To be truthful I think this is a tricky subject so I’m really not entirely sure whether what I say in this post is right or not. I’m Not qualified as a professional so I’m honestly not sure what they’d make of my views on this. I do though feel fairly sure about the causes as I’ve experienced them myself but as regards dealing with the consequences of them I’m just not sure. Anyway, it may provide some insight as to why we’re like we are but I would be interested to hear from anyone receiving therapy so I know if I’m talking rubbish here or not!
Anyway, this is what I think-
We often have a shy, quiet, sensitive nature which makes us “feel” things more than others and I suspect this is connected to our insecurity because we’re in touch with our emotions, aware of how others feel and how they interact with us. This means we are often very caring and have a great sense of empathy hence why a lot of people on here work in the caring professions. However, because we “feel” so much within ourselves and towards others, we’re also vulnerable to feeling life’s hurts and pain.
We’re also often intense, making us deep thinkers and this together with our insecurity creates “worry” so we constantly doubt ourselves creating a lack of self belief and our lack of confidence. These then lead to our anxieties through our vulnerability to fear. When we experience fear, we worry and doubt our abilities. We lose any confidence we had and spiral down to despair and a sense of hopelessness. We become surrounded by negativity within us, in our approach to everything around us, in everything that interacts with us and in all that is said to us by others. We turn in on ourselves and keep ourselves locked in fear.
Throughout our lives we are exposed to both good and bad events but because our worry creates negative thinking, we focus much more on the bad things that affect us. The hurt and pain we experience become absorbed within us but we feel unable to release these feelings because we become used to being the “victim”. We have low self esteem so have a low opinion of ourselves. We prefer to avoid confrontation because of the hurt it creates in us and the pain we feel as a consequence. It goes against our nature. We doubt ourselves thinking we must be to blame so don’t look for blame in others. We become used to being controlled by others and therefore used. We become so used to being used that we come to expect the same treatment from everyone new we meet.
Over time the feelings of hurt and pain build up within us until we can’t take anymore. We look to be attacked in everything others say and do, which means we often misinterpret what they really mean because we’re looking at what they say in a negative way. This means that if someone says something that touches a nerve, we zap them without thinking their comment may have been made in all innocence. We then end up apologising for exploding but beat ourselves up for hurting them because we feel so guilty when it was our programming talking and not us so it wasn’t our fault.
The hurt and pain that’s built up within us preys on our sensitivity making us even more sensitive. Without a release it causes bitterness and resentment. We become angry with the world and this anger is then released when we feel attacked, when a nerve is touched, when we feel frustration and in our lack of patience etc because we have a constant feeling of irritability.
However, these feelings also build up to create anxiety within us because we feel under constant “emotional stress”. Sometimes added stresses at work or at home can tip the balance to a feeling of nervous exhaustion because we can’t take anymore stress. We then think to ourselves why we can’t cope like others, why are we so weak compared to them, why aren’t we as capable etc and so the cycle of anxiety with a depressed state continues.
All the anxieties, the hurt and pain need to be released but in a positive way. This is where counsellors, therapist etc can help to unlock all those trapped feelings. Yes, we need to confront our fears to build our confidence and do things to make us feel proud of ourselves to build our self esteem but the anger within us also has to be dealt with.
We have to learn to release our emotions. Instead of self harming, we need to release our anger in a cushion or pillow and learn to love ourselves regardless of what others think of us reminding ourselves to just accept what they think of us as just their opinion which is of no importance as we know ourselves that the fault lies with them and not us. We need to become assertive with no self doubt, knowing that we are in the right and to stand up to those inflicting us pain without us feeling any guilt as a consequence. We have to believe in ourselves that we should be treated as an equal. We need to learn to love ourselves for the good that exists in us.
However, learning to release anger in the present is one thing but releasing anger from the past can’t be dealt with in the same way because the events in which they occurred have long since gone but the emotional stress still exists within us so we can either dwell on all the bad events, focussing on them, constantly reliving the hurt that we felt and keeping our pain alive in the present or we can deal with them by learning to accept that those events can’t be changed, to come to terms with them and to not allow them to stop us living once more.
There’s an old saying “there’s no point crying over spilt milk”. By letting the past affect our present, we are constantly crying and reliving the pain of the past. This emotional stress Has to be dealt with so that we can come to terms and accept it as past experiences but I feel if we can understand the causes that make us the way we are then this understanding will help us to deal with the issues preventing us from moving forward.
We need to learn a new positive approach, to become stronger and more self confident to be less sensitive towards future hurt so we can deal with pain better. We need to learn patience and ways to relax, to remember to not be so intense and not dwell on negative thoughts. We need to teach ourselves that good and bad events will always happen but we need to focus on the good and not dwell on the bad. We need to learn to accept life for what it is and not allow ourselves to store pain for it to create anxiety and drag us down ach time. We need to learn not to hold “grudges” and suffer in silence but we also need to learn that saying how we feel is “ok” so that we don’t dwell on bad events and so are able to move on. We need to learn not to be so intense and to not think deeply about negative thoughts but look for the good within us and that exists around us.
However, the simple most effective method I can think of is by receiving “lots of comfort and hugs” If you can get them but that means relying on others rather than helping ourselves to be stronger from within…and I don’t believe counsellors provide these…I wish!!! I can remember when I lost my father how desperately alone and panic stricken I felt. All I could think of was where would I get the comfort I needed and all I could think of was to ask the volunteer who had taken me to see him for the last time. That was all I received and ever since then I’ve turned my attention to supporting my mother.
Anyway, with every negative thought, replace it with a positive thought. They say through surviving our bad experiences, the stronger the person we become. As we do with a book, we can either keep replaying the past in our memories and keep reliving the pain we felt at the time or deal with the memories as being the past so we can come to terms and are able to move on with the future with a new positive approach to living our lives.
As I said in the beginning, I’m honestly not sure how a counsellor or therapist would actually help someone to deal with past emotional stress so I can only speak on what’s helped me to overcome my hurts and pains. I would therefore be interested to hear from anyone who is being treated for this so I can learn from them. Thank you.
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