having a very bad time

[eveanna]

Hey guys.
man, it's a bad night for me. I just broke up with my lovely, gorgeous and wonderful partner because the thoughts of hurting children became too much to bear and I felt I had to let him go as I didn't think I could ever have children. I am a shadow of the person I once knew - bright and healthy, loved children, fun and happy.
I miss my boyfriend already but I didn't feel I could take the pressure of expectation anymore. Plus I told my Mum about my thoughts tonight - mum and I are really close - and I think she thought I was completely nuts. she went for a "walk" and then came back in upset. It made me so sad. I am so close to giving up - I know this is self-pity but I have honestly put up a fight for so long and can't stand feeling like an immoral person or an evil person because of the doubts that circle my mind. and the reaction of mum was such a let-down...i don't know what to do.
does anyone else here have doubts that they just can't let go, and the more they worry about them, the more evidence there seems to be that it really is something they WANT to do? it scares the living crap out of me!!
thanks for listening....

[gtrgrl3369]

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I have had OCD for about as many years as I have been alive and even though my though process has changed alot I know exactly where you are coming from. Remember that with this thoughts are just that, they are thoughts. Have you ever acted on them before? As far as pressure of being perfect or anything else goes, who needs it. No one is. Having these thoughts do not make you evil or immoral. They make you human. Most people in the world have similar thoughts as us but we tend to focus on them because that is how our brains are wired. I have had those same thoughts as you. If I have watched a news program about a mother who killed her kids all that goes through my head is "what if". I have 2 teenage girls and have never even struck them. As far as your mom goes, sometimes people cant understand why we cant just turn these things off. It is harder said than done. I know it can be done though because I dont pay mine any attention anymore. Have patience with her. Sometimes we scare people. I think you need to have a long talk with your mate and tell him how you are feeling about all this. It might make you feel better too. Take care honey and write me if I can help, I have been there and done all of it.

[eveanna]

Thank you so much for your kind words. No, I have never acted on any bad thoughts and that does serve as a comfort. Perhaps there's a light in all of this. Mum apologised later and said she was just upset that I was going through such pain....what a relief! i come from a perfectionistic family which I guess could be part of the problem. I have resolved to work on my self esteem and think really positively about my future.....
thank you so much xxx have a wonderful week!

[keepemlaughing]

My thoughts are with you also. Are you under a doctor's care? Have you spoken to a professional about these irrational thoughts? It may be more prevalent than you know.
Just know you have friends here who will listen anytime.
Take care,
Sheryl

[ade]

i am so very sorry this has led to you losing your beau,how can i reassure you that you will not act on these thoughts,you suffer such crippling guilt and distress ,which are the very emotions that paedophiles LACK .it is the lack of these that allows them to abuse whilst believing its the childs fault.believe me,i know.and i just want to send you my love and let you know if you ever want to rant or rage then pm me and it will be kindly recieved

stay safe and believe your heart,not these tyrants of thoughts
ade x