having a space to get it out is so helpful and know there are people listening.

[Carnation]

You are more than welcome swgrl
Pleased your hubby is having therapy sessions.

[swgrl09]

Thank you... I hope it helps. It just feels like my needs come last. He is very focused on himself primarily.

He is away on a trip with friends right now and I am home with our daughter. I tested positive for covid yesterday and haven't been feeling well. He's asked me how I am feeling maybe once in two days. If the tables were turned and I was away, I'd be checking in several times a day, asking how my daughter was as well, and would honestly most likely go home early. My sister sent us a care package of groceries, soup, and activities for my daughter which was nice, as I haven't always had the best relationship with her (or my other sister). But he has asked how I was feeling once and that was basically it. He also asked if I wanted him to come home but I don't feel comfortable making that call for him. If I said yes, he'd be complaining the whole time. Am I feeling frustrated for no reason?

[Carnation]

No, you are not, you have reasons for feeling frustrated and you stuck between the devil and deep blue sea.
Do what you think is best for you and your daughter.
I know you must be disappointed with only one phone call but when guys get together they lose all track of time, not that I'm making excuses for him. You may be right not asking him to come home if he might be a little grumpy, that's the last thing you need right now.
Are you able to reach him if you need to? Do you know where he is?