nmp raises anx?
yes nmp has helped raise my anxiety this morning
its helped me to push towards a goal.
on friday l learnt that it was a special friends birthday. i really wanted to get a nice card to post. there was no way i could do it this weekend, town is too busy, id go to the spar in the village and just pick up the quickest one.
but for one reason and another i never got there.
so this morning i woke up and decided that i was going to walk to town and get a good card. i showered got dressed etc and was so violently sick at the prospect that i couldnt face any thing to eat or drink, but i continued.
i left the house and texted that i was going to town incase there was problems. head down and walking rapidly i escaped my close before anyone saw me.
i walked quickly down the road and just kept going. traffic rushed past me and people startled me whenever anyone walked behind me. everything was louder, bigger, faster and i just kept walking.
i got to the town and although i can walk here i usually skirt the centre when eg im going to the hospital. however there are 4 card shops all in the high street.
i stopped at a bench at the bus station to gather my thoughts, well id got this far, i couldnt give up now. i could smell the sheep at the cattle market and i felt sick. but on i went.
well i made it to the high street but it was 10 mins to go till the shops opened, cos as usual id got to there too early. scared in case i met someone i knew i just looked into the shop window at wh smith, which is tucked back until it was time. my heart was racing, my mouth dry and the familiar feeling of my nose beginning to run before a panic attack.
i kept breathing, following the display stand in the shop with my eyes, breath in slowly, out slowly.
9.00 the shops opened, town was fairly quiet and i went round the card shops and chose what i needed.
by 9.15 i was back on my way home, escaping, shivering, still highly strung but walking really quickly.
a bin lorry passed me, the smell nearly overwhelming, and i baulked, but still carried on.
back up the hill, past the houses and into my house. i got in and looked in the mirror. my face was bright red, dont know if it was anx or effort.
any way i did it. im home safe again. sitting with a coffee and telling my friends here on nmp.
im so proud of my self. so yes nmp does increase my anx, it pushes me into moving forward.
thank you to everyone on here who supports me and holds my hand when i need love, u are the most wonderful ppl on this planet.
and thanks to my friend who spurred me to want to go
milly xxxxxx
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