Out of hospital
Well, here I am after another fortnight in the Luxury Hotel......ok, NHS mental health hospital!
I think it was therapeutic for me. Initially, it was as a place of safety. I was admitted to an acute ward. I think that is how I get ill; low mood turns bad extremely quickly but I quickly get out of that dangerous place when medicine kicks in. Once I got restarted on meds, the mood began to lift pretty quickly. Stopping the meds this time wasn't my doing though! It was on the instructions of a doctor after I had had a possible allergic reaction, which turned out not to be an allergy, but just a transient reaction as I am back on the same meds that caused the reaction.
I also did an awful lot of sleeping in the first week. I literally only got out of bed when I had to. I have a theory, that mental illness, like physical illness can be helped by sleep. My brain was getting to a point of shut down when I was at home and I think the sleeping I did helped me.
I was given the choice today of going home for good, going home on a weekend pass thus leaving my bed open for me over the weekend should I feel the need to return, or of staying in. I chose to come home for good. I think the hospital environment had stopped being of any help for me.
In hindsight, I don't think I was well enough the last time I got discharged but I was so determined not to let my family down by not being fit enough to go on holiday.
I feel a calm that I hope will last. This time, I have come out and I know I am not well. I am no longer a danger to myself, but I am recognising that I have a mental illness, I am not quite stable and I will have to take medication for several years, if not the rest of my life. I have felt twice recently the terrible way my mood can swing if I am not taking mood stabilising drugs. I also recognise that I HAVE to give up my job which is stressful and triggering.
Happyone
xx
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