Going Back To Work

[fionag1710]

Hi, im new to the site today but glad ive found a place where there are more people like me!
Ive been off work for a year now, basically ive always been a worrying type of person but its never really controlled me, then after my 2nd pregnancy I went slightly mental and was diagnosed with OCD. Personally I dont think it was ever OCD its just anxiety about everything!
I went through a bad divorce and then an assault and my life just fell apart at the seams, my boss didnt believe me about the assault, he fired me which made me believe I was to blame for it all and made me even worse. I had a couple of jobs after that but just couldnt hold them down, anytime someone criticised me i took it right to heart and thought yep they're right im useless i do everything wrong etc etc. and the self loathing got so bad i started self harming a lot, doing drugs, drinking and trying to commit suicide, not a good time for me at all. Im finally back on track and dont take my antidepressants anymore, been off them for 6 months now, no drugs (and dont plan on ever taking them again) i only drink when i go out, maybe once a month and its fine, i cope well with it (used to break down in tears a lot or become violent on alcohol) and I havent cut myself or attempted suicide for 6 months now. Ive been booked in for NHS counselling starting in Feb and hopefully this will 'fix' the rest of me and boost my confidence.
But although I feel a lot better and Im working myself up to thinking about applying for jobs again , the same thought paralyses me with fear. What if I cant cope with a job? what if my boss is the same as the guy who fired me? what if they dont care and just sack me if i have a relapse? could i cope with the rejection again? what if im terrible at my job? what if no-one likes me? all these thoughts are racing through my brain all the time and its making me really panicky and anxious, ive been in tears to my boyfriend about it 3 nights this week and I havent even had an interview yet!
Has anyone else been through this?

[NewDawnFades]

Dear Fiona,

Hi, Welcome to the community! I just finished reading your post, and have been given a clear picture with what you have dealt with. I can't say that I have been exactly through everything that you have here, but there are a great many parallels that I can relate to, for sure.

I could pull a large amount of experiences that I have had for examples, but I will save you from the boredom. LOL...So instead, I will point out something that many people who struggle with similar experiences, sometimes forget.

If you were to step outside yourself for a minute, and go back to your post and read all of the tough and difficult times that you've been through, I think that you would agree that the person who wrote that has to be strong. If this was not the case, then they would not have made it this far in their life. Unfortunately, I have seen many of my family members and friends choose an irreversible path when life became too much to handle. Like you, I tried to find ways to help ease the pain of the past by trying to escape, even if for just a little while. Only later would I realize, that I truly believe God has some plan for me here and that why would I want to stop running in the middle of this race called life. There is so much more to do...

I think it is perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling, especially with everything that you been through. At the same time, it is important to realize that you need to give yourself some credit here. The mere fact that you get up in the morning is a testament of strength. Everything that you accomplish beyond that, should be considered as "re-inforcements" for you. Using this fresh perspective will serve as the momentum needed to propel you through the blockades.

I understand the fear and anxiety very well. These are feelings that I experience everyday when I go to work, come home, or travel somewhere. But, none of these will be accomplished each day without making a simple choice...Either I choose to get it done, or I choose not to. When it comes down to it, it really is that simple.

This is not to say that it is easy or that there are other factors that can affect one's feelings, but in the end, it really does come down to logic. Having said this, I truly believe that as you start to apply for jobs again and pursue other interests, these feelings of fear will begin to subside. This is where you should give yourself not only the credit you deserve, but also patience as well.

That is important because you need to allow yourself time to make adjustments while moving forward. As far as the future job, boss and co-workers, you have some reticence from the previous experience. Very understandable, but that is why you should take time to do the research about a particular job that you are interested in. Talk to people who already work there to find out what the environment is like. That way, when you get the job, you will already know what the job entails, the boss's personality, and what kind of co-workers that are there. There is a hard line between knowing and not knowing, and will no doubt in my mind, make it so much easier for you.

I will end with re-itterating the point of "strength"... With the same strength that you used to defeat all of the rough times you have already been through, you will use the same strength to carry you towards locking on to everything that you want to accomplish in life, even during the toughest of times. Remember that you are strong...You have already proven that!!!

Please take good care of yourself and Stay Strong!!!


Sincerely,

David (NewDawnFades)

[sarajane]

David what a great post. I hear you, fantastic heart warming post.
SJ
XXXX

[louwilliams]

Fiona

I had to leave work last year due to this illness-i went down and down and decided that staying and hiding in the house was doing me more harm than good so I have decided to start looking for work. I have 2 children and I want to give them a better life than a mum who is in bed all day, who is too scared to go on school trips with them or take them on an aeroplane.

I have been through identical emotions to what you are going through now-BUT-I took the plunge and applied for 2 jobs in the last month. I decided to tell them EVERYTHING about my illness in the applications. The reason I did this is because i thought if i did get the job, i wouldnt want to be stressed about losing my job if i had a wobbly day. i thought "what can i lose?" if they dont like it they dont have to give me an interview. never the less, i had interview for both of them. the first one, 68 people applied for and 8 got interviews, i was one of the 8 and i got down to the final 2 (I didnt get it but hey, its their loss) the second one i have been for this afternoon and i find out tomorrow. if i dont get this one i will not lose heart and i will continue to apply and continue to tell them of my illness at the application form stage. someone will give me a chance, this i know and when they do, i will not have the extra worry of feeling that i have to hide inthe toilets everytime i feel bad.

all i can say is that if you really want to do this you can do it. it is your own decision to make and only when YOU are ready and no-one else.

Good luck and best wishes for WHEN you do return to work. I have every faith in you and your abilities.

Much love

Lou xxx

[peach]

hi!

i have a post just below this one about almost the same thing, ive done the interview, and am now fearing teh actual job...lolol....


youll see in my post i havent been able to work for 3 years...ughhh..lolol...and have kinda similar situation to you..without the babies tho...

i managed it ok, and so i think you will too...i think the important thing for you to do is.......dont think about it......hard to do i know, but best to try...just say to yourself- im just gonna do the best i can and thats all i can do...when i headed to the interview i thought to myself- if i have to run out, then i do, i can go for another job....i just tried really hard not to think about anything, and tried to just breathe, and enjoy my surroundings....

good luck, and let us know how you go- even if you do run from the interview (which im sure you wont) we will all still be so proud that you tried.....i just figure, you gotta keep trying eh?

[louwilliams]

I got the job by the way

I am quite apprehensive but its in a comfortable environment and a CPN is on hand just in case I get a bit wobbly. I went for it and got it and I feel that i've got a bit of confidence back now.

Good luck hun xxxxxxxxxxx