Is this progress?

[thevoicewithinme]

As most of you know, over 12 years ago I was housebound for 7 years with agrophobia, but conquered it. In the last 8/9 weeks however, my panic attacks have returned and once again I find myself becoming agrophobic. I do go out, but not alone, and the furthest distance I have travelled since being like this has been the school run (couple of mins drive) and that in itself has been a big struggle.

Saturday evening, my boyfriend and I talked, in fact was a very indepth conversation, and I actually listened (truly took in his words) to what he was saying and listened to his fears as well.

Sunday I awoke with a different attitude. I felt a lot more positive, and more determined than ever to beat this agrophobia. Sunday evening, my boyfriend came with me while I drove the car, and we were out for 1hr 15 mins..no big deal to some maybe...but to me that was a huge thing to do..but I did it..without having a panic attack.

Monday, I took the boys to school, felt fine, lunchtime I drove to the shop, was ok...picked boys up from school that afternoon and again was fine. My mood was definately beginning to lift..felt as though I was on a high.

Tuesday, exactly the same as Monday...sailed through everything, even drove to the Meat Packers and brought something nice for tea. Maybe also,starting to feel maybe a little bit too over confident?

This morning, I drove the boys to school...perfect! Got out the car, walked about 10 feet from the car and BANG! My head was spinning, I felt faint and absolutely terrified, wanted to get straight back in the car and go home. I did turn towards the car, even opened the door, but instead of getting in, I took a hard boiled sweet (always have a supply in the car) put it in my mouth and thought to myself, 'The boys have got to go in school, concentrate on the sweet and you will be fine' Stupid the thoughts we get eh?? But it worked.

I then had a doctors appointment this morning, which my boyfriends sister came with me, and the doctor has said that I most definately need to see a counsellor, and she is hardly surprised my panic attacks have come back considering everything that has happened in my life over the last 2 years.
Had to fill in some kind of questionaire too to see if I am depressed or not, but to be honest I dont think I am...well will find that out next week when I go back and see her again.

After coming out of the doctors, I said to my boyfriends sister that I feel like going for a drive, and she said fine...so with me driving I headed off in the car....and found myself at my boyfriends work 12 miles away. The smile on his face when he saw me said it all, he was so proud of me for driving there and I have to admit was pretty chuffed with myself too.

I have also today been to the City Dog's Home, and have come away from there with a reservation on a dog, and am awaiting a home visit (which will pass no problem). I am a great pet lover, and I am hoping that by having a dog, it will make it easier for me to go out as I know the dog will need walking.

I guess my question is, am I making progress? Or am I just on a lucky streak? I know this may sound weird, but I am so trying to convince myself that I can do this, that I can beat it again. Is it normal also for my head to feel kind of weird, it like everything in my head is on fast forward, kind of hard to explain I know, but like everything I am thinking is going full speed, is this my way of coping? Also each time I come back home from I have the most awful thumping headache...is this tension?

Sorry to go on yet again.

Kaz

[diane07]

awww kaz,

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, of course its progress, what you're doing is waiting for something to happen, if you wait it will, what we say to ourselves is when life is so good we don't want anything to spoil it. we need to be thinking hey i want to go out and nothing is going to stop me and certainly no stupid panic attack.

Been doing the same myself, julie sent me this brill book which i've read so i've just been going out and facing the panic, but hey kaz we can still walk and breathe through the panic, it doesn't stop me in my tracks it just feels uncomfortable.

Stay with your positive thoughts hun you're doing so well

Di xxxxxxx

[thevoicewithinme]

You are right Di, we can still walk and breathe through the panic, not easy at times, but we do it right? I think I could cope with the dizziness if it wasn't for the feeling of sheer terror that hits me too, but I am starting to learn that if I can pre-occupy myself with something, i.e. the sweet then it does pass pretty quickly, and then of course you start thinking how silly it all was and feeling pleased with yourself etc.

What book did Julie send you Di? Wouldn't mind having a read of it myself.

Kaz

[Panic1971]

Hey Kaz

This is brilliant progress. You should be really pleased with yourself

Keep it up girl!!!

[diane07]

hi kaz,

Its called panic away, i heard about it a long time ago but was a bit apprehensive about buying it, julie said she had it and sent it me through email, it tells you exactly how it is kaz, doesn't take long to read. I'll email julie back to ask her to send it to you. pm me your email add hun

[misterbean]

Hi Kaz

Does it feel like you are confronting something within yourself? You break free of something and you find that you feel wierd, both 'fast forward' (if you compare it to where you were) and 'everything going at full speed' at the same time.
If so, my experience (though not necessarily yours) is that this will ebb and flow, sometimes dramatically, sometimes not. I have a feeling that this is known as living and that, second only to your determination (stubbornness!), the people in your life are important to your coming alive and staying alive, despite the Bee Gees song to the contrary.

Martin

[karenb]

awww kaz,

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, of course its progress, what you're doing is waiting for something to happen, if you wait it will, what we say to ourselves is when life is so good we don't want anything to spoil it. we need to be thinking hey i want to go out and nothing is going to stop me and certainly no stupid panic attack.

Been doing the same myself, julie sent me this brill book which i've read so i've just been going out and facing the panic, but hey kaz we can still walk and breathe through the panic, it doesn't stop me in my tracks it just feels uncomfortable.

Stay with your positive thoughts hun you're doing so well

Di xxxxxxx

Di,

that is an excellent quote "you can still walk and breathe through the panic"

You are so right!

karen xx

[bluebell68]

Hi ...Kaz... yes this is definitely progress and the best kind, cos you have felt the fear and got thru it..... you have made this happen, you should be proud of your courage and determination... it doesn't matter now if you feel panic occasionally cos you know that you can carry on and still do the things that you need to and want to... this is a breakthrough.... you have taken control away from your anxiety and i doubt you will want to give it back again, so you can only go from strength to strength....
When symptoms rear their heads again we can feel a bit deflated and question our progress but the only difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is the way we use it....
You have done great
Rachel

[Lila]

Sounds like you are doing really well. Fantastic job driving to your bf's workplace! I would call all this huge progress.

Take care and feel proud of what you have achieved.

[jesse08]

[quote=thevoicewithinme;330927]

Sunday I awoke with a different attitude. I felt a lot more positive, and more determined than ever to beat this agrophobia.


I think this is great news. Possibly, like so many of us, you are expecting the worst to happen, but as someone has said, stay with this new found attitude.Tthere is always a little man on our back waiting to sabotage our success, if WE LET HIM. So don't!!!! What wonderful freedom to be doing all these things. I really wish you well. Hugs