bear with me... (not sur eif i am posting this right im new)
Okay so here it goes...
I was born into a family with a father an immigrant from another country and my mother an irish american two very different people with very different backgrounds. My mom was very quiet and generous but also very judgemental and always complained , I can't remember a day when she didn't say something depressing or hurtful or complain to this day I dont understand or know why besides the obvious she was severely depressed. My father was very strict but a stable provider in the sense that he fed us, worked hard, and was in my life. Learned from my latest therapy also an abused child from a big family 14 children whose culture is also very ....i guess you could say messed up. He was abusive mentally and physically to me until I was almost 17 years old and the only reason it stopped was because i began running away and child services was called because I told a high school counselor a small part of what i endured. As we fought about something silly I remember being soccer punched in the stomach and head with a closed fist and tried to close the bathroom door to be safe again but he being 200 plus pounds and me 115 at the time had no escape; this was the first day to never having him hurt me again from this day on I left when harmed. Memories like this give me anxiety but worse of all I forever have to live with my dads pain. I have irritable anxiety where if people hurt me I am very sensitive, I have been in bad relationships with men and very codependant. I have never felt "healthy love" with anyone even friends and it's one thing that depresses me. I always feel trapped and its part of my anxiety that shows it like fear of planes, medicines, child birth, elevators, marriage, rollercoasters, and anything else that I cant escape immediately. Looking back and knowing is one battle but knowing what to do with all this information and past is something I am stuck with. I also have a few other traumas I can't seem to get past. In preschool I was believed to be molested by a man I cant recall much of besides seeing him in a bathroom and crying for weeks until they had to take me out of school although seen by a doctor and looked unharmed i still can remember the bathroom and the man and dont know what happened but feels odd. A few years later i was molested by an older friend that i do recall , a girl who was the beginning to my life with anxiety disorder. It happened when I was five or six years old and around 12-13 yrd old I began obsessing about it. How it happened?! why i let it happen not realizing there was nothing I could have done I was only 5 or 6; just a child. Also it being a girl who experimented on me made me so sick I began questioning if i was gay if i let it happen or why she did it. This was the first time my mind ever raced. When I began hitting puberty at 14 and having problems with my dysfunctional family (arguements every night followed by abuse)...one night my sister who argued with me and my father decided to overdose. I remember seeing how pale and scared she was sitting on the couch after she threw up several times in the bathroom ...so pale. My dad was screaming at her saying " what did you do what did you : which is imprinted on my memory and i almost knew immediately. The rest is a blur besides the obvious of her being rushed into the hospital about to die . they pumped her stomach and was able to stabilize her ...78 prescription pills she had taken. My family didnt talk to me after and never explained why she did it and what happened. All I could remember is I fought with her...it was MY fault in my head. She was in a mental hospital for months so I was unable to talk to her...I remember being so sad and so confused for 6 months with neither of my parents speaking about it until she came home which was also like a prison because everything was locked up and they were even stricter on me yet spoiled her every chance they got . Years later I had found a journal which explained her suicidal attempt was due to harassment by kids at school and i felt so upset that no one told me that was why. im sure us arguing as kids didnt help either but why wouldnt anyone tell me? did my family think i was empty or didnt care? i was so mad! Once she got home from the mental hospital i missed my bestfriends birthday party to spend time with her. although she was tired and kind of to herself i wanted to be there. id say about a week or so later I visitedmy grandma and got bit by misquitos . the night prior was a warning about west nile virus in my area and that night i came home had my very first anxiety attack and the beginnign to 9 yrs of anxiety disorder. i didnt go to the hospital because my mom and dad said i was hyperventialting but when it happened again i went to the doctors. My anxiety disorder started rough I was afraid of talking in school and being around people, I had trouble sleeping and hadstarted rituals to fall asleep and feel safe. Then Id say from 15-16 1]2 years old it had almost left. I was too involved with trying to dodge my dad and him being strict i wasnt allowed to get out much so i didnt panic. At 17 when I began running away on weekends and coming home from school I had anxiety but only a few panic attacks I think the adreniline from life at that point somehow leveled the anxiety. i began experimented with boys and was in and out of relationships. At 18 I began having health anxiety and severe anxiety disorder, I worried about anything you could possible worry about . At 18 i also met a very influential person in my life. I began dating a guy who I was very much interested who I met at a party from another friend.The beginning to our relationship was hetic . He didnt really want a girlfriend and was straight out of jail and had a past of being wild and reckless. 3 weeks of seeing each other and he asked me out which shocked me. our relationship started off rocky he was young and foolish and wanted to party with his friends and i was very focused on school my only way out of living in the h*ll I lived in. I grew very angry anytime he went to the bar or went to a party without me, I didnt trust him. He kept pleading to trust him and that he loved me. whenever we hung out it was so much fun he always said nice things to me and always talked about how beautiful i was and how perfect and took me out to dinner probably 3 times a week. I felt the best i ever did in my entire life. I was crushed when come to find seven months into our relationship that he had cheated on me with some nasty chick when he was drunk. In april he had gone to another state for two nights with the same boys i always got jealous and angry about when they hung out because they would make him do wild things and are the reason he use to get arrested. i told him he could go because i felt bad for being the psycho girlfriend who doesnt let guys hangout with their friends because i didnt want to be like that anymore.When I found out about him cheating with me from an instant message between his friend and some chick about it and him and her being drunk i was enraged. Dealing with my past it takes alot for me to trust people and when you break it it's like I shouldve known i cant trust people! I was quick to slap him across the face the first chance I saw him and walked out of cousins family house (where he was living which is another story in itself ). I walked 5 miles to go to my home immediately and was almost kidnapped twice by older men in cars(trying to keep this drama short we wont even get into that lol ) and had no choice but to call him and ask if he could pick me up. He did but he didnt want me to go home he wanted to talk things out. we spent a whole night talking in his car and actually fell asleep in it. i forgave him but as the saying goes didnt forget. i thought i could get over it and we continued dating...that summer his ex had came by his cousins house with his friends (they didnt like me because i was taking up all his time so they did it to spite me). i didnt know it was his ex i just thought it was some girl and that night he had said he was going to bed. he did go straight to his bed and i had a bad feeling that one of the girls were gonna follow him. i sat in my car for 4 mins debating going back in and always looking like the crazy paranoid girlfriend i drove away saying you have to trust him. that night i had a crazy dream about a girl getting with him. a few days later we hungout i told him about the dream and he said actually after you left a girl did come into my bed and said your girlfriend is gone lets have sex. i was upset but i asked yup... DID YOU. he said no he told her told leave and she had kissed his neck then finally stopped trying. it sounded too good to be true and given his past of getting drunk and cheating how could i trust him. but silly me i did...about 6 months later i find out that this girl wasnt some girl but his ex that he dated before me and i was furious. i began iming this chick(my only way of contact with her) and she was telling me they had justkissed and he drove her home that night. again i had my heart broken my first reaction when fighting with him about it being his ex was to punch a pole that supports his cousins house . I didnt know how to express my pain but didnt think wow this is gonna hurt and yes i ended up breaking the bones in my hand. i had a cast for my graduation party and graduation day which was horrible and also horrible because that night someone said something bad to my boyfriend which caused him to drink and fight with my friend and aunt which eyt again he let me down by embaressing me. But guess what... I forgave him. For some reason...any other guy I would have dropped but I didnt I loved him. That August I had thought I could get over him cheating on me and possibly cheating on me again but I couldnt so with my bestgirlfriend and a bottle of tequila i hung around then i decided to go to a party in another city i use to run away to. I saw my ex at the keg party and we connected. i was so upset about my life, my boyfriend, everything i kept drinking and drinking. the last i can remember is my ex telling my friend i could crash and hed help me get a ride home tomorrow that he wanted me to stay and was happy. she left me there drunk and with a past with him and being vulnerable my ex ended up sleeping with me which i cant remember much of but know it happened. the next morning i took the first bus home which p****d him off but i was so disgusted. although my boyfriend wasnt the best i felt bad i wasnt a cheater. i was so anxious and upset with myself...im better than that. it took me 2 years to tell my boyfriend which yes he got very angry and flipped. he began a short period of abuse such as pushing and shoving and i fought back. much like my dad and i. a few months later the storm settled and we began a year of perfectness. we didnt fight we had fun and we got along. on the fourth year of dating my boyfriend (same guy) we decided to get a little serious and bought a place together. when this happened i got alot of anxiety, i was afraid to leave home for good although i hadnt lived there in 2 yrs (i was living with my boyfriends parents) i had my stuff there and had dropped in alot. my mom began having seizures and passing out in her car while my first mortgage began and my job was stressful and i was taking a college course at a new college i transferred to. i got severe anxiety and began obsessing about the possibility of passing out while i drove. so bad that i couldnt drive myself from and to my class anymore at school so i had my boyfriend and dad drive me a few times and missed two classes. luckily somehow being somewhat intelligent i managed an A-. I dropped out of college the next semester to get myself together. from christmas when i dropped out until may i began having really bad panic attacks, depression, and had quit my job and basically slept all day and did nothing but watch my niece and go out occasionally. i started to have trouble falling asleep and then had trouble getting up which caused so much anxiety because i felt something was wrong. oneday i wanted to die something im terrified of i began cutting myself by scratching myself just to stop the pain and make me feel something else, i just cried and cried and finally told my mom how i felt. i went to the hospital the next day and they checked me out and looked at my file that read ANXIETY DISORDER. like all doctors in my life they thought i was just anxious. the doctor told me i looked okay and that i might have depression, I said i know when something is up and i want a mono and thryiod test or im not leaving. he said fine to make me shutup and then 4 hrs later came back to apologize. i had what to come to find hasimoto disease aka type of thryiod disease and thryioditus it causes anxiety, depression, insomia, weight gain, swelling, hair loss, and etc. so i was given daily medicine for the thryiod and began exercising. I went job searching although i had panic attacks just thinking of working. i was so afraid of the world and so detached from everyone. i felt so alone during this time. i rolled upon a site for anxiety disorders and began chatting with others who suffer from it (not this site) i got alot of support and got a job and began working 30 hrs from nothing in 6 months which was very difficult but if you have read anything about me i can pull through sh*t and if anxiety thinks it can take me over its crazy! lol so i started my job and at first had panic attacks i tried to hide and did for the most part. it took 2 months to feel comfortable but i got there. i moved into my house finally 6 months after owning it. I couldnt use my parents house as a safe spot, i am an adult and i have to leave sooner or later. it was bad to be with a dysfunctionally family either. so where am I now?
I am still at my job, still with my boyfriend confused , trying to become more religious or understand life and death better without getting attacks, tryng to have a better relationship with my family, and still at my home ...feeling lonely again but stronger. My bestfriends have moved because of college or work and some are too busy and others arent compassionate enough to explain my anxiety to and dont feel comfortable hanging out with because of it. I have no support besides this site and I still have random anxiety attacks. I see a therapist who is wonderful but has me running in circles. What to do next? Im not sure....this is why I came here. Hoping whoever took the time to read this can help me out. im sorry for the mixed up life story its hard to put everything down but i triedto put the most significant. its hard to type it out without having you read for days...so if it confuses you let me know. anyways please help me out now you know about me id like some advice. i cant stop worrying and im wondering how to finish getitng myself together and what to do....goodluck to you all and thanks <3
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to NMP its lovely to have you here
..........linda Xoxo
DONT WORRY BE HAPPY
