death anxiety/depression, can't see the future. And other stuff.

[befuddled1]

Hi there, I have labels of death anxiety, social anxiety and depression (also a tendency towards ocd) or you might just call me weird.
I have a really busy weekend on. Basically have to write a 5000 word assignment I've been struggling with for months and have been given a final deadline of Monday on. Also need to pack to move house.
Got too many odd feelings that are getting in the way though. The sunniness, the smell of the air, the feel of the day make me feel something, I don't know what exactly but it's getting in the way of me getting on.
Also, I'm really having trouble because I've had an increase in death anxiety recently and I just can't seem to want to do anything except be ok in the moment. Things that are about the future are just so hard to do, because it feels like there's no point. I don't know if I'll get that far. I can't think that I will in case I don't. I can't seem to get myself back into a place where I can feel that my life is going to go on. Everything leading up to this point in my life feels kinda lost and insignificant and I don't know if I'll go on from here so I just feel lost. I don't feel myself. I'm 28 and also feeling out of control because of the way time is passing in my life. I can't believe I'm 28 already. I never wanted to grow up.
I also can't seem to get my tutors out of my head, though I want to.
I just want to be able to see that I need to do these things and to do them for MYSELF, but I can't.
I doubt anyone will relate to this, I just feel the need for some support so I thought I'd post this here cause no one else in my life really knows or understands what's going on. My tutors doubt me. They think I pick and choose the work I do. I seem to have this thing where I desperately need and want their attention and feel hurt by the way one of them is treating me. Yet it's all in my head. This tutor probably bearly knows my name, yet I seem to have had endless daydreams about him being someone significant in my life. I don't even know him, but have built him into someone. My parents offer comfort and attention but it doesn't satisfy me.
Sorry this post has gone all over the place.
I just feel lost.
I just want to be able to get on and feel more ok.
Time is passing and I'm not doing the things I need to which will only increase my anxiety.
Can anyone relate to any of this, or does anyone have anything to say about it?

[Patty]

Hi befuddled1,

I just wanted to let you know that I can so relate to what you said in your post. I would also have so much anxiety about death - I find that this can bring on depersonalisation/derealisation & panic attacks. Then you talk of the time passing by so quickly and not wanting it to - time just seems to be going faster and faster. I also keep thinking that there are things that I really want to do but don't seem to be able to - it's as if my mind is 'stuck'. Wondering what is going to happen in the future and worrying about it. Then the other thoughts (OCD) where something just goes around and around in your mind. It can all get so draining at times!!

You have a lot going on at the moment - with a 5000 word assignment & having to pack to move house. I think that extra stress can leave us more open to increased anxiety. I find that when I think of everything that I have to do together it can seem impossible to do ANYTHING!! The way that I'm trying to deal with this is to do things little by little.

I hope things go well with your assignment & packing.

Hope it helps to know that you're not alone in how you feeling.

Best wishes xx

[befuddled1]

I find that when I think of everything that I have to do together it can seem impossible to do ANYTHING!!

Hi Patty
totally agree with the above! feel completely incapacitated when I have too much on.
Thanks very much for your response. It does help to know someone feels similar. I suppose I feel my mind is stuck as well, but I think from trying to get through today, it is stuck for a reason. I think it is protecting me. I also get stuck ocd-type thinking too, at least I think that's what it is.
On several occasions today I have found myself ruminating on the problem of my mortality when I actually KNOW not to do that really, because it doesn't get me anywhere, no matter how much I need it to, and I really need it to. I guess getting on with things when alone leaves me more open somehow to thoughts that I can't cope with. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's really not easy.
I have been alternating between packing and feeling bad throughout the day, eventually had to sleep my feelings away for a bit. I still have the 5000 words to do and 23 hours or so to do them so fingers crossed I will get there. Even as I write that (23 hours) something in my mind pops up to say 'you don't even know you'll still be here in 23 hours, don't think that far ahead'.
Thanks so much for what you said Patty.
Befuddled x

[Patty]

Hi Befuddled1,

Many times I also do this: 'On several occasions today I have found myself ruminating on the problem of my mortality when I actually KNOW not to do that really, because it doesn't get me anywhere'.
Isn't it so strange that the more you try not to think of something the more it happens. I think that sometimes I even think about it just to 'check' to see if I'm still as scared of it!!!

'Even as I write that (23 hours) something in my mind pops up to say 'you don't even know you'll still be here in 23 hours, don't think that far ahead'. Yes, my thinking goes like that as well - it's as if your mind is constantly saying 'What's the most negative thing that can happen in this situation?'

I have been trying to concentrate on doing something else to ease these thoughts. I have found that listening to the radio has been helpful.

Hope all's going well with the 5000 words - you CAN do it!!!

Best wishes xx

[Mudskipper]

Hi there
I feel like I exist almost entirely in the moment. Planning ahead even as far as the end of the week seems ridiculously optimistic at best and asking for trouble as worst. There are plenty of things in my life I should feel positive about and be looking forward to, but I just can't. The black dog follows me everywhere...
Sorry I can't be more help but be assured you're not alone.

[Callisto]

Hi there
I feel like I exist almost entirely in the moment. Planning ahead even as far as the end of the week seems ridiculously optimistic at best and asking for trouble as worst. There are plenty of things in my life I should feel positive about and be looking forward to, but I just can't. The black dog follows me everywhere...
Sorry I can't be more help but be assured you're not alone.

I feel exactly the same. It's horrible.

I've found hanging out with friends, reading, talking to family, watching some TV is good. Anything that distracts. Sitting with my cat helps as well... it's soothing I find. I also do a lot of online role playing which I find is a great distraction.

[mynameis]

Spot on Callisto, distraction is the key. I come on here when I'm particularly anxious, and within minutes, my train of thought as totally shifted. I hope you managed to get your assignment done Befuddled, usually I break things down & do them piece by piece until I build up some momentum. I hope you realise that you're not alone in feeling like this, there's plenty of us out here ! We don't have all the answers yet, but there are steps to help you. First of all, talk to someone, anyone. Let them know exactly how you're feeling and don't hold back. If you want to cry, just cry your heart out, there's no shame. You've now wrote on this forum, so keep a little diary, that way, you can express exactly how you're feeling without worrying how other people might perceive you. My diary entries started off on 2 a day, simply because I thought I was dying, getting anxious etc and I wanted it known somewhere just how bad I was feeling. I made an entry on Sunday, my 1st for 6 months. I didn't make a concerted effort not to make an entry, it just happened. I dare say if I hadn't have had an hypo that kickstarted my anxiety on Sunday, I wouldn't even have felt the need to make that one. Forgive the lenghth of this message, I just wanted to try get across to you that there is hope, it requires a little determination on your part, but it's there. In the meantime, take comfort that you're not alone, you have the support & understanding of everybody on this board. Also, don't think you're going insane or suchlike, this is just a blip, you will get better ! I sincerely hope you feel like your old self very soon.