Relationship Anxiety

[benmanns]

Hi all,

First of all, I hope I've found the right place to put this!

Ok, I guess I should tell you a little about me and my background...

I'm a 23 year old fun loving guy. I love my family and my friends and love to go out and have a good time. I'm a very happy person and always look for the positives rather the negatives.

I never suffer with anxiety in general (apart from when I took my driving test and it took me 5 times to pass ), but every time I meet a new girl and enter into a relationship with her, I suffer terribly.

What makes it worse this time, is I've met the most unbelievable girl. She's the same age as me and is absolutely brilliant. We've only been together for a couple of weeks and of course I'm not in love with her yet or anything like that, but nonetheless, she blows me away! She's funny, kind hearted, sweet, cheerful, outgoing and we have sooo much in common. Every day since I've met her I've woke up with a smile on my face!

Suffering with anxiety when I meet a new girl is something I've always had a little bit of a problem with. I'm not sure why - maybe because the last few haven't worked out too well I guess. It's nothing about my upbringing either as my parents have always shared a very happy marriage and I've been extremely lucky in that department. Furthermore, I'm extremely strong willed - every girl I have liked that hasn't worked out too well for whatever reason I've always got over pretty quickly. I.e. "Ah well, it wasn't meant to be" or "ah well, I'll just get back to going out with my mates all the time now" or "ah well, I was happy before I met her and I'll be happy again". With this in mind (how easily I can get over things) it kind of makes me wonder why I worry about losing anyone anyway? I.e. If you know you can deal with the worst case scenario, then why worry about it happening?! Either way I still do!

The exact problem I have is as follows:

I cover EVERY scenario in my head!!

- If she hasn't text me back in x amounts of minutes - what is every single reason why this might be? (Good and bad) Is she busy or is she losing interest? Etc

- If she even misses a kiss of the end of a text (pathetic I know!) - again, I cover everything this could potentially mean

- If she can't see me one night (not that I want to see her every night anyway as I'm more than happy to have time to myself or with my mates!) - why can't she see me? Does she not want to?

It's always a negative thought too - never a positive one. If I ever try and put a positive spin on things, I quickly counter it with a negative thought/outcome! It does my head in.

Why can't I just enjoy it for what it is? We had a fantastic weekend together and I'm sure she likes me, but it's almost like, through fear of losing her I imagine she will leave me so that it doesn't hurt as much when (see I'm doing it again)... IF... she actually does. The worst part is, I know that this doesn't help my chances of it lasting. Because when I get these thoughts, I get negative and a bit down/depressed and am not my usual bubbly happy self. Furthermore, I start feeling sorry for myself and almost get to the point where I want to sabotage things just to prove a point that I was right about her not liking me (i.e. pick an argument). I really want to learn how to stop over-analysing every situation and stop panicking about thinking I will lose her. I'm absolutely fine when I'm in her company, but a few hours later or the next day etc all those memories about how good things seemed to be when we were with each other suddenly feel like distant memories and the worry creeps in again.

I can't decide whether it's worth telling her about this problem I have. The reason I'm not sure I should tell her is I don't want her to think I'm some kind of freak or maybe scare her off by making her think I'm always going to be worrying etc. Furthermore, the things I want to hear her say may be things she's not ready to tell me or feels comfortable saying right now. I.e. a simple "don't be silly - I really like you and have no intention of going anywhere at the moment" would really, really help things right now. But if I ask her and she doesn't really say anything, I'd probably come out of the conversation feeling worse than when I went into it!

Is there anybody else who suffers in this way and has learnt how to help deal with this problem?

Thank-you to anyone who can help... I just want to be happy and enjoy my time with what seems to be a truly amazing girl.

Ben x

[marie1974]

hiya Ben and awwwwwwwww bless i luvved reading about your little almost nearly a love story hehe.

well i know wot u mean cos i have been the same as u with regards to reading into everything far to much, but i think if u really like this lovely lady than i would b honest from the start, cos thats always a good thing.

then once u got that out the way, have some fun matey and try to just go with the flow, just remember that she will have off days, busy days, stressful days etc etc and mayb b alittle forgetful or not as thoughtful as normal or as patient or how she would normally b, but it dont mean its because of u, its just day to day occurances and situations etc etc.

try and just b yourself and u sound so happy at moment try and ignore your bad thoughts and go by how she is with u in general.
hugsxxxxxxxxxx

[samc100]

Hi Ben

She sounds lovely and so do you. I personally would hold back telling her the full details at the moment about your anxiety and the pattern you have with relationships but it might be worth giving her a little warning that you are pants dating girls but you do genuinely enjoy her company and like her alot. Reassure her that you are having great fun being with her.

I used to pick arguments and holes in relationships and its' a horrible habit to break but I think you have to just take it all a day at a time. Take the pressure off yourself and just try to enjoy it for the moment. If you are out at the cinema or pub just focus on enjoying the film or the chat and do not think about the next day or the week after etc...


It's almost like you are wanting some words of committment before you both know each well enough. You might get bored of her in a few months!! So keep yourself holding back abit.

Remember - she'll be going through the giddiness of meeting someone she likes too and she doesn't know if there is a future in this relationship or not..

[Cherbear]

Aww it sounds like you have found someone amazing Tell her how you feel and that you suffer from anxiety, she will understand and then you would have got it off your chest. Maybe when she knows it will ease it off of you a bit. The beginning of a relationship is meant to be the most exciting part!

I suffer from extreme anxiety and I told my boyfriend early on about it all as I was doing the same things as you, analysing every text, why he didn't put kisses etc etc. I was the queen of irrational thoughts! Now I try not to worry about those sorts of things because they are just texts, it's what the person says to you that counts. Anyway I told him all about, got it off my chest and over 2 years later we're still very much loved up We both understand eachother.

You can do it! xx

[benmanns]

First of all, thank-you for such lovely replies - they really cheered me up.

Unfortunately though, today I've woken up feeling terrible. I actually feel like I'm going to throw up! I'm almost tempted to ask to go home from work because I feel so bad and I am struggling to concentrate... but I know that if I go home, I'll only feel worse as it will be all I can think about.

I hate being this way! Why can't I just enjoy relationships from the off like my mates can? Or produce that kind of "I'm not that bothered" front which seems to make a girl more interested in you? I guess a part of it stems from the fact that I really know what I want - what kind of person I'm looking for. I've been single for a year. To be fair, there have been other offers/opportunities but it just hasn't been right - I know that they're not the type of person I want to be with and hence, I don't want to waste their time or my time. With this girl though, I knew from day one she was exactly what I wanted. The problem is though, because I am so fussy and sure about what I want, when I find it in a person, I can't help but fall in head-first. I hate it as I know it will probably only scare them off or it will mean that despite only a little time passing, because I'll get attached quickly, even if it doesn't work out I'm still going to be really hurt.

Last weekend we spent the most fantastic weekend together. Lots of kissing, cuddling... looking into each other's eyes - it really was magical and I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt like that... if ever.

However, despite seeing her for a couple of hours on Tuesday, since then things seem to have died down. She's not texting me as much and it's usually me who sends the first text. Furthermore, we were going to spend some time together tonight, but she cancelled on me yesterday. I'm trying not to be too negative about her cancelling though as it may have been that she did genuinely forget she had other plans. But take last night for instance, I text her in the evening and she took ages to reply - fair enough - but then I sent another back, she replied, I then sent one more and... nothing. Now, it was about 10:20pm but we had always text to say goodnight to each other and now, for two nights in a row she hasn't. I know how pathetic that sounds, I really honestly do - but I can't help but read into it.

It may all be in my head - with anxiety like this I know that could well be the case. But it DEFINITELY feels like she's cooled her interest at least a bit and baring in mind I suffer with anxiety like this, it really isn't helping things.

I'm scared to ask her what it is/what's going on as I don't want to scare her off by thinking I'm some kind of physco stalker or whatever or put pressure on her to make her think this is something ultra serious if she isn't ready. To be fair, I'm not even saying it's something ultra serious - I know I'm not in love with her, I just like her a lot and very rarely find someone I really, really like.

Something that might be worth mentioning, is that the night we first hit it off, we had a few drinks and she said to me things along the lines of "you'll get bored of me" and "I'm not going to give you my heart"... I want to believe that she's pushing me away because she's scared herself... but I don't think that's the case. I mean, if I had been playing hard to get then I could understand it, but all I've said is nice things to her and I don't think I could make it any clearer that I really like her.

Arrrrgh I don't know what to do! I hate this! I don't know why I bother with relationships?! I mean, I thought they should make you happy? For me, I spend 5% of the time unbelievably happy and the other 95% of the time feeling physically sick with worry. I tell myself "look Ben, just enjoy it!!!"... but I can't. I feel like ending it because I hate feeling this rubbish but I really, REALLY don't want to lose her if it was all in my head and she actually liked me all along.

I've decided I'm not going to email her at work today... I'll let her email me. If she doesn't then I'll be 99% sure she's not interested and prepare for the worst. But I'm worried that if she does, it's still going to be a "we need to talk" message...

Oh god

[marie1974]

hi mate, sounds like from wot she has said, that she has mayb been hurt too and is a little anxious like u r.

matey she is working and if she dont answer then mayb she is busy, there are lots of reasons that has nothing to do with u why she may not get back to u.

please try and relax alittle cos it sounds like u r both happy with each other, u def cant rely on texting as things can b interpreted in the wrong way.

i think u 2 are at a lovely stage at the moment so please go with the flow and stop worrying otherwise u will end up frightening her away.

i bet things will work out just fine hun xxx

[janeybaby25]

Hi Ben, All I can say is I wish they were more blokes in the world like you! If she is taking a while to reply, it might be that she feels so comfortable with you, she doesn't feel like she has to straight away. I mean, when I was first with my man we used to all the time & I was straight on the text's & emails but now we still do that but it doesn't matter if we don't do it straight away. Ok, we have been together for 6yrs but it's good that maybe she feels so comfortable with you. Don't prepare yourself for the worse. To be honest if I was you on your next weekend together I would tell her you suffer from anxiety, if she is right for you then she will understand & it won't put her off. Just tell her you get really nervous at start of reletionships & its only cos you think she is so amazing & beautuful and you really want it work out. Oh & don't worry about the driving test thing, it took me 7 times to pass!!!! lol PM me if you want to talk love & best of luck with your new reletionship. xxx

[benmanns]

Thank-you again for some more lovely replies. I'm delighted I've found this site where like-minded people can offer support

I've calmed down a little since I posted earlier this morning (mainly due to the kind replies from yourselves). It’s still there nagging deep within, but I'm trying to keep positive and put on a happy front.

The biggest scare for me is that my intuition has always been spot on. It doesn’t help, that when faced with this situation twice before, I've been negative but re-assured myself things will be ok… only to find out my negative thoughts were in fact absolutely spot on and things had ended up as I had feared.

I guess I fear that if I tell myself these worries are just me being silly, if it turns out I was right (again) I'll be heartbroken having got my hopes up that things were actually fine. The thing is, I know deep down that I'll be heartbroken whether I prepare myself for it or not (and therefore why not just wait and see what happens), but it’s like a defence mechanism that I can’t control – I just always expect the worse when it comes to relationships.

I know that if she is the sort of person I want to be with/am meant to be with, that if I sit down with her and tell her the problem and my worries, it won’t ruin things. However, there’s still that nagging thought about “but what if it does?!” and “what if I had just kept my mouth shut, things may have actually worked out ok and we’d still be together”. I don’t want to be left regretting or fearing that I may have ballsed it up for myself. It also doesn’t help that it is EXTREMELY early days… she might be put off thinking I'm taking things way too fast. I have no problems whatsoever with how fast or slow we take things – no problem at all. I just want re-assurance that she wants to see me and be with me and is definitely interested in me – because I just can’t help but feel she’s losing interest. The problem as well is, she may not be ready to say the things I want to hear, and trying to pressure her into saying them may actually scare her off. It feels like a lose-lose situation!

I know I just have to see what happens. The trouble is I get thoughts like:

1. Ok, so she seems like she’s backing off. Back off a bit yourself:
However, this makes me worried, because backing off is that last thing I want to do! And if it ends up putting her off I will have huge regret that I did it, because it wasn’t really what I wanted to do anyway.
2. Ask her exactly how she feels:
See last proper paragraph in the main post above.
3. Play hard to get:
May work an absolute treat, but if it ruins things I'll hate myself as I don’t really want to play hard to get – I just want to be happy and with her.

Anyway, in a round about way, I think I know deep down now what I have to do (and please correct me if I'm wrong). I have to be who I am and, more importantly, behave how I NATURALLY behave. If we’re meant to be together, if I do that then everything will work out? Is that right? Or do girls need to be kept a LITTLE on their toes – even if they REALLY like a guy just so that things don’t get boring?

If I do need to keep her on her toes a little, maybe you could give me some tips/suggestions on how to best go about doing this, as I've never “played games” before. I guess this isn’t as extreme as playing games anyway – it’s just to literally keep her on her toes.

Well, let me know what you think.

Thank-you for such wonderful support – it really means a lot

Ben x

[marie1974]

hi hun, well being a girly hehe, i would say girls hate games, i had a few guys that have done that, mainly because of there insecurities and we do see through that and it ends up ruining the relationship.

wot u said about being completely yourself and being natural is spot on, cos i would hate to kinda pretend and get 6 months or more into the relationship and realise you r having more problems because u r not being yourself.

u may b right about intuition etc, but sometimes we have to take a gamble on this and go for it, it seems like from wot u have said at moment its all good, so find a good moment and tell her u really like her and wanna have fun with her and have a laugh etc, nothing to heavy but say u feel u want to b straight with her because u like her alot, and just tell her your anxieties etc, she may help to put your mind at ease and help u to act more naturally around her and not worry if texts dont come back straight away or if she dont email u etc, u will just think, ok she busy im sure she will get back to me when she can.

i been with my partner for 16 yrs and i was 18 when we met, my best advice would b, b honest, have a laugh and always always communicate with each other.

hugs xxxxxxxx

[starlady]

Hi ben.........Been reading your story and what i think of it is You really like this person and dont know weather im right in saying but you sound a bit scared to get too involved that something may happen to mess it up. Iv been single for 3 yrs......yes 3 haha through my own choice after being in an 8 yr relationship. I have been on dates though they dont last as long as they should as i feel to scared to commit and start thinking thoughts like what if im not good enough or what if i get hurt e.t.c. The thing is i like a man to chase me and do all the work and i know that might be harsh but i like to see if the man is intrested enough. People may think im playing mind games or messing with emotions but that is the way i am now after being hurt before. Men have said i have a wall around me and i wont let them in, that is true........i wont allow myself to get to involved with anyone. My son has even said [mum why dont you get a boyfriend] haha. I want to but im not letting myself through fear. If you really like this woman you can either tell her how you feel... insecurities and all and risk the outcome and get on with things the way you know how...or not allow her to know and carry on the way you are. I wouldent like you to end up like me 3 yrs down the line and the wall getting bigger with more bricks piling up. Hope you make the right decision. Take care Angie x