sudden suicidal thoughts

[amu]

Hi all. As I have posted elsewhere I'm living with health anxiety and I haven't told my GP about it, apart from some random hints. I did go to a private psychiatrist a couple of times a few years back, who said that my underlying problem is depression, which is causing the anxiety, but I stopped going when she wanted to put me on medication. I've been trying to cope alone since - in good times it's working, in bad times it's not.

Anyway, I've been feeling down lately because of my anxiety and I also struggle with other parts of life sometimes. The other day my boyfriend and I had a huge fight, can't recall what it was about, all I remember is the feeling of hopelessness and despair I felt and the unfairness of the whole thing, and I stormed out, went to the kitchen, where I saw a knife and thought it would be so easy to cut myself and make everything better quickly. I have thought about things like this before but then I always concluded that I couldn't hurt myself because I'd be conscious of the pain, but this time I wanted it and didn't care about the pain, just wanted to finish it quickly. Then I thought about my son in the next room and felt guilty, cried and felt better and this rush of feelings disappeared.

Now I'm a bit scared of myself and I feel guilty and think either that I am one of those attention seekers and it makes me feel ashamed, or that I could genuinely kill myself if I have another sudden thought - I don't think about suicide, it was just that moment and I wonder what would have happened if I was alone in the flat at the time.

My paternal grandmother committed suicide at the age of 60 and my Mum's brother killed himself when he was 21. I know I should tell someone but that thought makes me anxious - what if my boyfriend and I split up one day and he takes our son because I am a danger to myself, etc... help me pls

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Amu,

It is always anxious to open up to people about our thoughts but you have already done so on here so that is a great first step. Due to the fact that two close family members have gone through with their "thoughts" if I were you I would definately go to my doctor and tell him your family's history, your depression and go to counseling with a professional. If they think medication would help for awhile you might try it. You have a son to think of and I can tell from your post how much you love him and you have his care utmost on your mind.

All thoughts do not turn into actions, but saying that, I think you will feel better getting some assistance with your depression. You have done a great job so far on your own and now I think it is time to lift the burden off of your heavy shoulders. Have a . You are very brave. By the way, if you have these thoughts again before you can get to a doctor, please call the Samaritans for assistance, they will help. You can pm me for their number if you need it.

Take care,

Laura

[PUGLETMUM]

these thoughts are awful arent they? i get them regarding harming my daughter and it can be a nightmare at times. i agree though with everything belle has said - these are thoughts only, and almost everyone gets them (irrational thoughts) but my experience is that because your mood is lowered they are particularly distressing for you, yiou feel that you will just lose the plot and act out these thoughts? well the fact that you are scared to feel them is good not bad, but its how to stop them from bothering you really tha tyou need help with and also like the others have said your depression can be treated or helped. because you have had family members commit suicide you will also i would think need help with this? to see that what they did was not the right choice? suicide is not the way to deal with how you feel - you can and will get better. and yes i have also had suicidal thoughts many many times - it is a symptom of depression. good to know because almost everyone who is depressed also suffers with them and you can and will recover from depression, it doesnt last. keep talking, tc, emma

[Karen]

Hi Amu

I think you have taken a big step by telling us on here about your thoughts and that was obviously a big step for you to take.

I'm no expert, just a fellow sufferer of depression, anxiety and OCD (among other things) but what struck me was that you were scared of your thoughts and the consequences of acting on them and to me that suggests that you are less likely to act them out. People have thoughts about all kinds of things like someone might be at the top of a high storey building and suddenly wonder what it would be like to open the window and jump, or standing near the edge of a cliff and step off, or be driving and wonder what it would be like to just let the car veer off the road. Has anyone ever had any of those thoughts?

To some of us they might be scary but at the same time something stops us from actually acting on any of them.

I think it is a good idea if you can summon the courage to see your doctor and ask for some help with the depression and anxiety. I can understand your unwillingness to take medication, but have you tried therapy? Perhaps you could ask to be referred to see someone instead.

From my perspective the difference between worrying obsessive thoughts and the risk of self harm and/or suicide is that someone who self harms doesn't stop at the thoughts and isn't scared of them. I self harm, sometimes by cutting and I do have the guilt feelings afterwards but at the time all I want is a relief of the emotional pain I am feeling. I don't feel anything else, can't focus anything else.

I've felt suicidal at time too and the same goes for that. I do worry about people I would leave behind but when I feel suicidal I am more concerned about finding an effective way of making sure it works. So you see, the fact you are frightened of carrying it out I think shows you don't really want to do it. You are scared of it and it is a way of asking for help.

You are among friends here

Karen xx

[Nibbles]

Hi Amu,

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time at the moment and I hope you feel better soon. I agree with everything Southern Belle says and I think it's very good advice. Obviously it's very difficult to summon the courage to seek help but to me your post if full of underlying strength which can give you the courage. You may also be interested to know that you can email the Samaritans if you feel they could help but feel talking on the phone unnerving. The details are here.

Take care,

Mike

[amu]

Thank you for your help guys. I feel better today and thanks Karen you might be right about how I'm not lkely to do it as I felt guilt when I thought about it. To be honest I pictured my family finding me afterwards and what if my son comes in first - I guess that I took the time to think this through must mean I'm normal.
Southern Belle you're right, I need to talk to my doctor about this but when I'm there I'm too embarrassed and at that moment I feel that my problem isn't big enough and maybe I'm overdramatising it - I know this is stupid and might be another sign of depression, but that's how I feel.
Emma I had OCD when I was a kid and I used to have thoughts around harming people which made me cry into the night but that was slightly different, I can't really say in what way. Maybe that time I immediately felt guilty and awful about it torturing myself but this time it felt almost "good"...
but today has been ok and thanks for all your replies. Might save an emergency number to call just n case.

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Amu,

I'm glad you are feeling better today and that is encouraging. I always write down ahead of time what I want to discuss with the doctor because I feel like my problems sometimes don't matter or I also just plain forget. With it all written down I can just read it from my paper and it makes it much easier. I hope you continue to feel better and do get to the doctor.

Best wishes,

Laura

[Karen]

Hi Amu

I am glad you've had a better day today

It's good that the thought of your loved ones can give you hope and a reason to find a way to get through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Laura's suggestion of writing things down that you might want to ask a doctor is a good one. I often do that as and when I think of something as sometimes my mind goes blank once I get to the appointment.

Thinking of you and I hope tomorrow is another better day

Karen xx

[PUGLETMUM]

hi amu, like the others im also glad you are feeling better but i think you are right in your feeling that not 'bothering' the doctor is part of depression - or it could just be that at this time you are not ready to tackle these feelings, and thats ok too. we all do this journey with depression/anxiety at our own pace, what feels right for me now may not be right for you? who knows? but atleast you always have someone on here to bounce your thoughts/ideas/fears off? in the mean-time, tc, emma