Hello All,

I have never used one of these sites before, but I have read a lot of your posts and I think it would be really useful to liaise with you about some of my experiences, in particular the horrible situation I seem to have found myself in this week.

I am 25-years-old, and have always been a bit of a 'worrier'. Last year I underwent some CBT sessions to try to help with my obsessive ruminating and fixation on negative thoughts. However, I have never taken medication for the problem, and it has never affected my life to the extent that it is at the moment.

I am with a lovely man, who is absolutely perfect for me. He really makes me happier than I have ever been, and I have never ever had any doubts as to whether we should be together. Everything has been great!

On the Saturday just gone, I met up with my ex, who I haven't seen for about a year. We broke up a couple of years ago, and have kept in touch sporadically. Every time - apart from this one - I have been very angry with him, although have kept this quite well hidden. He was really quite nasty to me during a lot of the four years we were together. He suffered from bad depression, and would lose interest in me for months at a time. Additionally, he was verbally very abusive and would should at me a lot, telling me I always ruin everything and that he wanted to treat me so badly, that I would become ill myself. Really horrible stuff!

I knew I was falling out of love with him, and found this pretty traumatic. The two weeks prior to the break-up were horrendous for me emotionally, as I kept going over everything in my mind and questioning if it was really the right thing to do. Even after we broke up, I questioned myself repeatedly. But I stuck to my guns and we didn't get back together, THANK GOODNESS!

While we were having coffee, we didn't discuss anything out of the ordinary at all, and didn't even talk about the times we had together. It was a beautiful afternoon, I had just had a promotion, everything was good. I didn't even feel angry towards him. But it did fell weird; especially since we met quite close where we used to live and he was even wearing a T-shirt I had bought for him.

I had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever; I would just like to clarify that. I am totally committed to my boyfriend. But I was looking at him, thinking that I used to have feelings for him, and not being able to work out in my mind how people fall out of love with their partners. In fact, I think I kind of felt sorry for him and a bit guilty.

I was relieved to say goodbye to him, and didn't feel any need to speak to him or see him again.

I was excited to go over to my boyfriend's house that afternoon, and everything was great. However, I suddenly began to feel incredibly ill, with massive anxiety in my stomach. My limbs were numb, I felt like I was watching myself in some kind of horrible nightmare. I became terrified because I felt exactly how I did in the two weeks before I broke up with my ex, and convinced myself I needed to do the same with my boyfriend. It was absolutely horrendous, I could feel no love towards him at all... Nor feel any enthusiasm towards work, my cat, my home, nothing. It was like I had lost myself completely.

I felt like I had regressed back two years, and felt EXACTLY the same as I had when I broke up with my ex. I couldn't even really remember how happy I had been in the two years since. What probably didn't help, was that it is the same time of year that it happened. What's more, I broke up with my ex the day we were due to go on holiday. Suddenly the vacation my boyfriend and I are due to take next week seemed a very scary prospect.

The thing that terrified me most, was that I appeared to have fallen out of love with my boyfriend - having NEVER had any doubts about us before - in the space of an hour. I can't explain how distraught I became.

We ended up going to my parents' house, where I have remained throughout this week. I have spoken to a counsellor, who said I must have had a thought (unknown to me), which I began to ruminate about subconsciously. He reminded me, you can't change your feelings towards somebody or your life that quickly. It simply isn't rational. Similarly, on visiting my GP, he says I seem to have had some kind of 'trauma', which seeing my ex (and all the horrible memories) must have brought up.

He gave me a week's prescription of Diazapram, to take 3x20mg doses per day. He reassured me that he thought I would be through the worst, and feeling almost myself again, after a week or two. I have had several bad panic attacks since I saw him on Monday, but they seem to be calming down.

I know these negative feelings I have simply aren't real, and it is this that has kept me going, though it has been horrendous. I just want my life back.

I saw my boyfriend last night, and it was amazing to see him. I know I am through the worst, and I am gradually regaining my feelings. I still feel absolutely petrified that my doubts will never entirely go away though. I just can't believe this has happened to me; it's definitely the worst experience of my life.

I would be so grateful if anybody could let me know if they have experienced such a breakdown, or could offer any advise or words of wisdom.

Thank you so much in advance.

xx