Husband has severe social anxiety and depression

[countrygirl]

My husband is 55 yrs old and we have been married for 28 yrs. As a child he displayed with hindsight characteristics which nowadays would have been diagnosed as an autism spectrum disorder but back then was just very shy!

He has always had a terror of people and as he gets older he is getting much worse. He literally avoids contact with people and as he is self employed from home he can do this which is not helping. I have to be responsible for everything to do with running a business, all personal things. He is incredibly indecisive for example in a supermarket he cannot choose a checkout if I am there in case he gets the wrong one. This does come from a childhood of never being good enough ( long story!) so he is convinced that eveyrthing he does will be wrong and he will be told off.

He cannot cope with the slightest irritability on anyones part towards him which makes my life a bit difficult as I cannot be normal. He has twice in his life attempted to end his life and has been taking prozac which has helped alot for past 6 years.

mental health services can offer nothing as he cannot bear to talk to someone he doesn't know.

He accepts avoidance is making him worse and worse and we are trying to come up with a strategy where he slowly and in very small ways has to deal with people.

Has anyone any experience of how to take this forward or any therapies that are available. A psychiatrist only offered powerful drugs or CBT which he won't have as it involves a stranger.

He is fine with close friends once he gets to know them up to a point but they know nothing of his problems just that he is incredibly shy!!!!!!!!

There is no support anywhere for spouses of people with mental health disorders is there?????

[marie1974]

hello and welcome to this site, i am so sorry about your situation and as you say life can be a nightmare for people like you who are constantly having to care for him and everything else. you will get lots of advice on here and there are quite a few people who will be able to help you. i will ask bill he is on here and is in a similar situation with his wife and now gets some support, he may be able to help you. he is lovely and offers great advice and support too. xxx

[decca]

Hi Countrygirl and welcome to NMP,
Well done you for recognising you husband's problem and giving him the understanding support he needs we hear of so many cases on here where our partners just don't understand our problems.
I think you'll find lots of support on here for both you and your husband,there's always someone on the forum or in the chat room to offer support.
I personally can relate to your husbands problems as I've suffered from much the same things in the past and would recomend a course of CBT even if you or someone goes along with him to start with, a lot of good councillors will also come out to your home.
Kind regards
Decca.

[countrygirl]

Thanks both - lovely to get replies so quickly. Its just so nice to have somewhere where I can be honest about things.

[milly jones]

u can get cbt 1-1 as i had it. its very painful emotionally at first, initially u hate the person, then depend on them and finally understand the situation more and develop startegies to cope.
I suffer dep, anx disorder and social phobia, and work with youngers with asd. I have found my difficulties help me relate much more to children with asd, esp the ocd and sensitivity and social side.
know i've not been much help but welcome to nmp

xxxmillyxxx

[Carla08]

My husband is 55 yrs old and we have been married for 28 yrs. As a child he displayed with hindsight characteristics which nowadays would have been diagnosed as an autism spectrum disorder but back then was just very shy!

He has always had a terror of people and as he gets older he is getting much worse. He literally avoids contact with people and as he is self employed from home he can do this which is not helping. I have to be responsible for everything to do with running a business, all personal things. He is incredibly indecisive for example in a supermarket he cannot choose a checkout if I am there in case he gets the wrong one. This does come from a childhood of never being good enough ( long story!) so he is convinced that eveyrthing he does will be wrong and he will be told off.

He cannot cope with the slightest irritability on anyones part towards him which makes my life a bit difficult as I cannot be normal. He has twice in his life attempted to end his life and has been taking prozac which has helped alot for past 6 years.

mental health services can offer nothing as he cannot bear to talk to someone he doesn't know.

He accepts avoidance is making him worse and worse and we are trying to come up with a strategy where he slowly and in very small ways has to deal with people.

Has anyone any experience of how to take this forward or any therapies that are available. A psychiatrist only offered powerful drugs or CBT which he won't have as it involves a stranger.

He is fine with close friends once he gets to know them up to a point but they know nothing of his problems just that he is incredibly shy!!!!!!!!

There is no support anywhere for spouses of people with mental health disorders is there?????

Hi
Just read your message and firstly you deserve a lot a lot of admiration and praise for being so supportive towards your husband. It must be very difficult for you at times I am sure. Would your husband allow you to be there if he should go for CBT? if he doesnt like being around a stranger? I can understand what he goes through to a point as I also am a little like he is in some ways. It is so hard to explain. Some days I absolutely hate being around people that I dont know and should they talk to me, I can fall to pieces. I dont know why I am like I am. I had an awfully horrific childhood and try and tell myself thats what it is but then I have chatted with others with no such experiences who feel the same.I work from home now too because I cannot interact easily anymore with anyone with outside work, however I dont therefore get the social interaction and I just know that doesnt help me. It is so easy to get withdrawn and isolated and dependent on others that are there for you, however I know too that it can be emotionally draining and exhausting for them too. All I know is that your husband is a lucky man to have such a supportive wife as you. There are not that many people like you around. I am sure you will find a lot of support on this site. I have only been on here for less than a week and already I know it has made such a huge difference to me as there are people on here who really and truly understand what you are going through and can help. I am having a really tough day and this site has been the first place that I have turned to other than sitting crying to myself! Please continue to use this site because from my own personal experience it has been a godsend.
Big hugs to you

[Bill]

Hello there,

You've probably read my posts about me caring for my wife so I know only too well how you feel. I have the greatest sympathy for both of you.

My wife who suffers from schizophrenia used to be so ill that she could never hold a conversation with strangers. Her replies to their questions would always be simply "yes or no". It was extremely difficult to get her to open up.

The cpn offered to provide a befriender from the NSF, now called Rethink. Later this befriender was replaced by a support worker and then we took up the direct payments scheme through social services so that we could "employ" our own helpers.

Through all these contacts and socialising that resulted, my wife is now able to be sociable even though her illness does still inhibit the level of conversation she can hold.

You could try asking the psychiatrist if they could provide him with a "support worker". These support workers simply act as a "friend" to help someone get back into society so they are very used to dealing with patients who find it hard to open up.

Also find out if there is a MIND group in your area and also ask your surgery if there is a Voluntary Care Group in your area too.

MIND not only provide places where sufferers can attend as a group but also often provide befrienders just as voluntary care groups do too.

A support worker or befriender could try taking him to an anxiety group or simply visit him as a "friend" to take him out perhaps to help him regain his confidence. A group could be attempted later.

CBT would be all about exposing him to socialising but the options above would do that too.

I also noticed that alot of your own anxieties appear to be health related. I feel sure that your anxieties are connected to the amount of stress you're suffering so I would hope that if he was better supported by an "outsider", it would take some of the stress off you so you might find you'll feel better as a result too.

As for no support for carers.........well, read my "To care or not to care" post and you'll see how much I empathise with you. However, you may well find that MIND or a Voluntary Care Group can offer something to help you too. Also though, check to see what type of carers groups you've got in your area.

If the above doesn't help, please let me know and I'll see what more I can think of.

[marie1974]

great post bill i am sure countrygirl will appreciate that

[countrygirl]

Countrygirl appreciates it unbelievably believe me!

In some ways my husband is not bad enough if you know what I mean. He still has some social life with people he knows well and of course we have hidden the problem very well for a long time!

I suppose there are two problems in that he hates feeling as he does and knowing he is not much help to me in anything that involves dealing with unknown people and the other problem is that I am finding it hard as he gets worse to be totally responsible for everything that involves unknown people contact. I have had terrible health anxiety since a bad experience with illness and death as a 5 yrs old. I suppose two damaged people understanding each other.

I had thought about contacting mind and asking if they had any help for carers, the only official diagnosis for husband is mild manic depression.

A year ago when he got very depressed and said he wanted out of life he did actually go and see his GP who was very good and he was actually happy to just deal with her but of course she had to get mental health involved which meant a visit from 2 very over powering mental health nurses who didn't seem at all sympathetic. We live in a very large property in national park that always give the impression that we are extremely wealthy (ha) but only survive here by letting out holiday accomodation so appearances are very deceptive and the nurse just about said what have you got to be depressed about living here!!!!!!!!! They did their job and he was referred to not very good psychiatrist who asked what treatment we thought he needed. As husband was totally tonguetied I had to do all the talking after she had asked me to come into room so she could get some information so the session ended up between me and her.

Most of the time things are okay and we are very happy, but sometimes I forget he can't deal with officaldom and I will ask him to speak to someone and he will get so depressed we both fear for his life. If I recognise what is happening which is 99% of time then we will talk and all will be well but if I am feeling stressed or ill ( I do have my own chronic health problems unrelated to health anxiety) I sometimes miss the signs and that is when things can become life threatening for him.

Sorry for waffling so much - I could talk a glass eye to sleep!

I cannot believe the support on here- you are all wonderful.

It is interesting that I am a very social, chatty person who loves people!!!!!

[marie1974]

Hi Countrygirl

The more i have read on here the more angry i feel as so many people like yourself struggle alone and when they eventually ask for help they get very unsympathetic health nurses which is what you really dont need.

i think also it is nice to think that you can cope and help eachother and not need outside help and when things do get too much i think its important to off load on someone whether it be relative, friend or outsider as this helps the carer to just open up and get out all those different emotions that we feel that are kept inside while you just have to get on with your day.

so for you even like you say he is not that bad, you still need a bit of time for you so you can just relax and sleep, shop have coffee, had a good old chat what ever it is, that way you can go back to your husband feeling more positive.

you are both obviously devoted to each other and understand each other i just think as my counsellor said to me having a partner as a therapist is not a good idea and she is right. sometimes i feel awful with anxietys and offload on him and sometimes him with me but he finds it difficult to know what to do and i probably rely on him to much at times, which is why my therapist is great for me, i am having cognitive behaviour therapy.

not sure if any of this was any help to you as i am not in your position but i am always here if you want to chat and so are lots of people. there is a great chat room here and everyone is really lovely and helpful.

Be strong xx