It's all a complete mess!

[maxine]

Hey all,

I don't know what to do, After 2 years of anxiety free my attacks are back with a vengance ( they have been for the last 6 months) i'm trying desperately to deal with them and do all the stuff you;re meant to do but honestly i just can;t take anymore of this i'm on the verge of breaking point.

Been to the doctors who put me on 20mg of Citalopram and 6mg of valium spread over the day, didn't make the slightest difference so she upped the Citalopram to 40mg and the Valium to 15mg again spread over the day that did ventually start making me feel better, so last time I saw her i said that i was feeling alot calmer and more relaxed than i had been so she decided to lower the dose to 20mg and the valium down to 10mg ( i don't mind her lowering the dose on the valium that's fine i don't really want to be on it for long anyway but since she's lowered the other meds i'm feeling crap again , i mean all of this was done in the space of 2 months and my body and mind doesn't know where it's going!

2 weeks ago i went to Disneyland Paris, paniced the whole way there but once i got there i was fine, had a nice weekend, got back and had my first appoinment the the mental health nurse woman as i'm terrified this is going to turn back into full blown agoraphobia, explained the situation to her and she doesn't agree with me being on any meds at all so not really much help!

I've been signed off by the doctor for the last 5 months and now work have sent me some thing asking my permission to access my medical records or " they will be forced into getting the information from other sorces" I don't want them to know everything that's going on i hand in my sick notes that's it, i'll return to work when i can.

I've got my next appoinment with both the doctor and the mental health woman on Thursday, doctors isn't sso much of an issue my other half will come with me but the MHW wants me to walk to the surgary on my own and i'm already panicing about it, I've tried a few "practise" runs to see how i felt and honestly the sheer panic had me heading for the hills.

I'm at a loss of what to do here, i am struggling to keep positive and maintain any form of normal life, any ideas or opinions would be appreicated.

Thank you

Maxine

[Lilith1980]

Hi Maxine

Sorry to hear you're not feeling so good at the moment.

Do you know what could have triggered these attacks off again? Had you been going through a particularly stressful period?

I think you've got to try and slow down hun. You're being too hard on yourself about this, you need to take one thing at a time. I know it cant be nice that the attacks have returned but you will sort this out hun. It might take time and not happen over night, or even within the next month, but it will get sorted out

That's a positive thing about the appointment with your GP and the MHW on Thursday. Is the Dr going to recommend you come off the meds do you think?

Have you managed to get to the surgery on your own in your practise runs? The mere fact that you are trying is testimont to your strength hun

And well done for going to Disneyland - even though you didnt feel great on the way there, you still got there! That's a fantastic achievement hun

Let us know how you get on at the GP surgery on Thursday, its a step in the right direction.

Jo xxxxx

[maxine]

Hiya Lilith,

Looking back i think because i got panic free i decided to do everything in the one go, working full-time, NVQ and driving lessons/test ( which i failed btw lol) I took way to much on in the one go and freaked myself out as i couldn't cope with doing everything.

I just so frustrated to be feeling like this agian and i think i'm starting to get depressed about it all too as my moods and all over the place.

I'm not sure about what the doctors going to do, i need to talk to her though because i just can't take anymore of this, I want my life back, this sucks lol

I have managed to get half way to the surgary on my practice runs and then freaked out and i know i'm going to be worse on the day as seeing her makes me all anxious anyway, i'm not even sure i'm going to make it to her!

I was pushed into Disneyland my other half wanted to go to New York for valentines day i told him i just couldn't cope with it so as a comprimise we drove from Torquay to Paris via ferry where i stood outside the whole time, freezing btw lol
Once i got there i was ok i even sat down and ate in a resturant which is a big thing for me at the minute and i did actually enjoy myself.
I guess that's why i was so p*ssed off about freaking out when i saw the MHW the tuesday after we got back i was thinking hang on i coped with Disneyland q's why am i freaking out now! grr it makes no sense.

We'll I've got the Doctors at 9:10 Thursday morning and the MHW at 2 pm so it's going to be a stressful day.

I may attempt another trial run to the surgery this afternoon with a bit of luck I'll actually get there!

Thanks for the reply hun x

[sheba2]

Hi Maxine.

I know exactly how you are feeling as I've had 4 bouts of panic/agorophobia in my life and I'm just coming out of the last episode which has lasted over 2 years. But please don't think oh my god that must mean it is inevitable that it will recurr for you or that every attack will be as bad as the last.

This time I have got through it without medication but I have had counselling. I have been fortunate that I don't need to go to work (although this has meant that I have perhaps given in too easily to the agorophobia) I think if I had to go to work I would definately have been on medication. Anti depressants take a good month to get into your system and most doctors that I have seen recommend you stay with them for at least 6 months. I think you are right in that your body doesn't know whether it is coming or going and I would discuss this with the doctor. I think we have to accept that it is trial and error with medication and dosage what works for one may not be sufficient for someone else.

In the past I have always had medication for my anxiety and although they definately calmed my system down and I was therefore able to lead a reasonably normal life they never cured the root cause of the anxiety. I always felt that it was lurking in the background waiting to spring up again whenever it felt like it. This time I have been badly agorophobic for 2 years and yet I have hung onto the belief that I needed to change the fundamental way I deal with everyday life as well as the more major ups and downs. I don't think looking back I have ever felt safe inside my own skin I was always waiting for something bad to happen and worried about how I would cope when it did. Each day was something that I managed to get through if I was lucky the panic was hardly noticeable but more often than not it was like going into battle several times a day and often I was defeated.

For the first time I have really looked at why I react the way I do and what my thought processes are. I am working really hard on changing the language I use inside my head. This is a slow process as I am undoing the habit of 52 years but I can honestly say that things are changing.

I suggest you have a good chat with your gp and if you feel that the nurse is being unsympathetic or unrealistic in her expectations then tell her so. There is a world of difference between encouragement and bullying either by an outsider or from within your own mind. With regards to your employer if you are on paid sick leave then you will probably be coming to the end of 6 months full pay. You will probably be put onto half pay but will then be able to claim some sickness benefit. I think your employer is legally entitled to the information he is asking for. We all want to keep our records free from certain things but unfortunately this is not possible and you need to look after yourself and your needs now. I hope this helps good luck

[Lilith1980]

Looking back i think because i got panic free i decided to do everything in the one go, working full-time, NVQ and driving lessons/test ( which i failed btw lol) I took way to much on in the one go and freaked myself out as i couldn't cope with doing everything.

I hear you there hun, I'm the same. I have a few good days or even weeks sometimes, and think I am ok and the anx has gone, so I throw myself into things but it normally ends up with me burning out and the anx coming back

I think you're doing so well with these practise runs. So you've got half way, maybe try for a bit more than halfway today, then three quarters tomorrow, then by Thursday you will only have that last quarter to go. You're doing so well

Jo xxxxx

[maxine]

Hi Sheba,

First of all thank you for your reply.

It's nice to know that someone else is/has delt with the same thing as me.

I do need to discuss with the doctor the situation with the medication my poor mind doesn't know what it's doing! I also was under the impression that meds take a while to kick in.

As for the counselling i was lucky in the sense that i didn't have to wait too long to see a Mental health nurse/counsellor I spoke candidly to the nurse and the first thing she asked was about my childhood, I explained that it was rough to say the least ) no father around, very volitile relationship with my mother, she found great pleasure in attacking me ) I ran away from home ect, and the cousellor said she thinks that's why i react in extremes to things I'm 24 now but i had spent 16 years having all these things happening to me that my mind reacts badly to any pressure and it's also why i think so negitively about everything.
Now i hate admitting it but i have spent the last 8 years of my life trying desperately to forget what the vile woman done to me and to admit that she has done lasting damage is something i'm finding hard to get my head around, i guess it's time i stop ignoring it and start dealing with it/her.

I will have to think about the medical records situation or at least discuss it with my GP i'm very uncomfortable with releasing that information but if i'm backed into a corner then i will have to i suppose.

Again thank you for your reply.

[sheba2]

Maxine just a quickie as I've got to go and collect little one from school in a min. (still difficult for me) Whatever happened in your past and it sounds as though it has been really hard, it will not have damaged you permanantly. It is probably influencing the way you deal with life now but you can change things for the future. I didn't have anything that difficult in my past and yet I have still chosen to panic over life. Mine stems from having a very protective mother who wrapped me in cotton wool one minute and then couldn't understand why I was scared of my own shadow. Plus I had quite a strict religious background and have always been desperately worried by authority and on no account was I allowed to be a nuisance. I could mention lots of other conflicting messages that I took on board but what I'm trying to say is that we can change the way we think but it does take time and when you are experiencing panic we want it to stop now. Will chat later as I really must go.

[maxine]

I hear you there hun, I'm the same. I have a few good days or even weeks sometimes, and think I am ok and the anx has gone, so I throw myself into things but it normally ends up with me burning out and the anx coming back

I think you're doing so well with these practise runs. So you've got half way, maybe try for a bit more than halfway today, then three quarters tomorrow, then by Thursday you will only have that last quarter to go. You're doing so well

Jo xxxxx

I just got back from my practice run and i made it further than last time but heck i chose the wrong time to go out with the little ens being picked up from school it's madness out there, what's with the crazy mums! lol

I really need to start taking better care of myself and not feeling like i need to do every little thing all the time, it's just hard doing something relaxing lol

Maxine just a quickie as I've got to go and collect little one from school in a min. (still difficult for me) Whatever happened in your past and it sounds as though it has been really hard, it will not have damaged you permanantly. It is probably influencing the way you deal with life now but you can change things for the future. I didn't have anything that difficult in my past and yet I have still chosen to panic over life. Mine stems from having a very protective mother who wrapped me in cotton wool one minute and then couldn't understand why I was scared of my own shadow. Plus I had quite a strict religious background and have always been desperately worried by authority and on no account was I allowed to be a nuisance. I could mention lots of other conflicting messages that I took on board but what I'm trying to say is that we can change the way we think but it does take time and when you are experiencing panic we want it to stop now. Will chat later as I really must go.

Ahh so you're one of the crazed mums i had to dodge on my practice run lol

I see what you are saying and it does seem like quite a few of us panicers have been influence by some sort of childhood stuff, i guess it's difficult to be a parent you know that! lol
I need to change how I think about things, i'm just not sure how to, does that make any sense?
I'm sure you're cooking tea and sorting out school uniforms at the moment so i'll keep an eye out for a reply when you have a spare second...if such a thing exsists being a mother! lol
Oh and can you do all panicy folk a favour next time you do the school run...don't swamp us with kids lol

[sheba2]

Hi Maxine. Yep I'm one of the crazies. Possibly the craziest as I have to use my car to travel about 100yds talk about security blanket. You are doing really well going out and trying to get to the docs. Maybe it might help if you stop seeing it as something yu have to do against all odds. Think of it more as just going out, difficult I know but it has helped me.

[maxine]

Well that was a complete waste of time! I had to cancel the doctors as i had no-one to go with me and then i went to the Mental health woman who said as she nor I can figure out what triggered my attacks again she can't help me ( apparently she's a talking therapist and doesn't think talking about it will help?!) and will be referring me to the " exposure" team who'll do some well exposure with me....I'm doing that on my own anyway! Hopeless!

I need to make another appointment with the doctors as i want off the Valium and need her to sort out my meds so i can cope but i can't make the appoinment yet as the bosses at my other halfs work haven't done the rotas yet.....although i did walk to and from the Mental health place on my own which is something at least.

Now what?