things have been hard for some time now - then bf broke up with me (+ I'm relieved!) 2 wks ago and it's made me really sit up and realize just HOW MUCH I have let myself become isolated from the rest of the world -

Before, I could get away with thinking of myself as a "loner" -
now I can see that's a bunch of crap -

What's the definition of Agoraphobia?
I have to go look it up somewhere -
I'm pretty sure that I fit -

I am so lonely that I can hardly stand it any more - but the thing is that I don't think I really LIKE people to begin with - wouldn't I have some in my life if I did?

I don't work and so there's usually no reason for me to go out of the house - and there's no one to talk to

when it gets REALLY bad, I call one of the "Crisis Hotlines" and just hearing someone TALK to me is such a relief -
except for last time when they put me on hold so they could answer another line - (truth)

This last month, I have been TRYING SO HARD - to take a bath on a regualr basis, to clean this tiny apartment on a regular basis, to make sure I get to my pdoc and therapist appointments -

It has been SO hard and I can't see any preogress at all -
I smell better but the apt. is still a mess,- I've missed alot appointments with therapist cuz of the holidays -

Have been skipping out of my AA meetings - cuz as much as I want to be around people, I just don't care

I hurt so much and things are piling up on me + I can't make it all stop

I could cope with BF breaking up with me but then to find out he's now seeing THE ONE PERSON I thought was my friend?

I don't know where I'm going with this - I'm just at the end of my rope -

It has hurt for SO LONG now and I just really expected more INSTANT RESULTS once I started REALLY REALLY TRYING + WORKING -

nothing

what a fool