night after night after night of nighmares

[ade]

the intensity of my nightly nightmares has become too much too bear.i am going through 3 sets of clothes per night,waking up with sweat pouring off me,screaming tinitus in my ears and the most disgusting taste of the rapes i suffered as a boy in my throat.last nights were just astonishing.a scene out of joy divisions closer album cover.a scene in grey stone,of my late father,dead but still thrashing in agony which undermines my view that his death was the end to his suffering.i try to scream out but whilst i mouth the words "god help me" nothing comes out.in the nighmares about being raped (by a paedophile ring ,not a family member) as they anihilate me i become smaller as they become bigger until i am thrashed into nothing.eventually,on the 2nd or 3rd of the night i do manage to scream and kick out.i awake abruptly in utter despair.sodden and exhausted,with a giant day ahead of me to cope with.i feel that i will never be clean again.then the polar opposite happens during the day.i wander alone in the house and absolutely sob,weeping as a 4 year old boy,the age at which it started.actually saying words that are memories from the abuse,"mummy im cold" " i want to go home now" i know it sounds pathetic but it is genuine.things lying around the house,like toys or pictures of my children deepen the distress as they accentuate the beautiful innocence of my beloveds and thus reinforce what was utterly destroyed.
in the here and now,life is wonderful.i am very,very happily married with 2 exquisite girls and we have recently moved into a lovely house with lovely neighbours.i am a director of a successful recording studio business and work as a composer for film,dance and commercials.
and this illustrates the damage that child abuse does,because despite
all this i am still plagued by these dreams each night.i carry on,i carry out my family duties with a smile but a very heavy heart and soul.

sorry for such defeated tones,i am going into hospital soon and by the love of the beautiful stars i will not let those *******s win,for the love of my family i will not give in.
i love them with every atom in my soul and they will be cherished forever
as i have said before,they were made of love and loved they will be

[margaret911]

Sending you lots of hugs Ade
love Mags xxxx

[bottleblond]

Ade,

I have spoken to this Ade, the boy Ade and the man Ade!.
I am so so sorry that your nightmares and flashbacks have not left you hun and i'm really sorry to hear that your going through a very difficult time at the moment, but rest assure.....you do what ever it takes to get you back on track and i rest assure that we will always be here to love and support you through your hard times!

Ade you have a good support circle here at NMP, and i for one am very fond of you indeed!!

Love and hugs to you mate

Lisa
xxxx

[Meg]

Ade,

We've learnt quite a lot about nightmares recently. Just maybe our experiences of similar nightmares may be able to help you a bit.

We found nightmares only kicked in after 40 mins of sleep so by waking at 30 mins, taking a moment to come round and resettling and by doing several of those in an morning/evening it could provide enough sleep to get a break from the relentless nightmare. Usually one nightmare a night was enough to cope with, so learnt to survive on very little.

Initially there were 5-7 reoccurring nightmares that went round and round but we discovered that by using CBT techniques and really sieveing through the detail and re thinking the events from a new perspective, these could be purged and vanished. Most people find they need a therapist to help with this but in some cases where talking about events would make it worse, then it is possible we found, to go it alone with good results.

In our experiences the nightmares were real life events that presented as a series. Sleep 1 would have episode 1 , sleep 2 would have episode 1 and 2 , sleep 3 would have episodes 1-3 etc until it was over and having CBT'ed the event, the nightmare left not to return. Some took a week, some 2 months but over time there were other differences, the reliving by actions stopped, the shouting out stopped, the restlessness stopped until there was 'just' the nightmare left.

Recently suddenly, we had nearly a month of total peaceful sleep - many many hours each night. Wonderful !! It didn't last forever, it was as if the brain had been searching for the next one and finally found it, but we have increasingly high hopes that in time the breaks between nightmares will increase to become the norm for the majority of time and then permenently.

There is also EMDR available but go carefully and ask lots of questions prior to treatments if you are dealing with multiple trauma as I understand that it is far more sucessful for single event trauma than multiple.

With hospitals we have always stayed 24/7 and secured a side room. Occasionally I have had to explain why and I go straight to the senior sister and it always meets a sympathetic ear which have been translated into actions.

I do wish you all the very best in your quest to heal, it's a tremendously rough path but I do believe the hard work of memory and CBT pays off.

[Paddington]

Hi Ade,just wanted to send you a warm hug..you are a wonderful man ..and i hope all meg's advice helps you Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lynnann]

Hi Ade,

Nightmares, plague us both, I am here for you in any way I can be, I wish only good things for you and your family. Remember it was not your fault, you were innocent, not to blame and take heart in the fact you are a good person.

HUGS to YOU

Lynnann

[sulmare]

am so sorry

[I am Able]

Ade,

My heart goes out to you.
I understand how PTSD is like living through a debilitating ground hog day.
I truely hope that you recieve as much support as you need.

Sincerely,
I am Able (You are too!)

[JulieAs45]

Ade

I know we've had talked about your nightmares before and I'm so sorry hun that you are still so tortured by them.

I don't know how to make you feel better and I wish I did. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all the hurt and pain away from you.

You are the most amazing person Ade, despite all the trauma you have been thru you still manage to care so much about other people. You have helped me loads in the past and I thank you for that.

I can't do much to ease your pain but hug you lots and tell you you are trully loved by so many people.

Take care hun and keep strong.

Julie

[chalky]

Hi Ade,



I would just like to echo the sentiments expressed by Julie.
Best wishes,
Chalky