hi all, i could post this in any number of sections but i chose panic as that has prob been the driving force behind my experience with anxiety
im really posting this in the hope that somebody who is in the stage of thinking it will never end and are questioning their sanity will get some support and hope themselves, that yes it will end and no they arent crazy!!!!
my history goes back to about age 14, but the time when i thought i had fallen apart and would never find myself again happened after i had my daughter in 1998. i stopped breasfeeding abruptly and was plunged into despair, which lead me straight to the gp to demand the prozac i had taken before my pregancy, only to find it didnt workfrom there on i had irratiojnal fear that i felt i had no control over whatsoever - i feared my food had been poisoned, i feared being sprayed with anthrax, i feared the end of the world, i feared an alien had put the magnetic strip in a library book, i feared my daughter or husband dying, and ultimately the worst fear for me was the fear i would kill my child
feeling bitter and angry
so i managed to cope with all this is everything went my way and i was allowed to indulge in all of my self-defeating behaviour - avoiding the fear. teh people in my life have been told that they have contributed to my condition and have also been blamed for it for being uninvolved and seemingly uncaring about the outcome of my life, however i find it now more helpful to think of terms of me being responsible for my life and so not blaming anybody else or seeing muyself as a victim of anybody elses control - i f i have alllowed people to have controll then that was my fault and now im stronger i dont meed to have these people involved in my battle with panic and anxiety.
i had always wanted another child but felt with this amount of worry it wass impossible and ppl felt it wasnt a good idea either so influencing my decision - anyway i had a good 18 months chilling at home and getting back to being able to be with my daughter all the time. so we tried, i got pregnant and then i wasnt adn again i was plunged into a kind of despair that i couldnt cope with - or so i thought i couldnt. but the years have helped me to understand. and i sought help from wherever, a therapist, self-help, here and from myself.
3 years ago i started cleaning agin as a way to try to have some routine in my kife and to have a little bit of independance, i thought i had to hide away due to my lack of social skills and my fear of panicking in front of anyone and also my inability to face my fear of going it alone anymore than say amile from my home, putting lots of work out of my reach and leaving me with no resort, or again so i thought?
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but i dictated to these people tha tthey must not be in the house!!!!
anyway this wasn tdifficult as they were at work. anyway my anxiety has come and gone in waves over these 3 years and this year it has been bad, but for the reason of trying to reverse all the stuff i was thinking and doing inn those beginning years after the birth of my daughter. now although i am suffering anxiety and still panic at times i am not living in that 'fog' that is so upsetting and which feels like it will never end - even just last year i ws back in it again, but this time i could watch myself in a way i couldnt have done years before. this is why i speak of it in tems of a journey and why anybody feeling anything like i did i wan tyou to know you wont feellike this for eve rand there is going to be peace and happinessonce more in your life. over this year i have relaxed my hold on the rule of no-one in the house and yesterday one of the guys came home from work - he is a big boss of something, so potential for a bit of social phobia to kick in - but no, it was greati had a couple of little convos with him and then i carried on working for about an hour and then left!
i have also started the monday afternoon in the save the children, facing the fear of seeing people i know and this is working out great too. my fear of being alone is getting less and i have jus tordered two mindfullness books from amazon. i have also had to take control and make some big decisions regarding our fiancial situation that could be regarded as risky
