telling friends and family... or not??

[hm1177]

I have been suffering from health anxiety since 2007 but have only recently acknowledged it for myself. I havent had a diagnosis from GP (am building up to that one) and I havent told my partner or other family or friends. I keep trying to tell him but when I go to the words just dont come. He's a great bloke, we've been together 9 years and have 2 kids but I just don't think he'll understand this. He's very black and white and the type to say pull yourself together. I don't want him thinking I'm crazy or worse that I'm just making it all up for attention or whatever. Anyway is anyone else keeping it all to themselves? I also have no wish to tell my friends or parents. I'm a very private person anyway but to be honest I feel so alone with it all and am so grateful to have found this site!

[gtrgrl3369]

There is nothing worse than feeling alone with this. Maybe you could show your mate this site and let him see what is going on. It is better to have support when you are going through something as tough as this. I did tell everyone I knew in case I needed them to be there when I had an attack. I dont want people feeling sorry for me, just someoone to sit with me until it passes. It is your decision to make. If you are a private person, maybe letting your mate know only might help. Take care honey, you will work it out.

[amu]

I see what you mean. My boyfriend is similarly a "pull yourself together" person, one that deep down doesn't believe in psychologic care and for him mental illness is something like schizophrenia, and he is very sceptical about everyday mental problems like depression, anxiety and panic.
However after a while it becomes obvious that you worry too much about your health and my boyfriend, for example, can see that this is not quite right. I gently nudge him in the right direction by telling him I have anxiety, and the health thing is a symptom of me not feeling quite right, but this whole thing is too unfamiliar to him for me to tell him everything about this illness and showing him this site. This is very hard for me, I'd love to be able to share it with him and talk to him about it. I talk to my Mum a bit more, but she doesn't really get it either. She thinks I'm depressed or that my relationship with my boyfriend isn't good and that's why it's happening, but this is not the case as I had issues already when I was a child.
So I find comfort in this site too...

[panic123321]

I've never made a more important decision in my life then telling my friends and family about my condition. My girlfriend is the single biggest help in my life right now. She knows just what to say to make me feel better. I know that it must be so annoying always having to help someone but we discuss that too and I've become less of a moaner now and it's helped me a huge amount.

If your other half doesn't understand then your parents can be just as helpful. I've actually stopped panicking mid panic attack because of something my Mother said. Being alone with this is what ruins peoples lives. You need to embrace it and maybe even laugh about it. I think back on the horrendous stuff I was convinced was wrong with me after seeing the smallest pimple on my skin and I think it's hilarious. It's crazy and now when we go out my friends all say "make sure you have an ambulance on hand in case you want a quick escape" lol.

Most of this stuff is all in our mind and we need to realise that. If you're really worried about something go see a doctor. Other than that just relax. Worrying about something that hasn't happened yet means you get a double dose of awful. If it actually happens then you have all that time you spent worrying plus having to deal with the problem. If it never happens then you wasted your time worrying.

Anyway, long post I know but thought it might help. Later dudes!

P.

[helen26]

the only person i have told is my partner, we have always been close and tell each other everything. it is hard because i have always been so optimistic about health worrys, i still am with other people! its hard for my partner to get his head round what i am now suffering, he says its breaks his heart to c me like it, but he is the only one that i can have a good cry with and tell him my worries. he always says that i am ok, and it is in my head, i just wish it could go away, and i could get back to the wonderfull life i had before, where i had no worries at all! i havent told my parents or friends, i want to keep in to myself x

[Quintessence]

It's an interesting question. My childhood was, in this respect, terrible. I developed terrible fears (leukaemia, heart disease, cancers) and sought reassurance from my parents, but my father's a GP, and he just went berserk. Thought I was craving attention, thought I ENJOYED the focus on my health (Ha! I can think of more entertaining things to do than making my own life a misery!). The last time I plucked up the courage to mention something, he ended up throwing seat cushions and shouting 'I never, ever thought my life would come to this!' I decided to stop consulting him.

However, I think friends and (perhaps, if they're very different from mine) family can certainly help a lot, but you have to do it the right way. If your partner is very matter-of-fact, as you say, I think he'll be supportive. I think you'll be surprised how supportive. Matter-of-fact people often surprise us with their, well, matter-of-factness.

I think there's a huge difference between telling your partner about a particular health fear and telling him about a general state of health anxiety that you have acknowledged in yourself. The first one is difficult for someone close to you to deal with. They might not throw seat cushions and totally wreck your personality for you, but they probably won't see things in proportion. The second one is more 'concrete'. It might give him a clear role that he can play in helping you.

I know from the intensity of my own anxiety that it's a powerful force that can separate you from the world. It can also separate you from your loved ones, when the closeness and support of loved ones is exactly what you need. Sharing it might be a good way of starting to turn things around.

But I would suggest keeping clear in your mind what you are telling him: not that you have a particular dread of this or that disease, but that you have a condition called health anxiety. It might not be easy for him to deal with, but it isn't easy, to put it mildly, for you to deal with on your own. Together, you're stronger.

[Nechtan]

Hi,

Ideally you want to get it out in the open. You'll never know their reaction until you do. It might go as you expect or you might be pleasantly surprised- when we are in this state we always hang on to the most negative outcomes which do not always turn out to be the case. Either way you have nothing to lose and can only gain.

It took me long enough to finally realise what was happening to me. Even then it took a good 6 months to finally tell my wife who was getting increasing annoyed at me calling off from things and taking days off work. Eventually I had to tell the rest of the family as I wasn't visiting and I was putting them off visiting. This was not just affecting their perception of me, thinking I wanted nothing to do with them, but also of my wife which was not fair. So for her benefit I told them all and since it had been like a weight off my shoulders. They have been very understanding and now I do not feel the pressure I did before of being forced into situations I didn't want to be in.

I can understand your concerns about your partner. My wife was, and still is, very understanding but I often wonder if I would have been had the roles been reversed. I doubt it. I wasn't very tolerant previous to having panic attacks of people who had illnesses that were not visible. Unless you have experienced it then it is impossible to fully understand the terror you go through. I would suggest as others have that you have something to show him. Print something off if you can explaining exactly what is happening to you or even write about an episode you have had. If you say simply you are suffering from panic attacks then I doubt he will understand. If though he has something to read that describes exactly what you are going through when you have an attack then there will be a better chance of him understanding.

All the best

Nechtan

[sunshine-lady]

I would just like to say that agree with what everyone has said on here, but would also like to add that your partner probably has an idea that something has changed in you recently.

You say that your partner is a great bloke and you obviously have a wonderful relationship, I'm sure he will be more supportive and sympathetic than you think.

Good luck xxxx

[hm1177]

well i bit the bullet and told my bloke about my HA. Well technically I emailed him. I find it hard talking face to face and figured i can write it all down easier. Anyway he said his first thought was that I need a slap and to be told to pull myself together (nice) but he said he doesnt really understand and will try to help and be there for me. Somehow though I feel I will still be going solo. he's just not the type to understand this sort of thing. I do feel a bit better for getting it out in the open but it has made me realise I will definately not be opening up to any other friends or family!