Today has been a real bad day.

I just came home today to a letter from the dept of work and pensions to say I have been awarded highest rate DLA. Initially I was chuffed as it means my financial mess since reducing working hours and being on half pay is sorted.
Then I got to thinking about it and what it really means. I have a recognizeable mental health condition that merits full DLA. It is for real. The dept of work and pensions recognise it, the doc, the therapist and the shrink all gave info for it so they all think I am solid gone too.

It comes on top of me having a crying spell with my mum today telling her that I really think I can't manage to return to work this time, I really don't. Not because of my bi polar, but because of my anxiety. The two are closely intertwined though. I have this picture in my head of trying to return to work on the 6th Jan and literally not making it through the door. I won't ask for more time off as it will not help but I really do think I am about to lose my job and/or plot.

I told my therapy group today something that I don't want to repeat but it was really hard for me to say and now that it is out in the open, I feel dreadful, sick and guilty. I also told them that I think it is a matter of time before I lose my children. Whether literally cos of me being ill and doing stupid stuff and social services taking them away, my hubby leaving with them cos my behaviour is too much for him to cope with, emotionally cos I push them away with my erratic behaviour, through death.....I just think it is a matter of time. I could see the shock and sadness for me register on their faces but I was being honest...it is what I believe.

Sorry for all this negativity. I know I have been doing so well, but I am coming down now. I have been on a slight high (BP term...hypomania....mania.... but not bad just increased energy and drive) for the past while. I am not in the depths of despair or anything, but I am getting scared by my increase in bad thoughts (BP term mixed episodes or rapid cycling) I am scared of the gap in no therapy over the break but I do have a CPN coming.

I feel like I am disappointing you all. I am still determined to get better but I don't know if I can do it on determination alone.
I really really really want to go get drunk (BP term....self medicating) but I am not going to (today)

Happyone
xxx