Hello everyone,
This is my 1st post to this wonderful site. I'm not sure, however, under which category my post should be in since it's a mixture of several topics (Panic, OCD, Cardio phobia) as you'd come to see, but since the primary cause of my post is regarding things I "feel" and wanna learn more about, I choose to post under "Symptoms".
Firstly, I'd like to express my thanks to the owners of this site and on my behalf and the many people whom they've helped, willing to help, or whom they've been inspiration for, may God bless you for the wonderful work. You are truly the salt of the earth people, as I can never express the hope and courage you help give to millions of people like us around the world by listening to us, helping us in our most dire of times. For that and many more, thank you.
My problem is simple yet intricate in the sense that to explain it, I have to chronologically explain the sequence of events that happened to me, and a bit of my character which I hope would help you understand my problem more, and in return, be able to help me more as I could sincerely do with some help....
I'm now 30-years-and-one-months old. I have had my ups and downs in life, moments of joy, sadness, etc, had a very rough childhood but despite all I've always regarded myself as someone with a jackass's attitude towards life who resorted to self-induced analysis, the "What If" game, recall events over and over again in my mind till I learn what I can from it so that I will always be tough and will never depend on medicines or therapies as one's control of his mental state is the strongest form of overcoming any ordeal, and that optimism at the end of the day would be my Book of Life. In short, I never EVER in my entire life took a single tablet of anti-depressant, or seeked therapy, even in my gloomiest of days. Despite that I always accepted the fact that I'm a person who suffered from Anxiety and has severe OCD, as I understood them in my own way, I was happy with that fact that I could be just as positive the next day as I'm negative today. For me it was like an ego battle, and I always emerged victorious in the sense that I was able to deal with them in my own way and in the return that helped boost up my self-esteem and confidence and made me accept that for me life was just a matter of one UP, one DOWN. I used to make fun of my family members and friends who resorted to pills in a good hearted manner way and, in a way, was like their "Friendly Psychiatrist with an Ego" who really helped many of them in my own ways to gradually gain control of their minds and so they could find that genuine "smile" again and God knows I succeeded on more than one count.
That is how I lived my life for 29 years and 4 months until one sunny afternoon my life changed like I can never imagine before. I experienced a panic attack session, but not in the normal sense cause for me I knew about panic attacks from bits of info here and there, you know... from that usual seeking of general knowledge in life that we sometimes adhere to...and also because I once had an experience of it at a barber shop. Difference was, at the barber shop, I knew it for what it was and once I was out, no big deal. Never went into the shop again and the experience was no more than a quick memory. And that was like 5 years ago. Never once reflected or even got introduced again to panic attack until that dreaded afternoon some months back which hit me in a different way.
It started with palpitations like 4 days before. I always used to get PVCs, here and there and never once made a biggie of it because I got them rarely and there was always a great break between them like weeks, or even months, and when I did they were like about 3 or 4 PVCs only per day. I woke up that day and suddenly all I was getting was PVCs, like 4 or 5 every 10 mins. I didn't think twice about it as I am a very heavy smoker (2 packs, sometimes more per day) and used to drink like 10 cups of coffee per day, drank a LOT of cola and hadn't slept well the night before. Never drank alcohol though. Next day, it was the same. Third day they were gone and then during lunch I told my bro that for past two days I had these funny sessions of flutterness in my heart and he said it was probably stress and smoking as he too once experienced them a lot and that is what his doc assured him. I told him I knew but that what concerns me this time was their intensity as I was never used to them. He joked about how there's always a time and being 29 isn’t the same as being 20. We laughed about it and went on, but it stuck at the back of mind. That night (and this is where, I will come to think months later, is how my misery started) I Googled up the words palpitations, but because I was so busy with an Excel document and chatting with my Fiance, I didn't much concentrate on what exactly I was seeking or where I was reading...but rather just reading randomly here and there captions from webpages while I multitasked. I just "skimmed" though texts, from random sources on palpitations; coming across words I didn't know Jack about back then such as Tachycardia, Arrhythmia, etc etc...and even though I wasn't concentrating at all, THAT is how my brain slowly registered two words sub-consciously which would come back to hunt me the next day and change my life forever: HEART ATTACK.
Next day, the PVCs were back. This time like 9-10 every 10 mins or so. They'd go on for like 2 hour, then stop for 3 hours and start again. I started getting worried a bit...and the fact that I was in the middle of nowhere, a jungle in the deep hearts of Africa, where your closest hospital in like 48 hours away, made me leave my work and go straight to my pc. I googled up "palpitations" again, this time feeling a bit panicked. I started reading fastly...my heart starting beating harder. Panic got hold of me. Without realizing what I was doing, I was reading about heart attacks from all the wrong sources and before I knew it I was placing my hand on my chest, trying to feel my heart. It was racing so fast, then i started feeling the 'thuds', that feeling that your heart has stopped. That's when all hell broke loose. Panic Attack didn't cross my mind this time, (like it did at the barber shop, otherwise I'd have gotten hold of myself) but simply the fact that I was having a heart attack. And BECAUSE the thing at hand had to do with my heart, that triggered the panic more as you can't run away from your heart like you do from a barber shop, it became a vicious circle.
I lived through hell for 4 days on Xanax until I managed to travel and go home, where I underwent an ECG and an MRI scan. The doctor told me my heart was fine and if it wasn't for my stubbornness, he'd have kicked my ass out of his office for asking for MRI after the ECG proved my heart was very healthy and that I was too young to even think of a heart attack. The PVCs stopped as I went cold turkey on the coffee and cut down on the ciggies, but being someone with OCD, my mind became one fortress filled with nothing but thoughts of one thing and one thing only: My Heart. And that it was gonna stop. I would touch my pulse, place my hand over my heart, then Panic Attack hits. I experienced like severe panic attacks in 2 weeks. I was then given Paxil (Seroxat) and Xanax. My prescription was 20 mgs Paxil per day and 2 mgs of Xanax until the Paxil kicks in. But I also had another problem...as much as the PA scared me, thoughts of being hooked to drugs or finally having succumbed to the very same medicines I always told people to steer off brought a calamity cloud over my life and I became severely depressed, like I lost my ego or sense of being. Furthermore, reading about their side effects in itself instilled in me another sort of fear whenever I took them. In other words, it's like I get relieved from the PA regarding my heart only to enter another PA OCD session that these drugs are gonna send me to hell. So I only took the Paxil for 10 days and left the Xanax for only when the PA struck, which then I only took .50 mg instead of the daily dosage of 2mg. I visited the doc again and told him I'm giving up the Paxil. I underwent CBT and in two sessions flat, I was able to control my PAs a lot better. I stayed with the Xanax...but only .25 mg per day. Doc said being who I was, I'm likely to do well, even though it was against his wish, he agreed I don’t use the Paxil if I am that sure cause he senses my confidence and my progress weeks later.
So I came back to Africa, the place where it all started. Brought the Paxils and the Xanax with me just incase I lose grip as the idea of how deserted this place is alone is enough to drive me back to my hell. I was no longer taking the Xanax's. Except when I reaaaaaaallly needed one, and even so I always made sure it was never .25mg per day. I carried on. The first 3 weeks were hell. I'd move on from one thing, learn, understand and then accept it for what it is, only to encounter another symptom. The tinglings started. I started thinking about strokes. PAs started again whenever ANYTHING would tingle. Then i came across your site, you won't believe how much your columns on tinglings helped. In 3 days, I started laughing at myself and got over it. Then the muscle-twitchings. Another burst of Pas and then I started thinking of multiple sclerosis. A few Xanaxes. A few days in hells, then I learnt and carried on. Then the feeling of hollowness, that floating feeling of looking at your life through a glass or something. All this courtesy of the anxiety which has never left me since day one. And each new session would always trigger PVCs in me. But slowly I learnt...I overcame and lived with the fact of what anxiety can do. But my problem is...each few weeks, something "new" just has to come up. Currently I haven’t felt better..and the last 025 mg of Xanax I took was over a month ago. And now I even make fun of the PVCs....but the one that I STILL can't get over, the one that STILL makes my life miserable is this: When I go to sleep, if I try to sleep on my left, I become more aware of my heart which is understandable...but as soon as I lay down on my left, I literally feel my left side bulging so much that I could SEE that part of my heart. I could see the shirt rise up and down, and feel myself sleeping on top of something spongy that is breathing. Thoughts of me squashing my heart if I put too much weight on it by sleeping on my left side drives me into an unimaginable PA session and i cant express to you how long it takes me to sleep. My worst part of my life now is at nights. It's not feeling your heart thud, no, it's actually feeling… SEEING a part of the heart (vulva, atrium, whatever you call these things as I'm illiterate when it comes to the field of medicine) bulge outwards and inwards. A lump of something going up and down LDUP..LDUP...LDUP way. IS this normal??? Has anyone felt this? Please help. Whenever it happens, which is almost always, I put my hand on my heart and that makes the PVCs so frequent that I feel my heart stopped. I put my hand on my wrist to touch the pulse, it's fast then suddenly i no longer feel it and then i feel tightness in my chest. I cough intentionally and before I know it, i have gotten my self into another frenzy state of PA. One last thing, the part of my heart has become so sensitive that if a fly were to land on it, I'd feel its "WEIGHT". I always have to fight the urge to place my hand across my chest to feel my heart, cause that ALWAYS almost triggers a PVC.
Speaking of PVCs, I experience about 50-100 per day. Some days I experience only about 20. From your forum, I understand this is very normal,....but what I would like to know...is what's normal in terms of time between one PVC and another. Like you can get one PVC....4 normal beats and then 1 PVC. But sometimes I get 2 or 3 pvcs in a ROW and then the beats would go on normally for hours. Is getting 3 PVCs in a row normal?
Please help me understand….IS touching your chest to feel your heart normal to trigger PVCs because of your heightened state of anxiety? And when in this state, is it normal when you touch your wrist to feel that there’s a pulse and the suddenly no pulse, only for it to resume again like 2 secs later but with more rapidly?
Reply With Quote
