existential terror/anxiety/depression or death anxiety

[ekram]

What's funny for me is that Death is the only thing that I do not fear! Figure that one out. I am also going through Benzo withdrawal which has as one of it's symptoms: Existential angst. I fear more living and something bad happening, maybe losing control of my life and get swept away by its random powerful forces. Or living a life of unhappiness and failure. A fear of lacking that necessary constitution that would prevent me from being overwhelmed by life.

[Pferony]

I have an intense, existential fear of death as well. I've had it since I was six years old; I am much older now. Perhaps it is related to Aspergers, or perhaps it is related to my dad's behavior-altering brain cancer that began when I was six and only ended several years ago when he succumbed to it. I tell myself and others that I am agnostic with respect to spirituality and religion, although, if pressed, I will admit that I actively disbelieve in faith.

It's a crippling terror. It usually strikes at night and the frequency varies from once a month to several times a day. So far, I have not found a way to fully quell the fear, or even a way to successfully relate the feeling to those who do not understand it. No one I know understands it.

Therapy, ssris, mindfulness, exercise, friendship, romance, and family do not help. Drinking helps. Ativan helps. Spending time in nature helps. Staring into the fire, or at the ocean also helps me; there is a peacefulness there. Pets are really helpful too.

I've found Ernest Becker's Denial of Death to be wonderfully validating, though not all that helpful.

Sometimes I'm comforted, for some probably idiosyncratic reason, by this metaphor:

Your life is a book: there is a beginning cover, and there is an ending cover. You cannot change that, otherwise it would not be a book. As a human full of hope and free will, you get to decide which incredible, wonderful, meaningful, lovely words and stories will fit within the pages in between.

Maybe this will help someone with similar neuroses. For those who have talked about a terror of reality--on top of the terror of death--I think your terrors are beyond me in the same way that my psychoses appear to be beyond those around me. I am sorry (although, selfishly, glad) that I cannot comprehend your fear.

[etipi]

Hi Eve555,
As i remember i was watching Woody Allen, Hannah and his sister's in ~88-89, i was relaxed to see that someone had the same experience like me. Seeing your post again reminded me that.