Chickened out last minute! Disgusted in myself!

[lostcause84]

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling really down today. Had a lecture late this afternoon and I convinced myself I was going to go! It's a 1.5 hour bus journey from my house to the university and all the way here I mentally prepped myself! And what do I do when I get here? I chicken out big style and now I'm sat in the library reading the lecture notes on the university intranet! Last minute jitters had me in the toilet trying to calm myself down but it was no good. I couldn't go. I feel like such a failure. And I don't know how I am going to go to my next lecture either! The lecturer emailed me to question my attendance over the last 3 lectures and I spun him some story about being poorly with bronchitis (which wasn't a full lie - I have had it, but not for 3 weeks!!) and I told him I was all better and that I would see him on Monday...now what am I gonna say? He's gonna think I am a timewaster! I can't believe I have done this! 25 yr old and I am acting like a 5 yr old! What a complete idiot! I just don't know what to do! This is my last chance at uni....I mucked it up first time, took 4 yrs out and I'm trying again! I managed to get through my first year - with minimum attendance but now the 2nd year are much stricter with attendance and my anxiety/phobias/panic attacks are getting worse! I just feel like gving up right now! I'm not gonna, but that's just how I feel.

Incoherent rant over!

[Oceanblue]

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling really down today. Had a lecture late this afternoon and I convinced myself I was going to go! It's a 1.5 hour bus journey from my house to the university and all the way here I mentally prepped myself! And what do I do when I get here? I chicken out big style and now I'm sat in the library reading the lecture notes on the university intranet! Last minute jitters had me in the toilet trying to calm myself down but it was no good. I couldn't go. I feel like such a failure. And I don't know how I am going to go to my next lecture either! The lecturer emailed me to question my attendance over the last 3 lectures and I spun him some story about being poorly with bronchitis (which wasn't a full lie - I have had it, but not for 3 weeks!!) and I told him I was all better and that I would see him on Monday...now what am I gonna say? He's gonna think I am a timewaster! I can't believe I have done this! 25 yr old and I am acting like a 5 yr old! What a complete idiot! I just don't know what to do! This is my last chance at uni....I mucked it up first time, took 4 yrs out and I'm trying again! I managed to get through my first year - with minimum attendance but now the 2nd year are much stricter with attendance and my anxiety/phobias/panic attacks are getting worse! I just feel like gving up right now! I'm not gonna, but that's just how I feel.

Incoherent rant over!

I don't think you're an idiot or a time waster, and I'm certain your tutor will also feel just this, as i'm sure he/she has come across others suffering with just the same. We're all human.

In situations like this, I think it's best to be honest. Try and have a private chat with your Tutor and explain your feelings, I understand it can be hard as I too went through just the same.
But only when they're aware of situations like this, they will try and help you out in the best way possible. When things are left, they have no explanation other than to think that the student isn't interested.

You have been trying your very best and we know that because you've explained here. Try and have a talk with your Tutor, although very worrying (no doubt understandably so), they will take into account your feelings, promise you.

If you're finding it too painful to talk, you can always write a letter. They'll appreciate that just as much.

All the best

[Karen]

I agree with Katie. I don't think you have anything to beat yourself up over and I am sure if your tutor or someone at uni knew the situation something could be sorted out for you. People are often a lot more understanding than you think and I'm sure you are not the first student with anxiety and panic they've had there.

Why not try to speak to your lecturer or a student adviser, or email someone if that would be easier.

I think you are brave to get this far

Karen xx

[freakedout]

Hi

I would definately agree with these replies. You are very brave attempting Uni again, and are so worried that you will find yourself back in the position you were in previously - when you mucked up - as you say.

I can totally appreciate how you feel, I really struggled with Uni, I fled the lectures many times to hide in the loo, and really worked myself up before hand on the journey and walking into the building. It is horrendous and I really feel for you. Having said that I am sure that you will feel a huge sense of relief if you can speak to your tutor. you needn't go into too much detail but if you did explain some of your anxieties and how much it affects how you feel at uni I am sure he will empathise and support you. At the end of the day lecturers and teachers want to see their students succeed and there is support out there if you can pluck up the courage to take the first step and talk to someone.

I really wish you the very best of luck with this. Hang on in there, dont give up and if you want to PM me feel free.

Freaky

[lostcause84]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I have my first counselling appt today and I am really nervous about it! I have made a list of things on paper that I want to say and I am going to try and email my tutors today to let them know what is happening. I guess the reason I haven't told them is because I am terrified of hearing something along the lines of "that's your problem Kate, we don't care WHY you don't attend...we just want you here otherwise we will de-register you from the module. Now stop bothering me with your insecurities, grow up and get yourself to lectures" - now is that just me being paranoid? I just can't get over the thought of the lecturers not wanting to bother themselves with the worries of students. I'm just a statistic. Another face in the crowd.

Also, the counselling thing, I'm just at a loss as to what they can do. Just say I manage to tell them everything...and everything is, in a nutshell that I can't speak to people i don't know, I get panic attacks at the thought of going to seminars, I can't get on a bus if it's full - meaning I am late for everything, I stutter when I talk which brings on a panic attack, I constantly worry about what I have said, I am constantly concentrating on not being sick (very much in a nutshell). When I've told him/her all of that, where can I go from there? There is nothing else I want to talk about. I had a great childhood, nothing OVERLY traumatic has ever happened to me, I'm in a loving relationship. Sure, I've had my ups and downs...but hasn't everyone? If all counsellors do is listen then I'm not sure I've anything to tell.

I'm sorry, this post is probably full of self pity. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this so please don't think that I think that....I just...argh, I dunno.............

ps - I have just talked myself in to feeling more anxious about the appt. Great!

[pk]

I was exactly the same from my second year of university onwards, avoided tutorials and lectures, worked from home, only went out when I knew I could get drunk and feel more comfortable around people.

In my final year when things got really bad I finally went and spoke to my tutors about it - and I just wish I'd done it earlier! They were very understanding, gave up their own time to allow me to have one-on-ones rather than tutorials, and gave me some really good advice about going to counselling etc (which, like a fool, I completely ignored - but it was good advice nonetheless!)

Letting them know about it is definitely the best course of action, hope the counselling went well!

[Tony1980]

Hi,
I had similar feelings to yourself at university. Outside the lecture theatres, I was generally OK speaking with friends, yet when the lecture began, obviously people stop talking and you have to concentrate on the lecture and the notes. As I am generally very self conscious, feelings start to creep in that people were looking at me and the social anxiety I was diagnosed with by my counsellor this year reared it's head time after time in the lecture theatres. I would start to breath hold (I didn't want to do this, it just happened), became hot and bothered, had feelings of dread, started to think I would faint or somehow make a show of myself in front of everyone etc...
I also made the problem of "clock-watching" which was a very bad thing as it only exacerbated the feelings of dread.

I understand why you said you didn't want to attend the lecture, yet the advice here of going to see your tutor and actually expressing why you haven't been attending is probably the best course of action. Panic / Social anxiety practically ruined my academic career and I wish I'd have sought help earlier, both in University and outside, and I wouldn't wish my experience on anybody else. Fortunately, I came out of Uni with a 2:2, yet I believe I could have achieved higher without my panic attacks / social anxiety getting in the way. The University should understand how you're feeling and be very accommodating to you if you do say what's causing you to miss lectures etc.

Tony

[Shaky]

Your story is very similar to mine. I had about an hours journey to get to uni where i would psych myself up, i passed my 1st and second year with minimal attendance (attended about 10 lectures a year) as all the lectures were online i read them and would go to the local library and use the internet for back up. But on my third year i had to conduct a study and write a 10,000 word dissatation which required being at uni daily and i couldnt cope and dropped out. I regret not finishing my degree. I was studying psychology and all my lecturers were leaders in their field many being dr's and certified therapists yet i still never discussed it with any of them. My university even had its own therapist you could contact 24 hrs a day yet i never took it up.

I got a letter from my final year tutor who asked if there was a reason i never finished my course and 'dropped of the face of the earth' I called her up and explained my situation and we've discussed me coming back to finish my final year with all the support i could ask for.

Please talk to your tutor, they can help you and guide you and will stop you regretting not fininshing later on, you have nothing to lose.