Hiya,

It might sound wierd, but i'm not sure if i have PTSD or just anxiety thats started randomly. I'm sorry this is going to be a really long one!

Let me explain, when i was 17 i started going out with a boy, after about a year or so was when he started getting violent with me. To be honest i can actually remember the first time he hit me, i think it was such a shock. It didnt happen to often and somehow after every time, it managed to get brushed under the carpet.

At 18 he rented a flat and i was to move in with him, which i did. Thats when the violence started properly. Once i was in there with him, i was very quickly cut off from my friends and family, i wasn't allowed out anywhere on my own. The only thing i was allowed to do by myself without being in the house was to take the dog outside for the toilet and even the my boundries were around the small communial gardens, and only when he could keep an eye from the window. He would dissapear all day, keeping me in the house. Occationally we would go to his parents house in the evening, or pop to the shops but that was rare. At some points i didnt leave the front door at all for about 2/3 weeks at a time.

He would call me all sorts and constantly put me down. If he was in a bad mood he would take it out on me by shouting, if i argued back i would be hit, like a warning almost. If i pushed further after that he would get really violent. I was punched, kicked, pinned to the floor, raped, strangled so hard i was coughing up blood, threatened with knives, you name it. I tried to leave a couple of times, just grabbed my hand bag and ran, but i was either persuaded to come back or if i refused phyisically dragged back by my hair.

After about 3 months, i managed to leave. I got back to my parents house, once i was there he couldn't force me back. (and he didnt know where their house was) They live quite far away from where i was living with him, so after millions of phone calls and me changing my number i got him out of my life for good.

At this point i'm sure you're thinking of course you've got PTSD, but after i got back to living with my parents, i felt fine. I led them to believe we just fell out, and pretty soon it was forgotton about. I met my current boyfriend just days after moving back in with my parents, and we got together a few weeks after that. I'll admit at first i did get on edge if we had an argument, even though i know he wouldn't hurt a fly. But i was totally fine for about a year. My anxiety and panic attacks started a year later (a year ago now), so that's why i'm unsure if i have PTSD or not. Surely all this would have started when i was with my ex or soon afterwards? But i can't think of another reason why they would start randomly.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far x