DAY 4 -Am i over the worst?

[DeeperDown]

I'm not sure I'd recommend depression as a way of losing weight bubble - but it certainly burns off the calories. I'm 6ft 3 and was always on the heavy side. I've hit 18 stone at worst. These days I am fairly trim and down to 14. Partly because of those dreadful shakes, and partly due to the fact I am stuck indoors most of the time and have nothing else to do but keep fit and try and burn off the excess energy.

Thank you for your kind words Oldhat. And no, no-one does. My family try but I know deep down they think I am just stuck in a rut and am letting myself get down. They don't say it. But until you've woke up already crying, with your body convulsing and wishing you had died in your sleep, you just don't know how bad it can be. All logic, all reason, all knowledge, none of it makes any sense.

I first fell ill in 1992, but I recovered from that and didn't suffer again for a while. By that time I had achieved a first class honours degree and earned a Doctorate with distinction. I'd presented lectures to halls of 250+ people. I'd got to the point where everyone who knew me believed I could go on and achieve something really meaningful. And then one day my world fell apart. I'm not lazy (contrary to what the current Government might want to believe), I'm not stupid, I'm not unmotivated. And yet now standing in a room full of strangers can bring on an anxiety attack that lasts for days. I had my life ripped from under me. And I know that virtually everyone who reads this will understand that and be in just the same boat as me.

There used to be a time when I felt at home surrounded by academics and ultra high achievers. Those days have long gone. Its been a long long time since I've felt I belonged. But these last few days at this forum have given me just that. A sense that the people around me understand me. And that they are just like me. People who had so much to offer, but who were denied the chance by an illness. Not just a mental illness, I hate that term because it suggests the problem is simply with the mind, but a physical illness. A real physical shift in body chemistry that changes everything about your life. In exactly the same way a shift in insulin effects a diabetic.

I know where you've been oldhat, and I hope everyone here understands that as much as they have been cheated out of their lives, the world has been cheated out of some bloody nice people who to a greater or lesser extent can't achieve all the things they should have been able to do.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

blimey DD are you me?

I was working at a university till I became ill, high achiever lecturing to big groups etc etc

I was 'the person most in control and least likely to break down' in everyone's eyes, I think people are still reeling from the news that I was hospitalised last year.

having never had a day off sick for years I have now had nearly a year off sick.

[DeeperDown]

Its said that depression tends to effect people with a naturally high level of intelligence. I don't know if that is just anecdotal because I've never really spoken to many. Or maybe I have and, like me, they hide behind the facade of "normal" when in public. Until my complete collapse I could disguise my symptoms just long enough to escape a crowd. It does seem logical though. My OCD (another long story) started when I was six. A long time before most children could comprehend the world enough to start fixating on things. Its entirely possible this fascination with the world eventually caused my breakdown. Or even that the continual building of neurons in a specific part of my brain caused the chemical imblance. Which would someone similar to me just as prone to my exact condition. The problem is that right now everyone seems to only be able to speculate. Hopefully at some point someone will pin down some real facts on what makes one person able to cope with life, and leaves another unable to move in the morning without medication.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

I like the insulin/ diabetic analogy by the way.

If I think of it in those terms, ie my body can't hang on to its serotonin so I need to take some chemicals to help it, well somehow seeing it that way makes me feel better anyway....

[scrumpy78]

monring guys, enjoyed reading your posts as we have so many similarities. i'm on day 10 ( yippee) feeling ok just the same as i was before the citalopram i.e dizzy spells, tiredness. still at my parents house. went home yesterday thinking i was going to stay there but came back here. will try again today now my partner has finished work for the summer and will be able to stay with me. started to talk more positiviely to myself today and going to try and keep that up. its going to be a warm one today and i'm already thinking about my breathing, hate the humid weather.

have a good day

[DeeperDown]

I've had a funny old day. Hence the late post. Its nearly 4.30am as I type this. Anyway for some reason the Trazadone hit me with one of its shovel moments last night. I woke up about four times during the night and this morning, but every time I was too tired to lift my head. I wish I knew why it did this to me sometimes, other days it barely does anything. The short story being I was only able to stagger to my feet at nearly 5pm.

Citalopram wise this meant a late dose for me today. However on the good side I hardly shook at all after waking. You know logic would say since I always shake worse in the morning it must be due to some chemical building up while I sleep, but the truth is that I shake in the mornings even if I have been awake all night. And I don't shake at night even if I sleep all day. Its almost as if the effects of my depression are watching the clock. Even the citalopram downs tend to come between 9am and 3pm. Perhaps I should apply for the nightshift somewhere and sleep every day from 6am until 5pm!

I'm now about to start my second week of 20mg citalopram and I couldn't be happier. Its not done a lot for the depression yet, but its not made it any worse. at least not noticably so. I am almost looking forward to the jump to 40mg because I know that when I get used to it I will start feeling a real lowering of my anxiety. Hopefully enough for me to stop at that dose.

Anyway, sorry if today's words haven't been up to my usual standard. The late night is making me a bit twitchy so I am about to try and get to sleep. Hopefully I can nod off before the shakes start and get back to a better sleeping pattern tomorrow.

Good to hear your symptoms are under control scrumpy, and that the lucid ramblings of myself and oldhat are helping you out. It looks like we've passed the worst of it, and perhaps when we upgrade to a higher dose we can share that experience too.

And thank you for the kind words oldhat. I doubt the insulin comparison is an original idea, but it does illustrate one simple point. Our illness is as physical as it is mental. The line below for instance;

Inability to lead a normal life because the body is unable to control the level of a certain chemical or chemicals. Having to take a drug or drugs to control the level of those chemical(s) manually.

I mean does that line describe a diabetic? Or a depressive? I dare anyone to tell me for certain which. In the absence of any other data at least.

Think about the words. "Mental" illness. Its as if someone is saying we have a disease of the mind. Well find me a doctor who can point to the brain and show me where the "mind" is located. Certainly our condition effects our concious behaviour and our emotional response. But the brain is a physical thing. And therefore we must have a physical illness. If we didn't then how would tablets help? Tablets don't work on the mind. They effect an actual physical thing. In the case of citalopram the amount of serotonin in the synapse. And that physical change causes us first to feel more depressed, and then for that depression to be relieved. That's not mental. That's all physical. And we should feel no more ashamed of our illness than a paralysed person should feel ashamed about not being able to walk.

DD

[apple66]

Hi it's day 6 on 20mg and have experianced the yawning and dry mouth feel slightly numb if that makes any sense but ok, take care all

[DeeperDown]

It looks like you might be lucky apple. If you can get through the weekend you should be confident that you are through the worst of it.

Best of luck.

DD

[oldhandatthis]

I hope you are feeling OK Apple

How's things with you DD?

It's 7 weeks now for me on Citalopram and I am feeling like myself, which is wonderful. Still fatigued but that's a small price to pay!

[DeeperDown]

I'm good thanks oldhand, and at the moment I am actually laughing because I've just realised I've been calling you oldhat!!! God its ages since I've heard the sound of my own laughter. Sorry for that.

I'm about to climb up another step, to 40mg. I've stopped shaking markedly in the morning but I'm still not quite where I want to be. I'm hoping this will do it, in fact I'm quite positive it will. Hopefully this increase will be an managable as the first dose was.

DD